Yuppie It Uppity In Park Slope

What IS a Yuppie?

Well, technically speaking, it’s a “young urban professional” or “young upwardly-mobile professional.” They are relatively financially secure (though what does THAT mean anymore?!?), and when it comes to Park Slope, they usually have some rugrats. For the record, both parents and said rugrats think they rule this ‘hood, and in some ways they do (hello strollers!)
Even when I lived in Park Slope, I don’t think I qualified, as I never had a normal job, i.e., I am NOT a professional. And I would say that living off the system, having no savings/401K/stocks/bonds/investments/property, hustling my a— off and sometimes eating saltines for lunch does not in any way put me in the “upwardly-mobile” category. Young? Relatively I guess. Mobile, yes, but in what particular direction…well, that remains to be seen! 

What do Yuppies eat? (Groceries)

Organic, local, hormone-free, humanely-raised, preservative-free, healthy food. You get all that? Food isn’t merely eaten, it’s researched first, carefully chosen and pretentiously prepared at home using only the finest knives, Sur La Table cookware, ovens with hoods and purified water, even though NYC’s tap water is the best—gotta watch out for the little ones!
Because of all these absolutely necessary requirements for every particle ingested by yuppie families, they do not shop just anywhere. Don’t be fooled by the big Key Food on 7th Avenue—true yuppies do not regularly shop there. There’s consistently a panhandler outside. As if!

The Park Slope Food Co-op

“The Co-op” as it’s referred to by its neighbors and/or members deserves a guide all to itself, because it is quite the entity, quite the enigma and to put it nicely, the most OBNOXIOUS grocery store in existence, anywhere, ever, always. It also happens to be one of the biggest and oldest food co-ops in the country, equipped with a board of directors, a severed penal code and childbirth leave for members.
You have to be a member to shop there, but if you sign in (after you get yelled at, sneered at, looked down upon), you can accompany a member. I did this once, and never again. There was a holier-than-thou air so thick you couldn’t cut it with those finest knives I mentioned above. I felt like the unworthiest creature in there, and I probably was, as I held NON-member status. You familiar with fascist rule? Welcome to the Co-op!

*Suggested Reading*

Where do Yuppies Eat? (Restaurants)

When they aren’t sauteing fresh out of the ground fennel bulbs and roasting up a free-range chicken, yuppies go out to eat. Don’t stray too far from the coop (or the co-op)—eat in one of Park Slope’s many lovely establishments with either a kid menu or kid-friendly atmosphere (read: don’t go to these places if you are a non-yuppie). It’s important to make little Stewart Jr. comfortable in his surroundings, but occupy him with the latest Jonathan Lethem or Nicole Kraus book if possible. 
Despite having the kids in tow, the dinner conversation will be about the latest kid boutique in the neighborhood, a new intellectually stimulating play group, the best nannies, the best schools, sulfite-free wine, upcoming vacations to North Fork or the Cayman Islands and any other benefits of being an entitled Yuppie in Park Slope.

Where do they hang out?

In coffee shops where some of us are TRYING to get some friggin work done while yuppie moms are breastfeeding (I approve) wailing, vomiting (I do not approve) little ones. You’re making all these places romper rooms that smell like various human secretions! Not to mention the boatload of strollers everywhere and toys lobbed at anyone unlucky to be in the way.
Oh, and Park Slope families also have another habit that makes for much contention between them and adults without kids: they bring their entire yuppie family to BARS. If we had the pub culture of the UK, more akin to a family-restaurant, this would be fine. But, we do not. Leave ’em at home with the nanny or admit that your social life is over anyway. Go play some board games in the den or catch up on the NYTimes online after Aidan is asleep.

Where do the yupsters shop for unnecessaries?

Remember when baby boutiques didn’t really exist, except for at the occasional high-end shopping mall? Oh right, that was only a few years ago. What the heck happened?!? Since when do 6-month olds need designer threads and $400 contemporary rocking chairs? A kid boutique took over my favorite bakery for cheap coffee and chocolate covered pretzels and I curse them every time I get caffeine withdrawal while in the nabe. 
Part of living in the land of Brooklyn entitlement is feeling like you need all these things being  shown to you in store windows. You not only need them, you deserve them. Because YOU made it! You are a New York success with your 4-story brownstone, own parking space, little backyard with lanterns and daily latte habit. Go you! Now go shopping!