Why your girlfriend shouldn't read/see Twilight
by freeandflawed - November 18, 2008
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With Twilight the movie coming out in only a few days, many are scrambling to book stores to pick up a copy and see what all of the fuss is about. Only a week ago I was one of those curious readers. After reading all the hubbub about it on blogs and Twitter, I had to read it for myself. I told myself that I wouldn't get sucked into the hysteria and turn into one of those crazed girls swooning over Robert Pattinson, but guess what? I'm here to save your relationships. It's important that your girlfriend doesn't read this book or see the movie. If you haven't heard of Twilight, do not continue reading this blog - it will only stimulate your curiosity. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go immediately to the next guide. If you have heard of Twilight and plan to keep your girlfriend, read on...
Do you intend to see your girlfriend in the next week? If so, you better hope she doesn’t have a copy of Twilight lying around because once she picks it up she won’t put it down. It only took me three days to finish it. My roommate, who started Twilight today, is already half way through the book. And don’t think that once it’s over that it’s really over. Why?
It doesn't stop after Twilight
There are FOUR books to this series. The ending is so good that chances are she’ll already have a copy of New Moon ready to go. If she’s smart, she’ll have bought the whole series at Wal-Mart or Target where they only cost $9-$16.
But that's not really important...
Despite the obvious, there is only ONE reason why your girlfriend shouldn’t read Twilight.
Meet Edward Cullen
Edward is the tragically beautiful vampire who steals the heart of Bella, the clumsy and lovable teenage girl, in both the book and movie. Let’s face it guys, Edward is bad for your relationship. Let me break it down for you.
What does he have that you don't?
Besides your girlfriend’s unwavering affection? Well, for starters he’s a vampire. That fact automatically gives him 100 more cool points than you. How many vampires do you know? Chances are your girlfriend doesn’t know any. He’s a rare find and therefore, better than you.
Look at him!
Sure his hair is a little goofy, but it’s wild and untamed in a sexy way. Your girlfriend has probably already thought about running her fingers through his hair twice in the time it took me to write this sentence. Do you know who’s hair she’s not running her fingers through? Yours! Don’t be surprised if she tells you that she likes the messy look on you.
REALLY look at him...
He has those smokey smoldering eyes that just scream “take off your clothes!” It’s weird to say, but he just looks better dead, so I can understand if the piercingness (is that even a word?) is underestimated in this photo.
I know what you're thinking.
You’re thinking to yourself, “Well fine, I won’t let her see the movie, but she can still read the book right?”
NO!!!
It doesn’t matter if she can see him or not. The book does an even better job of describing the god-like perfection of his chiseled chest and hard-as-rock biceps. Trust me. This is a no-win situation.
Robert Pattinson is single
Yep. He sure is. Claiming he can’t get a date – ha! Like he’ll have that problem after Twilight – Robert admits to being single. So what if he’s not really a vampire. The line between fiction and reality can be blurred…quite easily by your girlfriend.
7 Lessons Guys Can Learn From Edward Cullen
I’m not sure if this woman is serious or what, but she’s created a two-part series helping guys become more like the fictional character their girlfriend’s are falling in love with.
I can’t say she’s wrong though…
Don’t forget about the Internet. Now you’ll have to worry about her sneaking off in the middle of the night to catch a glimpse of her storybook lover. Endless pictures, movie clips and videos are at her disposal.
Think of it this way – if she’s sneaking off to the computer in the middle of the night, when does that give you time to feed your porn addiction?
He doubles as transportation
I guess vampires no longer turn into bats and fly out of windows. Edward, and the other vampires in this movie, are more like superheroes and can run at ridiculous speeds that make it seem as if they’re flying. Of course he carries Bella on his back. Get ready for piggyback ride requests – and not from your four-year-old niece.
He doesn't sleep
Vampires don’t sleep silly! Here’s a man who has no excuse but to be by her side 24/7. In the book, Edward stays by her side as she falls asleep, night after night…sometimes without her even knowing he’s there (stalkerish, much?) There’s also no excuse why the dishes, laundry and other chores shouldn’t be done. See where I’m going with this?
He saves her life
Multiple times actually. I’d hate to ruin the story for anyone who chooses to disregard my advice and read the book/see the movie. He does a lot of saving. Think Bodyguard except with two exceptionally pale people and one of them is dead.
Edward is man enough to put her best interests before his own. He protects her, even at his own expense.
"He's not a vague wuss"
She will fall hopelessly in love with him. Call it what you want, but girls everywhere are getting tangled up in Edward’s perfect web. With lines like “You are my life now” and “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb,” Edward is stealing your girlfriend’s heart. He is charming, mysterious, devoted and sexy. What more could a girl want in a vampire? More importantly, what more will she want from YOU?
Twilight Official Trailer
Just in case you want to make it more difficult for yourself, here’s the trailer.
Team Edward T-shirts
If you can’t beat em, join em. If you’ve already lost your girlfriend, appease her with a Team Edward shirt.
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And I’ve thrown up in my mouth a little reading this. I just…don’t get it. I’ve read all the stuff people write about Twilight and listened to all my friends gush about it and still…nothing. I read an excerpt and the horribly constructed flowery sentences gave me a headache. I might read these…if someone pays me.
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Well, after only ever hearing about this movie on your blog (live in Ireland and its not out here for another week) I got the book, read it in two days… Im totally obsessed. Just finished Eclipse and about to start Breaking Dawn :) Figured I was too old for these books as they are in the teenage section (Im 28) but seriously Im hooked, this hasn’t happened me with a book in ages, really loving it!
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You make a COMPELLING argument. But since I’m single, I’m already @ B&N buying my copy with a pit stop @ the cineplex to follow…will this have the reverse affect? Help me get a boyfriend? Never get a boyfriend? Meet a ridiculously good-looking vampire? Who am I kidding? Must read/see Twilight. Nowz.
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