A Guide on Douchebags (since we all need to be warned.)
By Chelsea
updated about 1 month ago
I've been known to date a few D-BAGS in my day. I found myself jumping from one to the next and thinking that just because their "costume" changed, their personality would too. Turn out, D-bags come in all sorts of forms. Sometimes we all need to be warned and given precautionary signs, as to avoid a possibly fatal dating situation. In case you were confused, here is the REAL definition of Douche (though I happen to find mine much more entertaining): The true definition of douche is; a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.
RIGHT. The people over at Webster's obviously haven't met some of my exboyfriends. Here is MY guide, watch out ladies....and men, there are girl versions too.
Hysterical comments. I love when people are “so” uninterested in your “shitty” guide that they sign up for guidespot just to write you countless comments. Good work dear.
Saw a douche this weekend… The douche that wears no shirt while he is driving in his car (alone mind you).... Then pulls a u-turns and GAWKS at a woman who is jogging… Then speeds up so his tires squeal, and then blares his music as he make s a heated right-turn… oh baby, oh baby oh… you are really turning me on.
All these heated commenter boys deep down must be super bothered that they’re type is being bashed on. Its gotta be pretty heartbreaking to realize that girls actually catch on to their ‘great’ tactics. And if they haven’t, that they soon will after reading this…
How about the pessimistic douche bag? The kind who acts like nothings worth it, and you’re just another girl to kill his time..
Don’t forget MetroSexual Douche. This guy hangs out at Central Market, Whole Foods and Starbucks and had his manicurist on speed dial. He spends more time getting ready in the morning than you do, and “Do I look fat in this?” has crossed his lips. He claims he’s not gay, but there is a lot of room for doubt.
The Fem Douche: “needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.”
hehe! actually, that’s just what we do. Then, after we break them, we blame them for breaking! I’ve come up w/ a new one: “Troll Douche.” This is me. This type sits in her bedroom hitting “refresh” on her browser while her chicken defrosts. sickening.
Fem Douche: This is the only type of Douche that is exclusively female. This brand of Douche thinks they are sooooo much better and more deserving then all other Douches and can be found writing articles criticizing Douches and stating how much better they are. This type of Douche needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.
i think it’s awesome that people are hating on you coz you have pop sociology in your genes. Your crime is enjoying typography. ooo, Sociology Douche: Can’t stop pointing out how every behavior you have is just the result of the institutions with which you interact! Bach Douche: uses the word “contrapuntal.” (I don’t think that last one counts, hehe)
ex-mormon douchebag: makes you read “The Ethical Slut.” Thinks he wants to explore polyamory but really just wants to be able to emotionally and sexually control his woman. Like his daddy did.
I happen to be an intellectual douchebag, so I’m really getting a kick out of these responses. lolz!!!1! OMG, the word ‘douchebag’ is not in my spellchecker.
Oh, but just to be clear, I did enjoy the humor and found the article hilarious… even if a bit inaccurate and silly. I think I fall into the Eco Douche, as I guess I do care about the environment and the well-being of people and animals. Didn’t know that was a “DOUCHE” thing, but hey… it’s still funny.
There has to be a name for the Douche who mocks/ridicules other people and stands falsely and self-righteously above and beyond those he or she condemns.
I’ve coined this “THE RE-DOUCHE.” I almost went with Double-Douche, but I think RE-Douche captures it better, because the only sense of identity that person has is in the mocking and ridiculing of other people.
I was pretty sure I invented the word “Douchebaggery” a couple years ago. I forgot the situation in which this glorious sound first spouted forth from my mouth, but rest assured it was a perfect fit. This is the first time it’s ever been seen in writing though. Next time I’m buying a copyrite.
Hah! I’m not a douchebag! Nowhere on the list are any of my traits described. HUGE weight lifted off my chest. I’m neither buff nor particularly intellectual and I possess absolutely no musical talent. I recycle though, so is that going to be a problem? I do counter it with a nice juicy steak afterwards…but I put the bone in the compost…oh god! Noooooo!
Your future, Mme. Chelsea: You will sort out all “douches” (people outside your narrow spectrum). The sad average creature you will finally pick will be allowed to inseminate you, buy you a car and a house. And you will mock him for the rest of his life for of all the things he is not. That being said – enjoy your life. Just do everyone a favor and stop writing. Thank you. That will be all.
It’s not without irony that someone who tries so hard to point out how men are annoying, shallow creatures shows just how shallow she is herself. The despising comments about “heavy books”; about “just drinking black coffee”? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. “Urgh; he’s reading/ making music/ working out – run like hell!” (Yeah; I do all these things, so I’m a multi-douche)
(400 character comment limit? Oh boy. Snip snip snip … :) The author grabbed a few stock photos, attached stereotyped bits of text to them and now accepts the foreseeable applause from people who “know all these guys” and “have been through this”. Yeah – on your TV set, a safe substitute for the complicated mess that is real life. How old are you; seventeen?
This was the lousiest little piece I have read in a long time (and coming here from digg, that means a lot). And that’s not because it “hits too close to home” (it covers about any male on the planet anyway, which seems to be the punchline). It’s just that this “guide” oozes sloppy thinking, sloppy writing and poor attempts at humor (not to mention the retarded layout). In a word: fail.
This was an awesome list, especially since I’ve met at least one of each variety. The musician douche is the worst, but he is sometimes accompanied by the “lovable” douche. He will make tons of jokes (often physical humor), and will get on everybody’s good side in public. After getting to know them though, you will find them easily irritable and unable to be wrong – often criticizing your thoughts
Since I’m sure you weren’t quite clever enough to see the irony in my comment, I must point out that you fall into the category of Critic Douche. I’m also aware of the comments that would be in retort, such as “Did I hit a little too close to home?” and others like it. Don’t waste your time, that’s just evading your own issue, which is what critics are best at, pointing their fingers at others.
You forgot the Critic Douche. This is the douche who does something very simple, such as pointing out an obvious quality or behavior in others or in some aspect of life and lambasting them for it. This douche believes that they are clever and witty, a quality which relates them closely to the pseudo-intellectual douche and the elitist douche. This douche has no real skills and can only complain.
Chelsea are you by chance maybe a lesbian? This guide has lesbian written all over it.. Just the fact that you wrote this horrible horrible guide makes your fail at life.
Don’t forget the Actor/Theatre Douchebag. They are convinced they’re sex on legs and that they’re going to be rich and famous! Tend to turn everything into some form of physical joke, usually homosexual, and critique every movie/TV show and play to pieces. The other Douche to avoid is the Ren Faire Douche…the guy who dresses up as either a Knight, King, Peasant or Pirate on weekends.
Awful layout. It took me a while to find out that the columns were back and forthish, and even then I couldn’t follow it. Or is it my browser (safari).. .doesnt seem like it’s the browser’s fault…??
I’m thinking you’ve come across Hot Chicks With Douchebags Chelsea? Because you’d totally be into it, I can see it happening… coincidentally, I think I possess about 85% of the traits you’ve listed below, but I can totally see putting a percentage on it being a douchebag sort of thing.
Chels, you have expertly and fantastically covered them all.
MY DEFINITION OF DOUCHE:
Douche is like an endless salad bar of accouterments, douche is multifaceted word and I’ll have to give you a breakdown
Douchebags are like little boys on Halloween, they make be playing dress up in one of their many suits- but at the end of the day, stripped to the buff- underneath it all is a Douchebag.
Rich Douche
The Rich Douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at a dinner table, while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich Douche’s usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’d have a greyhound and would think pubs were for Irish invalids, take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.
How to avoid the Rich Douche:
Stay away from gated communities.
Be wary of loafers.
Quesiton anyone who’s Mother’s name is; Candy, Muffin, Vivian or Buffy.
Skip the summer house.
Country clubs are a NO. NO.
Golf wear.
Prep schools.
Frat houses
Anyone who’s friends with the cast of The Hills is a high alert douche warning.
The Poor Douche ALWAYS has the dough for: wifebeaters, beer, and beef jerky.
Gym Douche
You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche like Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earrings while running on the treadmill, and lipsynching Madonna
Watch out if he’s wearing a shirt mentioning his, “GUN SHOW.”
How to avoid the Intellectual Douche
Don’t take any classes that involve; philosophy, latin, classics, chemistry or linguistics of any sort.
Not matter what you do, DO NOT hit on the barista
Stop eyeing the dude at the library
Question him if he’s drinking brandy or enjoys gin.
If he’s constantly quoting; Nietzsche, Jean-Paul Sartre, and Immanuel Kant.
Be wary of heavy books and big bags.
He tells you he’s currently, “finding his religion.”
That’s right, I said it- John Mayer is a MUSICIAN DOUCHE. Totally.
Musician Douche
THESE ARE THEWORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, and fancy voices and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one” one that will love you when eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and imperfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…..and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth? He’s still a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL. Not to mention Musician Douche can then write beautiful hate songs about you, that will leave everyone feeling sorry for his poor. little. heart. You bitch.
If his living room looks like this on a frequent basis- you’ve got a douche on your hands. Him AND his boyz.
How to avoid a Gangsta Douche
Liquor stores
Clubs bumping Top 40 rap artists; T.I., 50 Cent, Young Jeezy or Lil Wayne.
He has an alarming collection of Nike Dunks
Matching sweat suits- MAJOR WARNING. As are patterend hoodies.
He drives an Escalade
He travels in a pack. i.e. entourage.
You’ve seen him buying Swishers
Stay away from anywhere with All You Can Eat ribs.
Avoid hip hip battles, dancers, graffiti artists, PRODUCERS, and MC’s
The Eco Douche is closely related to the Intellectual Douche and often the Musician Douche, since he most likely has an acoustic guitar laying around his house. Be wary of farmers markets, canvas bags, any man riding a bike or hiking while snacking on granola. The Eco Douche will undoubtedly make you feel like YOU are pollution. You and all your bad habits, he will make you feel very small and very bad for LOVING steak and cheese. He’s most likely a raw foodist.
DOUCHEBAGS, I WILL EXPOSE YOU.
If you don't like D-bags, you may dig these links:
The Rich Douchbag has a jet. I didn’t say there weren’t SOME perks.
Poor Douche
Just as bad as rich douche, though in a different way. Poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” Poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douche eats entirely too much pizza and plays entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans his bathroom. Poor Douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they are one in the same- one just isn’t overdrawn.
How to avoid Poor Douche
Never fall for a pickup line at a convenience store
Meeting on a “smoke break”
Question the guy who lives at home with Ma
Stay away from bars with 25 cent buffalo wings
Bars with beer pong, bad choice.
Don’t hit on the guy playing video games at the arcade. If he isn’t poor he’s 14.
Get out of Walmart
If you can picture your date looking like THIS, that’s a problem. If you have SEEN your bf/man/lover/whatever, looking like this- RUN.
How to avoid the Gym Douche
Get out of the gym, try yoga instead.
GNC
Anywhere that has “protein powder” and smoothies, usually has Gym Douches.
Stay away from loud grunting noises.
Worry if you see a man in a black tank top and some sort of tribal tattoo.
The guy winking at you from the window of his Dodge, is probably headed to the gym.
If he starts the conversation with….,”My body is a temple….”
His idol is The Rock.
Intellectual Douche
Will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive. Intellectual Douche will also make fun of you if you enjoy Rihanna.
The SMUG FACE…..Not a good sign.
How to avoid Musician Douche
Never ever date a guy who has a band. Band member, band practice- band ANYTHING.
Stay away from guys with Band t-shirts
He mentions LOVING Coldplay
SHOWS- any and all shows, if he is a frequent concert goer, watch out.
Avoid Guitar Center
He lives in; Seattle, Los Angeles, New York, Austin or Nashville.
Really great “air drumming” is a douche waiting to emerge.
He has a Jim Morrison poster on his wall. A POSTER.
Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts, while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche should chill out on the cubic zirconium. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…..at least until you’re his baby mama.
The Frat Douche, closely linked with the Rich Douche, often confusing. Frat Douche’s are much LOUDER. And Drunker.
The Wise Guy Douche is closely related to the Rich Douche and the Intellectual Douche. Be wary of him because your Dad will like that he has a secure job, your Mom will think he’s charming, your Grandma will love his dimples and YOU will know he’s a D-bag. He will bug the crap out of you with his not funny, “funnies” and annoying coworkers. He’ll try to act helpful but really he’s just being patronizing.
I'd like some audience participation
The douche varities are endless really…..those listed above are simply the ones that I have personally encountered, made out with, dated and attempted LOVING. So, yes- I speak from bad decision making and clearly bad judgement.
WHAT TYPE OF D-BAGS DO YOU KNOW???? AND HOW, OH HOW- CAN I AVOID THEM?!
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Click here to log in.what about the theme park douche bag (six flags, disneyland…)
here’s me and you:
http://www.sfwchan.com/pics/42073593.gif
Glad you included hot chicks with douchebags… Joey Porsche Experience is quite something to behold, neh, Chelsea?
awesome
Hysterical comments. I love when people are “so” uninterested in your “shitty” guide that they sign up for guidespot just to write you countless comments. Good work dear.
Saw a douche this weekend… The douche that wears no shirt while he is driving in his car (alone mind you).... Then pulls a u-turns and GAWKS at a woman who is jogging… Then speeds up so his tires squeal, and then blares his music as he make s a heated right-turn… oh baby, oh baby oh… you are really turning me on.
Which kind wears his sunglasses on the back of his head? That’s the kind I really can’t stand.
All these heated commenter boys deep down must be super bothered that they’re type is being bashed on.
Its gotta be pretty heartbreaking to realize that girls actually catch on to their ‘great’ tactics. And if they haven’t, that they soon will after reading this…
How about the pessimistic douche bag? The kind who acts like nothings worth it, and you’re just another girl to kill his time..
Well I have to say this was very funny, sounds like some of these guys found this guide hitting a little to close to home. Cracks me up!
Don’t forget MetroSexual Douche. This guy hangs out at Central Market, Whole Foods and Starbucks and had his manicurist on speed dial. He spends more time getting ready in the morning than you do, and “Do I look fat in this?” has crossed his lips. He claims he’s not gay, but there is a lot of room for doubt.
The Fem Douche: “needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.”
hehe! actually, that’s just what we do. Then, after we break them, we blame them for breaking!
I’ve come up w/ a new one: “Troll Douche.” This is me. This type sits in her bedroom hitting “refresh” on her browser while her chicken defrosts. sickening.
Fem Douche: This is the only type of Douche that is exclusively female. This brand of Douche thinks they are sooooo much better and more deserving then all other Douches and can be found writing articles criticizing Douches and stating how much better they are. This type of Douche needs to face the facts of life or start dating fat/ugly guys who out of desperation will kneel to her every need.
i think it’s awesome that people are hating on you coz you have pop sociology in your genes. Your crime is enjoying typography. ooo, Sociology Douche: Can’t stop pointing out how every behavior you have is just the result of the institutions with which you interact! Bach Douche: uses the word “contrapuntal.” (I don’t think that last one counts, hehe)
Uh, hi – I’m here for the free pizza.
ex-mormon douchebag: makes you read “The Ethical Slut.” Thinks he wants to explore polyamory but really just wants to be able to emotionally and sexually control his woman. Like his daddy did.
I happen to be an intellectual douchebag, so I’m really getting a kick out of these responses. lolz!!!1! OMG, the word ‘douchebag’ is not in my spellchecker.
“John Mayer is a TOTAL DOUCHE.”
There, FIFY.
You might want to add the granola douche or the easily offended douche (aka no sense of humor douche).
Oh, but just to be clear, I did enjoy the humor and found the article hilarious… even if a bit inaccurate and silly. I think I fall into the Eco Douche, as I guess I do care about the environment and the well-being of people and animals. Didn’t know that was a “DOUCHE” thing, but hey… it’s still funny.
There has to be a name for the Douche who mocks/ridicules other people and stands falsely and self-righteously above and beyond those he or she condemns.
I’ve coined this “THE RE-DOUCHE.” I almost went with Double-Douche, but I think RE-Douche captures it better, because the only sense of identity that person has is in the mocking and ridiculing of other people.
Automatically thinking “It takes one to know one” Is ignorant and just plain unintelligent. Someone had to list them out. Nice work Chelsea.
I was pretty sure I invented the word “Douchebaggery” a couple years ago. I forgot the situation in which this glorious sound first spouted forth from my mouth, but rest assured it was a perfect fit. This is the first time it’s ever been seen in writing though. Next time I’m buying a copyrite.
Hah! I’m not a douchebag! Nowhere on the list are any of my traits described. HUGE weight lifted off my chest. I’m neither buff nor particularly intellectual and I possess absolutely no musical talent. I recycle though, so is that going to be a problem? I do counter it with a nice juicy steak afterwards…but I put the bone in the compost…oh god! Noooooo!
Obviously written by a douchebag. She must know her subject well.
Just had to tell you – this guide cracked me up!
All I can say is well done.
Are there some interests that are relatively douche-free? For example, is there such a thing as sports douche?
Your future, Mme. Chelsea: You will sort out all “douches” (people outside your narrow spectrum). The sad average creature you will finally pick will be allowed to inseminate you, buy you a car and a house. And you will mock him for the rest of his life for of all the things he is not.
That being said – enjoy your life.
Just do everyone a favor and stop writing.
Thank you. That will be all.
It’s not without irony that someone who tries so hard to point out how men are annoying, shallow creatures shows just how shallow she is herself. The despising comments about “heavy books”; about “just drinking black coffee”? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. “Urgh; he’s reading/ making music/ working out – run like hell!” (Yeah; I do all these things, so I’m a multi-douche)
(400 character comment limit? Oh boy. Snip snip snip … :)
The author grabbed a few stock photos, attached stereotyped bits of text to them and now accepts the foreseeable applause from people who “know all these guys” and “have been through this”. Yeah – on your TV set, a safe substitute for the complicated mess that is real life.
How old are you; seventeen?
This was the lousiest little piece I have read in a long time (and coming here from digg, that means a lot). And that’s not because it “hits too close to home” (it covers about any male on the planet anyway, which seems to be the punchline). It’s just that this “guide” oozes sloppy thinking, sloppy writing and poor attempts at humor (not to mention the retarded layout).
In a word: fail.
This was an awesome list, especially since I’ve met at least one of each variety. The musician douche is the worst, but he is sometimes accompanied by the “lovable” douche. He will make tons of jokes (often physical humor), and will get on everybody’s good side in public. After getting to know them though, you will find them easily irritable and unable to be wrong – often criticizing your thoughts
Maybe I forgot category of, “Sensitive Douche??” BTW- I LOVE MEN. A LOT. Cheers to you all for your “constructive criticism.” Word.
And for the record- if you AREN’T a douche, you see the comedy in this guide.
Wow, the Diggtards sure got their angry up over this one. Fantastic guide Chelsea, no matter what these douches say.
I signed up just to call you a stupid bitch.
Since I’m sure you weren’t quite clever enough to see the irony in my comment, I must point out that you fall into the category of Critic Douche. I’m also aware of the comments that would be in retort, such as “Did I hit a little too close to home?” and others like it. Don’t waste your time, that’s just evading your own issue, which is what critics are best at, pointing their fingers at others.
You forgot the Critic Douche. This is the douche who does something very simple, such as pointing out an obvious quality or behavior in others or in some aspect of life and lambasting them for it. This douche believes that they are clever and witty, a quality which relates them closely to the pseudo-intellectual douche and the elitist douche. This douche has no real skills and can only complain.
Chelsea are you by chance maybe a lesbian? This guide has lesbian written all over it.. Just the fact that you wrote this horrible horrible guide makes your fail at life.
Don’t forget the Actor/Theatre Douchebag. They are convinced they’re sex on legs and that they’re going to be rich and famous! Tend to turn everything into some form of physical joke, usually homosexual, and critique every movie/TV show and play to pieces.
The other Douche to avoid is the Ren Faire Douche…the guy who dresses up as either a Knight, King, Peasant or Pirate on weekends.
And wow. Amazingly, by writing this article, you have become a douche.
Nice article but i must say:
Awful layout.
It took me a while to find out that the columns were back and forthish, and even then I couldn’t follow it. Or is it my browser (safari).. .doesnt seem like it’s the browser’s fault…??
Here’s a guy who should be at the top of the douchebag list.
Ricer douche, related to gangsta douche. Drives a honda civic and thinks that they are driving a race car and ownes a copy of fast the the furious.
This guide is must read—totally!
you said it Chubbi. This guide is a vicious attack on men everywhere!
I’m thinking you’ve come across Hot Chicks With Douchebags Chelsea? Because you’d totally be into it, I can see it happening… coincidentally, I think I possess about 85% of the traits you’ve listed below, but I can totally see putting a percentage on it being a douchebag sort of thing.
Chels, you have expertly and fantastically covered them all.