A Los Angeles Girl's Guide to Being Adorable
by GillianS - May 25, 2008
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Haven't you always wanted to know how to be completely adorable and irresistible to men? Well, there are lots of tricks that I know to get guys interested and keep them happy. In the words of Elle Woods: "What, like it's hard?"
Don't Pay for Anything...
…ever.
We might be in the 21st century. Chivalry may be in the throes of death. You may make 3 or 4 times more money than him. But if you split the bill or share expenses, he’ll never respect you or treat you like you deserve. You must demand that he pay for everything. Always. Forever. Until you make your dad buy your wedding gown.
Bank of America in California
You won’t be needing this bank locator. Unless you need money for tampons or something.
Only Watch TV You Want to Watch
If you want to watch Trading Spaces or A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, make him watch it with you. He’ll enjoy that couple’s time and think it is so cute how you have opinions on all of the participants and/or characters.
But if he’s ever reaching for the remote because the 27th SportsCenter of the day is about to come on, take a deep breath and heave a heavy sigh. Doesn’t he want you to be HAPPY?
Trading Spaces is adorable
He’ll pretend he doesn’t like watching this, but he really does. How could he not like watching people paint?
IKEA Burbank
600 N San Fernando Boulevard, Burbank, CA 91502
Guys love shopping for furniture and trying to recreate the look of a room you saw in the catalog!
Guys love shopping for furniture and trying to recreate the look of a room you saw in the catalog!
Wear Shoes You Can't Walk In
Buy shoes that are cute but have ridiculously high heels. Be sure not to practice walking in them. Then wear them on a night out when you’re going to be walking from club to club or car to club or wherever it is that girls who wear high heels go. After 10 minutes or so, get uncomfortable and commence complaining! But refuse to take off your shoes. That would totally ruin your outfit.
Barneys New York
9570 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA 90212
I’ll never know why it isn’t called Barneys Beverly Hills, but at this Westside shopping mecca you can kill two birds with one stone: spend all your money (so you can’t pay for anything) and buy uncomfortable shoes!
I’ll never know why it isn’t called Barneys Beverly Hills, but at this Westside shopping mecca you can kill two birds with one stone: spend all your money (so you can’t pay for anything) and buy uncomfortable shoes!
Spit, Curse, Engage in Other Pirate-like activities...
…like plundering? I don’t know. But good manners are totally out. Be one of the guys…one of the ones who have no class! Cute!
Guidespot Knows How to be Adorable
The Girl’s Guide to being a Fantasy Girlfriend
Girling Out in Philadelphia
Denver Girls
Gossip!
I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear about your ex-best friend’s abortion? Especially the guy you’re dating who has never met her!
Campus Gossip
Spending your time anonymously gossiping about people at your college on the internet? Adorable.
Always Have an Answer Ready
If the question is “What do you want to do tonight?” or “Where do you want to eat?” then “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” are really your only options.
For something like “What do you think of my friends?” a wrinkled nose and an insincere “They’re OK” is completely acceptable.
If it’s “Do I have to go to your event/outing/party/job function?” you can just go ahead and burst into tears.
Geisha House
6633 Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90028
You’ll be in good company as “that drunk girl” at this Hollywood almost not hot anymore spot.
You’ll be in good company as “that drunk girl” at this Hollywood almost not hot anymore spot.
Play dumb
Everyone knows, “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” Though this is a commentary on the accessory of glasses, it also speaks volumes about the kind of girl guys do like: pretty ones! Not smart ones. What do you mean you majored in English at an Ivy league school — you still have to ask him what a pronoun is! And then pretend not to understand the explanation. He’ll be head over your uncomfortable heels.
Gamestop
5533 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
When you’re dating a guy, he should want to spend as much time with you as possible. Which means as little time doing things he likes, such as playing video games. So do him a favor and head down to the GameStop and sell all of his video game equipment. Then spend the money on new shoes so that he doesn’t have to go through the trouble of deciding what to do with it on his own. He’ll thank you, I promise.*
*I don’t promise
When you’re dating a guy, he should want to spend as much time with you as possible. Which means as little time doing things he likes, such as playing video games. So do him a favor and head down to the GameStop and sell all of his video game equipment. Then spend the money on new shoes so that he doesn’t have to go through the trouble of deciding what to do with it on his own. He’ll thank you, I promise.*
*I don’t promise
Is it Halloween?
This is non-negotiable: you must go in a couple’s costume. There is nothing more adorable than this. Ball & chain is a classic, but you can choose from a whole slew options: bride & groom, Little Bo Peep & her sheep, football player & cheerleader, etc. And don’t forget, if he dresses in drag, it means he loves you more.
Be insecure about your body
Always. Only order salads when you go out to dinner. If you’re really hungry, get the dressing on the side (instead of refusing it altogether). Constantly ask the dreaded “Am I fat?” or “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Always compare yourself to other girls: “She’s pretty, isn’t she?” but then get mad if he agrees with you, even if it’s a shrugging “I guess.” Not only is this insecurity and constant bitching adorable, it’s hopelessly sexy and such a turn-on.
One word: Moodswings
What the hell do you mean “mood swings” is two words? Are you calling me stupid? I can’t believe you would say that to me!
I’m hungry. Let’s get burritos. Don’t give me that look. You think I’m fat, don’t you?
The girl on American Idol knows how to be adorable
Ok, no, she actually is adorable. She is so happy to be seeing Sanjaya! But in 5 years…
DSM-IV-TR
Your mood swings probably aren’t mental illness…and they can’t possibly have anything to do with subsisting off of tiny salads…
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Also, I would recommend wearing an adorably-named nail laquer from the OPI for Sephora line of nail polish. Something really insultingly named, such as the black “What’s a Tire Jack?” color that is so popular these days. While painting your nails, read the color name outloud and giggle hysterically. Then, actually ask someone “No, like, really? What IS a tire jack?!”. This is the cutest thing in the entire world.
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Oh, god, this is the awesomest guide I have ever seen. Thank you for being so very snarky.
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I got like, three entries down before I realized you were being sarcastic. I was all “This isn’t good advice at all! The opposite is true!” Dur.
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