Death In New York City

Ways To Meet The Maker

Police Shoot-out

“You’ll never take me alive, copper!” If you want to go out like Al Capone, just commit a crime and then run. The cops will have to shoot-to-wound, eventually.

Suicide

The old-fashioned way. The Great Depression ushered in tons of new ways to off yourself at your own hand. Just remember: ODing on pills doesn’t make the front page of The New York Post (this is me side-stepping a bad Heath Ledger joke).

Mob Hit

Dating in New York can be hard. So try dating (and breaking the heart of) a the daughter of a mafioso. It can be tricky and dangerous. Many men have died for less; so watch it, unless you dream of “sleeping with the fishes.”

Check The Guides

Jilted Ex-Lover

There are many psychos in this city. Here’s a fact: you’ll will date at least five of them before you turn thirty. There’s no real way to avoid them. The trick though is being able to distinguish the “Hey, I thought we really had something after two dates, you jerk.” psycho and the “Hey, I thought we were going to spend the rest of our life together after our first conversation, my eternal lover.” psycho. Look for a facial tick, alcoholic tendencies, and a Marilyn Monroe obsession. If she carries a gun license, run.

Crime of Passion

The best kind of crime. These are the stories for the ages: bloody, grisly deeds done in the name of love, or money, or a sports franchise. Let’s be honest – this is the kid of stuff we love to read in our tabloid newspapers. The Crime of Passion is a time-honored New York tradition. Living to see one means you’ve lived to see what New York can really be all about.

Crosstown Bus

In the movies, this seems to happen all the time. A guy is walking across Lexington Avenue, minding his own business. He sees a shiny quarter on the street. He bends over, picks it up, thinks to himself “Hey, this must be my lucky day.” He looks left and then SMASH!!!! It’s either a great comic tragedy, or a tragic irony, but once again – I think this is a fate better left to Hollywood than afternoon traffic.

Pestilence

Okay, the last time a fatal strain of the flu existed was in 1918, but you never know! SARS could make a comeback! Hoof-In-Mouth Disease takes years to develop! Umm… paper cuts! Those can get really deadly if they get infected… and you get, like, a hundred… all over your body… oh, c’mon, just give me this one.

Character Assassination

Another New York classic: dragging someone’s name through the mud. It’s happened to everyone: politicians, socialites, athletes, me. Though the power of the written word seems to have quadrupled thanks to the internet, everyone seems to have a good publicist. Of course, don’t tell that to the guy who ran against Mayor Bloomberg for office in 2005. Or Don Imus. Or A Rod.