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Pirates are awesome! (But the ones in the news are NOT)
- by aliciak
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- July 31, 2009
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I used to think pirates are awesome, but the latest news bits about pirates holding U.S. ships hostage? Not cool! Not cool at all. Nonetheless, pirates are over the place on the webz, in the media and the like.
Arrrrr!
When Pirates Make the Front Page of Newspapers
Every morning I open up my internet browser, the home page of which is the New York Times so that I can feel smart even though I will quickly click over to Facebook to see who broke up with whom, and then to Uselessknowledge.com to read the joke of the day. BUT sometimes, I will stay on the NYT page longer than usual, a) if Bush said something stupid (often) or b) if there is a headline about pirates (less often). I do a double-take, is that headline referring to real pirates, I think to myself. It is!
I (and maybe you too?) tend to lump pirates in with wizards, fairy godmothers, trolls and 3-headed aliens. But no, they are real! And they are busying themselves with stealing stuff while out to sea. Bonafide pirate booty!
Okay, I’m not advocating this lifestyle, because I do realize that they also kill to acquire said booty; nonetheless, I find the headlines intriguing.
Gawker breaks it down: The Media Has Always Loved Pirates!
Leave it to Gawker to round-up the New York Times’ coverage of those Somalian pirates:
2/3/99: “Murderous Pirate Attacks Are on the Rise”
9/12/01: “Pirate Militias From Somalia Spill Into the Gulf of Aden”
7/1/05: “Somalia: Pirates Seize Tsunami Aid Ship”
11/6/05: “Pirates Attack Liner Off Coast of Somalia”
1/10/08: “Pirate Attacks Increased in 2007, Maritime Group Says”
9/27/08: “Somalia Pirates Capture Tanks And Unwanted Global Notice”
…and one that I’m adding, most recently:
1/10/09: “Pirates Say They Freed Saudi Tanker for $3 Million”
Pirate Movies
No, I’m not commanding you to steal movies off the internet and the like. There are quite a few pirate movies out there, and I don’t think I’m alone in saying that one of the best is Pirates of the Caribbean. I KNOW a whole lot of girls between the ages of 15 and 18 agree with me. Yes? But there are others!
The Jolly Roger
International Talk like a Pirate Day
It’s September 19, in case you didn’t know. Two dudes from Portland, Oregon invented it after a sports injury made one of them scream “Arrrr,” Dave Barry promoted it and the rest is history.
I must be lame because I’ve never “celebrated” it.
*Throwing Pirate Parties*
Apparently this is a “thing.” To throw a pirate party for adults. Hmm. There are entire online guides about how to do so. Once upon a time I had a housewarming in Brooklyn, NOT a pirate party, but someone dressed as a pirate showed up. Um, do I know you? No, I didn’t! It turned out that he was sitting across from one of my party-invitees and she asked about his costume. At some point she said, “I’m going to Alicia’s party” and he said, “Oh yeah, me too.” The pirate-party-thrower was named Alicia too.
Well, he was the only pirate at my party and I’m not sure if ever went to the pirate party. Case. in. point.
*Pirate Songs*
Yep yep, I steal music off of Limewire just like everybody else, but that’s not what I’m referring to! Little ditties about pirates!
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
Best pirate song ever? By Relient K. It goes a little something like this:
We are the pirates, we don’t do anything
We just stay at home and lie around
And if you ask us, to do anything
We’ll just tell you, we don’t do anything.
Clearly it’s awesome just from this snippet. Definitely the best kind of pirate to be too…
Professor Booty
“Professor, what’s another word for pirate treasure?”
“Well, I think it’s booty…booty…booty.”
Exactly.
The top 10 pirates songs, supposedly
I’ll bet you didn’t even know there WERE ten!
Dress like a pirate!
All pirates do not dress alike, but there are certain articles of clothing we traditionally associate with pirates: big puffy shirts (like on Seinfeld), vests, sashes, wrap pants, eye patch, head wrap. This is pop culture talking! Pirates from Japan would not dress exactly like pirates from Somalia, Ukraine or Madagascar. Duh!
Arrr!
I prefer my pirates a little more taut than this, but I suppose he’ll do for our purposes here.
Rawr!
Somethin’ tells me this is not historically accurate. (Wait, were there female pirates?) Yeeeeah, don’t think those boots would function all the well on a wet boat with uneven floors.
Pirate Laws
No crying, capri pants, fanny packs or “Wench punch” allowed, apparently. ;)
Pirates Elsewhere
The PITTSBURGH Pirates
You know, that baseball team that isn’t really any good?
Long John Silver's
You know, that fast-food restaurant that isn’t really any good?
My brilliant and hilarious cousin's blog
It’s not even really a blog, but it’s quite possibly the funniest thing on the internet. He is a total “weird beard” as we sometimes call each other, but I knew I had to get his take on pirates. This is what he had to say:
“Y’see, I used to hate pirates really bad, because they’re the ninja’s natural enemy (http://realultimatepower.net/). But as I use the internet less and less, I find that pirates don’t make me as blood curdlingly mad as they once did.”
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.jpg "Karey Ann")
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I totally have celebrated Talk Like A Pirate Day for the last three years and am happy to see it gaining traction. My favorite utterances: “Aye, Matey”, “Landlubber” (try to work that one in to an office conversation), and, or course, “Booty”. Only 22 weeks 2 days until September 19th!!
.jpg "JayFerris")
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This guide is the best of everything pirate, save the Pittsburgh Pirates of course. Oh, and my kids watch The Misadventures of Flapjack, and I maybe-kinda-sorta love it too.
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