Your Worst Job

Elevator "Expediter" At The Signature Room

I rode the packed sweltering elevator up and down 96 flights, wearing a polyester coat with shoulder pads in it, informing guests that drinks and appetizers were served on 96, and dinner reservations were on 95.

Yes, a drunk lady threw up one time on the way down, and yes, the other guy I worked with was a snotty French foreign exchange student named Olivier who kept bragging about the fact that his uncle directed the movie, Hoop Dreams.

Knot Tyer

I spent one memorable summer working a second job as a knot tyer, tying knots (shocker) in lengths of frayed strings that were sold as bird toys. Imagine sitting in a cramped room full of itchy rope with three elderly women that chain-smoked. Don’t get me wrong; the office hook-ups were pretty hot, but getting paid by the knot is the short road to self-taught noose tying skills.

Babysitter For Son Of A Child Psychiatrist

The dad talked in third-person, made me watch the musical CATS on VHS with his son, and didn’t take too kindly to the fact that I allowed junior to open his father’s collector Star Wars toys. Oops.

Server At A Fly Infested Cafe

Not only did I have to kill about ten thousand flies that summer, but I also had to greet all guests by saying, “Bonjour.” Talk about classy.

American Eagle Sales Clerk

I was an American Eagle employee. AKA one of the most annoying people in the world. I had to do things like pester every single customer about what they would buy and how they could open up a credit card account. I also had to bring cute boys pairs of pants to their dressing room, knock on the door, and say, “I think these would look great on you!” Yeah, not thanks.