Beauty Gone Bad

Unfortunately, I’m not kidding about this one. Teeth tattoos not only exsist, but the options seem endless. This will never, ever seem like it was a good idea.

We have flat irons to mimic straight hair. We’ve got curling irons to give us flowing waves. And, unfortunately, there also exists crimping irons, which re-create the attractive stuck-my-finger-in-an-electric-socket look.

I’m all about a nude lipliner to define your mouth a bit. But how, pray tell, did this look ever come to pass? At what point did someone look in the mirror and say, “I need to line my lips with black liner”? I’m confused and would like to fund a study to pinpoint who, where, and W.H.Y.

Ah, the lure of Sun-In as a 13-year-old. The fantasy of looking like Gisele Bundchen comes to a screeching halt when a brassy, orange hue is what’s staring back at you in the mirror. So NO, girls. Spraying your entire head with Sun-In will not give you highlights.

I can’t really comment on these “brows” right now. I’m experiencing severe nausea and panic. Please just refer to my other guide (below) for my thoughts on this issue.

Bottom line: if there is a very real danger of someone’s hand getting stuck inside your mass of curls, you’re using too much product. Period.

If you are some sort of stage performer, you may skip this one. But for the rest of us: c’mon. We all want white teeth, but how white is too white? When it hurts to look at you? Isn’t the goal to look your best – not to look like a cartoon?

If excessively long talons aren’t enough, some go the extra mile and have painstakingly detailed designs applied as well. Unless these are part of a costume and can be popped off at the end of the night, please cease and desist. The look is tacky, ridiculous, and frightening.

Highlights that mimic a skunk’s markings are not flattering, pretty, or natural-looking in the least. Leave this look to Avril Lavigne or Kelly Clarkson circa 2003.

Self-tanners are a great invention – rather than sit in the sun and risk skin cancer for that glow, you can buy it in a bottle. Buuuut…poorly applied tanner (and one that’s not the right color for your skin) can turn a potentially positive look into one that went way wrong.

Huge hair screams “80’s!” and “I put tons of blow-dryer time into this!” and, frankly, looks dumb.

Nude lips are sexy and kissable. But too-nude makes you look like a corpse and your teeth look yellow. Which, I suppose, is the least of your worries when you look like a corpse.

We’re desperate. And the manufacturers of the Epilady know it. “They’ll do anything to get rid of unwanted hair”, they said. So they came up with this gizmo – probably the most painful device in the history of devices. “The pain is less with each use”, they reassured us. WHO CARES. I’VE THROWN IT OUT THE WINDOW AT THIS POINT.

Now, here’s my question. Let’s set aside all of the potential health hazards regarding injecting a foreign substance into your lips. Do they go in WANTing the trout pout? Or does it just happen?