The A-Z Guide to Your Secret Ambitions: Part II

The Deal

When it’s your turn, you’ll need to come up with a secret ambition (no matter how ridiculously humiliating or preposterous) that begins with the next letter of the alphabet in this series. (N-Z.) For example, if the most recent entry is “Streak for the one lap at Churchill Downs”, the next logical entry would begin with a “T”, such as, “Tell everyone at work what you really think for an entire month.”

Please refer to TA-ZGTYSA: Part I to get an idea of the ridiculously high standard I’ve set for you:

L

Luksusowa.  It’s my dream to fly to Warsaw, Poland and take the tour of the Koneser factory, where Luksusowa was first produced.  The Koneser Vodka factory has been working since 1897.  Their Wild Berry Vodka is the best: it’s a triple distilled taste of blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, cranberries, and wild cherry.  

M

Manufacture a fool proof hologram creation device that would allow my ‘me’ to be in the office…while I’m sitting on a beach somewhere.  (And that somewhere would be faaaaar, faaaar, away!)

N

Narrate a Space Show. Take the day off, Tom Hanks. Use those opera tickets, Patrick Stewart. Get your nails done, Meryl. Today, audiences are going to gaze up at a ceiling full of stars and hear your voice explaining all of the gases, the masses, the dark matter and the infinite. Now if you’d like to make things really interesting, you could take the Kathleen Turner approach to voice-over narration and smoke a very large cigar, chased by a double shot of whiskey. No one paid for “average”. And don’t worry, friend, you don’t actually have to know anything about the universe; someone has taken the trouble to write it all down for you.

O

Open the Winning Wonka Bar for Charlie. “Here, let me get that for you…” It looks like Charlie’s struggling a bit with the wrapper. Can you really blame him? This is the moment of truth and if there isn’t a glimmer of gold inside, this poor kid might just lose it. Here are your instructions:

1. Assure Charlie that you’re trustworthy
2. Get far away from that man in the trench coat and glasses
3. Peel the wrapper back slowly to avoid ripping the ticket inside
4. Make a run for it – you’ve got the golden ticket!*

Pamper myself at a spa in Italy and never come back

Q

Quadruple the amount of information I actually remember  As old age, binge drinking, and lack of exercise for the brain catch up with me, large parts of things I used to know have fallen by the wayside.  Even less new information sticks with me.  If I could quadruple the amount of information I remember in a day, I might be up to four things a day (maybe slightly less).

R is for

Reading Shakespeare’s work in its entirety. I’m not sure how far along I am, but I just read the Comedy of Errors for the first time last week. No small feat to make Shakespeare your spare time/fun reading. In addition to reading all the plays and poetry though, I want to UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE it all…no light reading just to get it done. In other words, I want to be a Shakespeare scholar on the side.

S

Stride Accross the Gobi Desert Atop a Camel.  Sure, it’s probably really uncomfortable with the heat, the sand in your face and the saddle rash, but when you return home you’ll always have the check-mate, story-topper with any group of new friends or acquantences.  "You drove all the way accross New England in a Nissan sentra?  Very cool John!  You know, that almost reminds me of the time I strode accross the Gobi desert on a camel…"

T

Teach an underpriviledged, inner-city kid how to read or speak English.  I really think that this might be the most rewarding thing ever.

U is for

Undoing years of late night partying, overindulging in various substances and making many poor choices by spending a month sober, silent and celibate.

V

Vrksasana Pose.  Try it at any of NYC’s yoga studios.  Find your center of gravity so you can rise to any occasion and stay on top.  Avoid the plethora of aggressive out of work actresses competing with each other at the midtown studios.  Laughing Lotus is a little chingy chingy but their off hours classes aren’t jam-packed with aggressive actresses showing off.  

W

Wrap a dead body in a blanket and drop it in the Hudson.  I’m not naming any names, mostly because I don’t have enough room, but also because I’m simply doing this in the vein of Raskolnikov.  Is it possible to partake in such a crime and walk away untouched?  How would it change one?  Should I save my soul and just watch the entire The Sopranos series?

X

Embrace my Xenophilia and finally move to New Zealand and lose myself in the wilderness for at least at year.  Then, why not move on to Thailand, Nepal, Morocco, and South Africa?  I can learn the languages and local customs.  Now, for the funding!