My 2009 Celebrity Dead Pool

1. Jeff Conaway

I’m obsessed with VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” mainly because of this guy. He is a trainwreck and you just know by watching that he’s not going to last very long without some kind of monitoring or supervision.

D.O.B.: 5 Oct 1950
Maximum points possible: 42

2. Pete Doherty

To quote one of his own songs, “What A Waster”.

D.O.B.: 21 Mar 1979
Maximum points possible: 71

3. Farrah Fawcett

She was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 and is currently undergoing alternative treatments in Germany. In the spirit of attention whoredom, her treatment is being filmed for a possible reality show. Imagine the ratings if she were to croak.

D.O.B.: 2 Feb 1947
Maximum points possible: 39

4. Michael J. Fox

This is probably a pretty shaky choice, but I’m remaining rigid.

D.O.B.: 9 Jun 1961
Maximum points possible: 53

5. Michael Jackson

Reports of a decline in health, financial instability and years of legal troubles may finally all have mounted to the point that just about any straw might break the proverbial camel’s back.

D.O.B.: 29 Aug 1958
Maximum points possible: 50

6. Artie Lange

C’mon. This guy is one Big Mac and line of blow away from pulling a Mr. Creosote on us. He’s been teetering on that precipice for years as it is, but he’s bigger, more outrageous, and more out of control than ever. One thing I will say is when the time comes that he finally roars out of this life, it is guaranteed to be in fucking spectacular fashion.

D.O.B.: 11 Oct 1967
Maximum points possible: 59

7. Mindy McCready

This former country music superstar has attempted suicide at least 3 times since 2005 — once while pregnant with her child, and most recently on December 17. She was also named by the New York Daily News as “the other woman” in Roger Clemens’ life, beginning at the age of 15 and ending “several years later”. If I were a betting man, I’d bet a week’s pay that she won’t live to see her son’s 4th birthday in March 2010.

D.O.B.: 30 Nov 1975
Maximum points possible: 67

8. Yoko Ono

She married John Lennon in 1969. That’s 40 years she’s been sucking off his teat. Doesn’t Satan include expiration dates in his contracts with mortals?

D.O.B.: 18 Feb 1933
Maximum points possible: 25

9. Orenthal James Simpson

I know he’s on your list, too. I wonder if he can outrun a neo-Nazi with a shiv?

D.O.B.: 9 Jul 1947
Maximum points possible: 39

10. Patrick Swayze

Nobody puts pancreatic cancer in a corner.

D.O.B.: 18 Aug 1952
Maximum points possible: 44

Me

am I famous yet?