The Bay Area Guide to Surviving a Zombie Attack

By Mitch.Kocen
updated about 1 month ago

There are some stock characters who should be familiar to any fan of Zombie films. The plucky every-man who barely survives a series of near misses through dumb luck, a terrified damsel in distress, a brash military man who dies because he's sure brute force will win the day.

But where is the smart guy or gal who is prepared for the rise of the living dead and has a well thought out escape and survival plan? Oh, that's right. They're not in the movie. By the time the movie starts, they're already in their cabin sipping hot coco and sniping the undead from safety.

This guide will help you be that person, sipping that coco. The guide will also show you some neat little out of the way places, so if there never is a zombie outbreak, you'll still find some great places to hang out. You're welcome.

Basic Tips

The biggest key to surviving a zombie outbreak (or, any disaster really) is to have all the stuff you need ahead of time. If you wait until there is panic in the street, it’ll be too late to go to the grocery store. Here’s some stuff you’ll want to have nearby, just in case.

Water. The more you can get, the better. You can be fairly confidant that eventually an earthquake will end and that it will be possible to get fresh water from somewhere. But earthquakes don’t bite relief workers and turn them into new earthquakes. With a zombie outbreak you can never be sure when help will come. The longer you can go without having to venture out into Biteytown, the better.
Food. If you can get stuff that is both ready to eat without cooking and doesn’t spoil quickly, you’re set. There’s no guarantee that the power/gas will stay on for very long.
Some way to seal off your shelter. I’m not going to lie to you. Eventually, zombies will get in. It doesn’t matter how well you build your shelter, they’ll find a way to break through. The ideal shelter will be secure enough to delay that for awhile, but give you an opportunity to get out. Too many of these movies end with people trapped with no way out.

The trick is to get into “zombie survival mode” before the full blown outbreak kicks off. Conservative estimates estimate that the average elapsed time between “Reports of crazed drug addicts biting passersby” and “They’re coming to get you Barbara” is between four and six hours. You’ll want to make a run for your survival spot as soon as things turn bitey. If it turns out not to be a zombie attack, you’ll be a little bit embarrassed, but it wont be that bad.

Summit Store

24197 Summit Rd, Los Gatos, CA 95033

For some fantastic sights in the great outdoors, it’s hard to beat the Santa Cruz mountains. Isolated without being completely remote, the summit area is a great place to get away from it all, especially if “it all” includes zombies. Follow the logic with this one. Zombies move slowly. They shamble, and many of them just drag one leg behind them. Zombies can’t function in the cold. It logically follows: Zombies hate hiking. If you can get yourself set up in the Santa Cruz mountains you can be pretty safe. Stock up on supplies at the Summit Store.

Alcatraz Island

Pier 33, Hornblower Alcatraz Landing, San Francisco, CA 94123

A historic landmark, a great view of the city and a virtually impenetrable bastion against the legion of undead? Sign me up! I know this seems like a problematic location. You can only get to it by boat, it’s not a real prison and there’s no food or supplies, and it’s super creepy. However, if you can get over to the island before the outbreak kicks off in earnest, you can be almost totally sure that no zombie will get out there. Zombies can’t drive boats. They can’t swim. You’ll be safe. Just take your own boat with your own supplies and you’ll be fine. There’s also a really great audio tour to keep you occupied while you wait for all the zombies to die out.

Metreon

101 4th St, San Francisco, CA 94103

Yes, I am aware that hiding in a mall during a zombie outbreak is cliche. But the Metreon is a special kind of mall. The entertainment center of San Francisco, the Metreon is chock full of trendy gadget stores and an Imax movie theater. How does this help you survive a zombie outbreak? Well, between the fancy food court (called the “taste of San Francisco”, the food court features tiny versions of San Francisco hotspots) and the video arcade (a glittering calvicade of first person shooters and video bowling), you’ll have plenty to do until the army comes to take care of those pesky zombies. The enormous glass wall that faces out into Buena Vista Gardens does present a challenge when it comes to securing the entrances, but it does give you a beautiful view into the heart of the SOMA district.

Thriller: Full Length

In some municipalities, it is against the law to write a guide or how-to manual about zombies without including a link to the full length version of Thriller. I understand that by posting two videos that feature dancing zombies that some people may get the impression that I’m getting all worked up over what amounts to a full contact version of a Busby Berkeley movie. The truth is, it is highly unlikely that zombies will be dancing, and if they are dancing, it is almost certainly a trap.

Paramount's Great America Theme Park

2401 Agnew Rd, Santa Clara, CA 95054

A pretty much indefensible hiding spot, this theme park boasts dozens of thrill rides, including several roller coasters and tower that drops you from high up. With no walls or fences to keep zombies out, hanging out at Great America gives you a 100% chance of getting turned into a zombie. However, if it’s looking like you’re going to turn into a zombie no matter what, wouldn’t you rather be the zombie comically riding Top Gun over and over rather than shambling around downtown?