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The Tao of Beard
- by jayferris
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- March 16, 2009
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"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless - boys and women - and I am neither one." -- Greek saying A who's who and what's what of beardedness. From the fathers of modern thought to our shining stars, it is the single unifying force between man and his ultimate destiny: greatness.
Elmar Weisser
Elmar and his beard stylings are the epitome of German engineering, winning him the freestyle competition in 2 of the last 4 World Beard Championships. Granted he hasn’t been laid in 17 years, but sometimes greatness requires sacrifice.
Jesus
I’m not sure if there’s a more glaring example of the mathematical awesomeness of beards than Jesus. Let me demonstrate:
Son of God = Has Beard
The only reason having a beard wasn’t one of the Ten Commandments is because it’s even more obvious than “Thou shalt not kill.”
Uncle Jesse
As played by Denver Pyle (Willie Nelson’s beard-cred is negated by the braided hair) in the TV show Dukes of Hazzard. When those Duke boys were knee deep in the shit and Daisy was too busy wagging her ass to distract Roscoe, Uncle Jesse and his beard hair-powered pile of a truck would swoop in to save the day. Plus, “Denver Pyle” sounds like a raunchy sex move just waiting to happen.
A Handy Beard
If my beard could do this, I wouldn’t be eating Skittles or interviewing for jobs. In fact, I’d probably only come out of the basement when I was running low on Oreos and vegetable oil.
All About Beards
Go here to increase your awareness, appreciation, and understanding of the beard. Feel free to chortle at the user submitted pictures while your glistening, bushy mane bounces in mockery at their feeble attempt to best you both.
Zeus
Bearded ruler of Mount Olympus and God’s drinking buddy. Little known fact: Zeus’ lightning bolts are actually static electricity generated from rubbing his beard on an old wool sock.
King Leonidas
Not that the real Leonidas wasn’t all sorts of badass, but I’m really only focusing on the supreme bearditude of Gerard Butler as King Leonidas in the movie 300. And while I realize that it’s magnificence was likely the product of 5 different Hollywood stylists, that doesn’t change the fact that it got to engage in simulated sex with Lena Headey.
Leonardo da Vinci
Pretty much everything this guy touched turned to gold. He was an accomplished scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer. Dude even had a Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle named after him. Are we really supposed to believe that the prominence of his beard was in no way in direct correlation with his genius?
Evolution of a Beard
One man. Zero Social Skills. Seven weeks of beardy goodness distilled into 2 minutes.
World Beard and Moustache Championships
The World Beard and Moustache Championships will return to North America for the second time in its history when the City of Anchorage, Alaska rolls out the red carpet for the world’s bearded elite on May 23, 2009. The biennial celebration of facial hair is open to everyone. Sarah Palin will be guest judging, as by this point she won’t really have a helluva lot else going on.
Chuck Norris
The beard of all beards as far as some are concerned. This beard has crossed party lines, rescued prisoners of war, and even managed to teach Jonathan Brandis karate as nothing more than a figment of his imagination.
On the most notable occasion that the world bore witness to a beardless Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee defeated his character Colt in the 1972 martial arts masterpiece Return of the Dragon. Norris was so miffed about being killed off in a movie that he brushed his day-old chin stubble against Bruce’s head, inadvertently planting the seed for the cerebral edema that killed him one year later.
Random Chuck Norris Beard Facts
- Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Kimbo Slice
I know, I know. It only took Seth Petruzelli 14 seconds to put Kimbo, his beard, and the entire EliteXC organization down in October of 2008. Yet something tells me that neither you or anyone else you know would make a whisper of that within 100 miles of this bearded behemoth.
On a Final Note
This guide has the potential to go on for as long as some the beards it highlights. Sadly, not every notable beard made the cut. While some shamed beards everywhere (I’m talking to you Mel Gibson), others were so close I have to give them an honorable mention. In no particular order, they are:
Kenny Rogers, Santa Claus, Al from Home Improvement, The Dad from Family Ties, 2/3 of ZZ Top, Bob Ross, Grizzly Adams, Commander Riker from Star Trek TNG, Madonna, Jerry Garcia, and Barry White
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