Every time I visit Porto’s, I am confronted with several issues. One is the massive crush of people that are invariably waiting in line for their delicious cakes, pastries and sandwiches. The other is the extreme amount of weight I gain after every delicious outing at this fine establishment. I am not a religious person, but as I bite into their delicious Cuban confections, particularly their fried potato balls, I become convinced that intelligent design is wholly possible. Then, I see the state of affairs on the 405 freeway during rush hour and my agnostic suspicious are once again aroused.

Formerly Sugarplum Bakery, I was told by the owner that faced with debilitating legal fees over the rights to the name of the shop, she decided to draw on her ethnic background and rename it Susina Bakery. Name change aside it’s a good thing she’s decided to keep her recipes intact as everything I’ve tried is absolutely delicious. Their cream cheese brownies are the very definition of groin-grabbingly good.

One of the best bakery cafe’s on the West side.

Their egg salad sandwich is so amazing it makes me want to commit scandalous acts in public replete with multiple pelvic thrusts in the air.

Less prestigious than Le Cordon Bleu, but much more hands-on and a lot cheaper to boot. I’m sure you can tell by now that that last attribute is extremely important to me.

I suppose I should give a shout out to my old place of employment. While the standards concerning employee appreciation, human resource development and overall workplace environment were abysmally low, I have to admit that the bakery continues to put out consistently high quality products. The bakers are all classically trained in the French style and their selection of artisan breads, pastries and cakes rival the more established bakeries in the area. A word to the wise: if you value a heart healthy lifestyle, please avoid the mudslide cookies at all costs. While admittedly delicious, if you knew like I do what goes in them. you would steer clear.

While I could say a lot about the assortment of delicious confections and sandwiches served at this bakery chain, I have to say that the primary reason for frequenting this cafe almost daily was their extreme abundance of attractive female staff. It got to the point where we totally knew their schedules and in-times and would apportion our lunch breaks to ogle them accordingly at the appropriate time. Surprisingly, they didn’t seem to mind.

Modesty was never LA’s forte, and although haughtily named after its supercilious owner, the products are unique and tasty with lofty prices to match.

The premier baking and culinary arts program in Southern California, I’ve worked with quite a few graduates from this school and if you’re either rich, disciplined or have a burning desire to learn the patisserie arts, this should be the place for you. Just don’t come crying to me about your crippling student loan payments. Who said it was gonna be easy?