If Barbie Could Talk...

Singer/Songwriter

That was me back in 1965. I used to be a singer. Still am, in fact, but that dress is hard to come by now. I never actually signed up for the gig but what could I do about it?

I also wrote songs such as:
“Tall and skinny”
“I Don’t Want To Wear That Dress”
“What happened to freedom?”

Princess Barbie

I have been crowned Princess Barbie. I don’t know how Mattel did it, but here I am. That was me back in 1996.

I have inspired so many little girls that they can be a princess too. Let me tell you, it’s not that great. I have a plastered smile on my face and that dress sucks!

The Things I've Been Through

Before I am put on the shelf for you to buy, I am strapped to a chair and convinced that I am nothing but a toy.

This allows me to keep from blinking and stay still in that box for hours and hours until I entice some child to buy me. It works every time!

I Am Admired

It wasn’t until I started watching cable television that I realized how popular I was! I mean, you people seem to think you can look like me. I am a national icon for women everywhere.

Well let me tell ya, it’s called the no eating diet. I’m a doll, I don’t need to eat.

You Stare At Me

You put me in my supposed “dream house”, dress me up, put Ken beside me at a kitchen table, and then you stare at me! Why is this fun for you?

Those Bratz Came Along...

Those big eyed, big lipped, long haired bratz are nothing but trouble makers! I’ve tried to tell them that they will always be second best next to me, but they just don’t get it!

I'm A Survivor

I have been tortured, skinned, beheaded, bald, homeless, and burned. Yes, I have mastered the art of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again! Someone sooner or later comes along and wants me again.

You Make Me Old?

After all these years of looking beautiful and redefining the word, “ageless”, you make me old?! Who’s idea was this? I am 50, not 85! Why the bags under the eyes and that wrinkly neck?

An Actress and One Classy Lady

You see, I used to be a film actress back in the 1950’s and 60’s. I was damn good at it too. Then, Mattel decided I’d be a better model and playmate. I COULD HAVE WON AN OSCAR!

My Gay Boyfriend, Ken

Mattel thought it would be funny to pair me up with this guy named Ken. Little does everyone know, he’s gay.

Oh don’t get me wrong we have so much fun together! Ken actually designs all of my clothes that you buy for me! (He clothing line only fits my size though: 00.00)

Blind Dates

When I found out Ken wasn’t going to work out, I began dating other men. GI Joe was fun for a while until I realized he wouldn’t stop saying things like, “All systems, GO!” or “Take him down!”

Those tough guys aren’t for me anyway.

Yes, I am Thin... Get Over it!

As I mentioned before, I am a doll. I’d like to think that I am much more than that, but alas only in my dreams.

Maybe my fairy godmother will come to me in the night and make me human. If that happens, I will be 7ft tall, have absolutely no waste, with scary long legs to top it off.

Still want to be me?

Pimp My Ride

I gotta say, when the Barbie car came into existence, I was thrilled! I didn’t even really have to drive it.

Somehow I Became Impregnated

Ok, I know your kids need to be educated about childbirth, but why use me?! I mean, it’s not like I actually HAVE the baby. I am in a constant state of pregnancy AND I have a gaping hole in my torso!

This was a bad idea.

Barbie Orgie

After it’s all said and done, I’m really just like everyone else. You toss me in a pile with all the older me’s and there I lie until you decide to pick me up again.

Thanks.