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How To Know If You're In Beverly Hills
- by elissa
- -
- January 14, 2009
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Everyone has those occasional blurry mornings – The ones where you wake on someone’s living room floor with a beach towel for a blanket and an unfamiliar cat sitting on your ribcage. As you shuffle to the bathroom to inspect the indented pattern the rug has left on your cheek, here are a few ways to tell if you’re in Beverly Hills.
The Guest Bathroom Has La Mer In It
At $136 an ounce, I recommend slathering on the entire container, filling it with Vaseline brand lotion, and selling it on e-Bay.
Other Guests Know Brand Name Of The Toilet
When the pile of blankets on the ottomon begins to rustle, and a bro from Dana Point pops out, don’t be alarmed when he greets you by saying, “Dude, did you test out that Toto toilet?” Only in Beverly Hills would you ever sit upon a toilet with an internal air-purifier and insurance plan. This $5,000 porcelain masterpiece is the greatest advance in sewage since the aqueduct. Its lid even opens automatically as you approach it.
Don’t step in kitty’s bowl of caviar on your way to the fridge.
Created by some Hollywood TV writer, Kevin G. Boyd, the Bling team admittedly capitalizes on the fact that people love to look rich. Boyd explains that after years in the business, he’s found you can “really tell a lot about a person by the bottled water they carr[y].”
Bling Creator, Kevin G. Boyd On IMDB
As if he didn’t earn enough fame and fortune from being a writer on the Jamie Foxx Show, Kevin just had to show off his superlative marketing techniques.
All Household Accessories Coated In Diamonds
Once you’ve seen all of the other telling 90210 artifacts, and believe without question of doubt that you are in Beverly Hills, grab that pair of Channel sunglasses before you are blinded by some bedazzled accoutrement.
Diamond Earbuds - $1000
Diamond MP3 Remotes
Who knew these woolly creatures could produce such a sumptuously soft blanket?
Beverly Hills is a city in the western part of Los Angeles County, California, almost entirely surrounded by the city of Los Angeles. It is part of the so-called "Golden Triangle" of Beverly Hills, Bel-Air and Holmby Hills. It is bordered on the north by the foothills of the Santa Monica Mo... more »
This article is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License. It uses material from the Wikipedia article "Beverly Hills, CA".
Beverly Hills is a city in the western part of Los Angeles County, California, almost entirely surrounded by the city of Los Angeles. It is part of the so-called "Golden Triangle" of Beverly Hills, Bel-Air and Holmby Hills. It is bordered on the north by the foothills of the Santa Monica Mountains, on the east by the City of West Hollywood and the Fairfax District of the City of Los Angeles, on the south by Los Angeles and on the west by Westwood Village and Century City, which are neighborhoods of Los Angeles and not separate incorporated cities.
Morbid Tourism In L.A.: OJ Simpson
Once you finish cuddling with your new favorite textile, consider taking a grand tour of L.A.’s best sights.
...Or Foreskin Eye Cream
At almost double the price of La Mer, this cream utilizes fibroblasts from infant foreskin to naturally elasticize skin. I don’t know what fibroblasts are, but I know what foreskin is, so I’m going to have to give this product the Elissa ixnay.
The Cat Collar Reads, "Furcedes"
SnootyPets.com
I once did a service trip in Tijuana during which the local leader said, “I like Tijuana because the people treat dogs like dogs here.” Enough said.
There's A Case Of Bling H20 In The Kitchen
There’s nothing like exorbitantly-priced water bottled in Beverly Hills to hydrate after a hazy night at the W Hotel. All you have to pay is $50 for each breathtaking Swarovski crystal encrusted bottle. Who knew you’d ever have the opportunity to uncork a bottle of water?
Bling H2O Site
More than a pretty taste…
The Freezer Has Imported Ice Rocks
In case you are squeamish about refridgerating Swarovski crystals, you can chill your Beverly Hills H2O by adding the purest ice drawn from the springs in the Vendée Region of France. These fancy cubes come out to about $6 a piece.
Bejeweled Coin Purses
Beach Towel Actually Alpaca Throw
This material is all the rage in The Hills.
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HAHAHA! What a wonder summation of the weekend! I loved that the customer service guy from Bling water was so short with you on the phone. How dare you question the price of water! I, personally, only know I’m really in Beverly Hills when I’m “Penthouse” status. Those guys living on the first floor are mere aspirants of affluence. I spit on them.
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