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Scrooge's Guide to the Holidays in New York
- by aliciak
- -
- December 13, 2008
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It's so easy to be cynical and angry in a city like New York, but the holidays sure do add extra reasons for being so. It's yet another tourist season and there are annoying "attractions" like the Macy's windows (crowded), the Rockefeller Tree (pretty, big, but crowded) and shops that are exploding with more people than usual. (Or at least we say/think this to have something more to complain about). I'm pretty bubbly and happy myself, but I do have this, um, what to call it? Well, hatred for people and cynicism about life occasionally.
GRRRRRRR
Places to Avoid during the Holidays
Most of these will be places that people FLOCK to around the holidays. Well, if you’re a New Yorker, you probably avoid them like the plague in December. Tourists in sequined Christmas sweaters and kids with candy caned sticky fingers? No thanks.
Rockefeller Center
45 Rockefeller Plaza, Manhattan, NY 10020
The tree is nice, it really is, but there are 6 million people there at any give time, or so it seems. I’m naive about the number of people who inhabit and visit this fair city and usually have a look of confusion on my face when I stumble upon these 6 million.
Wait, what are all these people doing here, I wonder?
The tree is nice, it really is, but there are 6 million people there at any give time, or so it seems. I’m naive about the number of people who inhabit and visit this fair city and usually have a look of confusion on my face when I stumble upon these 6 million.
Wait, what are all these people doing here, I wonder?
MacY's
151 W 34th St, New York, NY 10001
It is no revelation that Macy’s can be pretty terrible during high holiday time. Let’s face it, it’s terrible everyday! Especially when you forget that kitchenware is in the basement and slog through the crowds on EVERY SINGLE FLOOR before realizing this. Grrr.
Avoid it. Avoid it. Avoid it. Your aunt in the midwest just isn’t going to get a Macy’s star ornament, so she’ll just have to deal!
It is no revelation that Macy’s can be pretty terrible during high holiday time. Let’s face it, it’s terrible everyday! Especially when you forget that kitchenware is in the basement and slog through the crowds on EVERY SINGLE FLOOR before realizing this. Grrr.
Avoid it. Avoid it. Avoid it. Your aunt in the midwest just isn’t going to get a Macy’s star ornament, so she’ll just have to deal!
Department store awfulness
Hell Avenue
5TH AVE, NEW YORK, NY 10011
Moooooooove. I am one of those tactless people who says “move” and “Gaaawwwd” out loud when trying to push by tourists. No shame in my game. Yep, it’s rude, yep, I’m verbalizing too much, but you know what, I want them to move and I’m not going to keep quiet about it. Hmph.
Yeah, you think? Maybe it’s the Salvation Army bell-ringers that push me over the edge. That little bell is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Yeah, you think? Maybe it’s the Salvation Army bell-ringers that push me over the edge. That little bell is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Moma Design Store Soho
81 Spring St, New York, NY 10012
Does EVERYONE shop here for Xmas? Go away!
Does EVERYONE shop here for Xmas? Go away!
Yeah yeah it’s a cool store with those little egg pants…
Don't Go Here!!!
Channel that angry energy!
I for one think it’s really healthy to channel angry energy into creative pursuits. I used to punch the wall when I was mad, or break things or hit whoever was unlucky enough to be in the same room with me, but I realized after a while that these were NOT healthy behaviors. at. all. Bad-ass and aggressive ones, perhaps, but injurious to both my hands and the people I supposedly loved
And thus, I started to create instead. It’s going to sound really sappy and not buh-humbuggy, but I would knead bread (uses muscles!!!), make crochet creatures with frowns (to express my feelings), paint walls (during a break-up), or bake unhappy cookies (when I was sick and sad). At the very least, I’m creating something more than bruised knuckles and shards of glass!
Mad Snowman Sugar Cookie
Look at those glaring pink eyes, the chocolate frown, the carefully arranged eyebrows! He’s maaaaaad. Sometimes the holidays blow, but at the end of the day, you can eat tons of cookies and not feel guilty because “it’s the holidays.”
Write a poem!
Like this one, “A Politically Correct Christmas Story.”
Watch this "ugly Christmas sweater" slideshow
…and then maybe knit your own?
*Gift Guide*
Because even Scrooge wants presents! Especially functional ones that contribute to his or her cynical outlook on life. No dancing Santas or remote-controlled sleighs, puhlease! But some clever gifties in the stocking will feed that New Yorker angry ever so nicely. A lump of coal is sooo passe. Think outside the box!
New York is chock-full of sounds we sometimes wish did not exist anywhere. The garbage trucks at all hours of day, the neighbors pacing in stilettos above, the phone that rings to no avail. SHUT-UP!!!!!!!
Maybe you’re passive-aggressive and feel like playing this really really loudly for your neighbors to hear? Or perhaps you have someone on your holiday gift list that you don’t really like? Office secret Santa? There’s got to be someone who deserves the gift of hate.
The Singing and Dancing Lump of Coal
It’s toted as a happy lump of coal. Is that ironic? I think it’s just stupid. Its description:
“You’ll roar with laughter if you get this lump of coal! Just turn him on and he’ll sing a special Christmas song for you. Listen as he wiggles and jiggles his way into your heart. The perfect gift for that special someone who deserves a “fun” lump of coal.”
Get New Yorkers what they reeeeeallly need
- Duane Reade gift cards (yes they do exist)
- roach killer
- space heaters
- ear plugs
- humidifiers
- fully-stocked liquor cabinet
- a magical metro card that never goes empty
- get out of jury duty forever card
- washing machine
- double-paned glass
Duane Reade employees
Always winners, am I right?
Hate Breeds Hate
When I’m feeling down, I like the weather to reflect this—grey, cloudy, cold. When I’m mad—stormy. When I’m happy—sunny. I like us to alllll be on the same page, which is surprisingly since I was a pretty jovial kid growing up in one of the gloomiest (weather-wise) places in the country—Pittsburgh!
When you’re iffy about the holidays in New York, or New Year’s or Times Squares or Uggs or hipsters, you want to read affirmation of these feelings. Who ELSE feels the same way??? Counter arguments you do NOT want. Those would challenge your views and you don’t want that!
Whoops!
Oh But Christmas is so beautiful
And Nick Cobb has the Flickr Christmas guide to prove it. Turn off that scrooge-ness for just a minute.
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