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The World's Best Fad Diets
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- November 07, 2008
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Ten-year reunion coming up? Want that swimsuit body for this summer? Look, it didn't happen for you last year, and it's not going to happen this year, either. But don't worry, you're in good company. Here's a guide to the best failed fad diets out there.
The Atkins diet
Back in the olden times, people associated the word “diet” with the idea of “eating healthy”. Fortunately, Dr. Robert Atkins rectified this situation, allowing people to use the word “diet” to describe the three steaks and wheel of Swiss cheese they just had for dinner.
Mmm… diet steak.
Weight Watchers
9700 Lake City Way Ne, Seattle, WA 98115
Because you can’t do it on your own, you fat loser.
Because you can’t do it on your own, you fat loser.
Red cabbage can also be used as a pH indicator.
The Cabbage Soup Diet
I never liked cabbage. It combines the tedium of eating lettuce with all the flavor of licking cardboard. But if you disagree with my position, perhaps the cabbage soup diet is for you! Spend a couple days eating nothing but cabbage and soup, then slowly work your way back up to eating like a normal person over the course of a week. Guaranteed to loosen your waistline, or at least your bowels.
Jack Lalanne is 237 years old and he owes it all to his power juicer!
Juice fasting
When I was five years old, I loved apple juice. I drank it with breakfast, with lunch, and with dinner. With better publicity, I could have been the founder of juice fasting, a diet that claims to do everything from losing weight, to easing asthma, to curing cancer. If that sounds good you, pick up a juicer and get juicing!
If liposuction’s not enough, there’s always amputation.
For when drastic action is necessary.
For when drastic action is necessary.
When drastic action isn’t enough, take advanced drastic action here.
When drastic action isn’t enough, take advanced drastic action here.
It’s not the outfit that makes you look fat, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.
I can almost taste the pseudoscience.
Negative Calorie Diet
Negative calorie foods, the theory goes, (and I use the word “theory” loosely, there is no science involved here) require more calories to digest than they provide the body. Therefore, the more you eat, the more you lose. Begin with foods like carrots and celery. For an even greater effect, chill them so your body has to use energy to warm them back up. Or just drink ice water. Or flap your arms three times and run around in a circle, it’ll probably work just as well. Sucker.
Other people are fatties, too
Meet them here.
The South Beach Diet
The South Beach Diet has three phases. In phase 1, you eliminate carbohydrates. “But wait,” you say, “isn’t that just the Atkins diet?” Well, yes, but in phase 2 you avoid being sued for copyright infringement by eating a small amount of carbohydrates. This is quickly followed by phase 3: Profit.
South Beach. Side effects may include mermaidification.
Breathairianism
For sheer stupidity, it is tough to top breathairianism. In past years, several followers of the practice have been nominated for Darwin awards for selflessly removing themselves from gene pool. Believers say that food and water are unnecessary for humans, and that we can survive solely on light and the nutrients we absorb from the air.
Eat sensibly and exercise
Likely the shortest-lived idea of all the diets on this page, this one is unlikely to ever catch on.
Be a Yuppie Bicycle Commuter
Some helpful tips on pretending to exercise.
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