10 Things Barack Obama Needs To Do To Keep My Vote
Barack Obama, you had me at "Hello." Of course, Mr. Obama I am not one to easily be fooled. Don't get me wrong: you're great; but I've just survived eight years of George W. Bush. The fact is I don't buy the hype until I hear what someone has to say. Voting by de facto seems a bit shallow to me, so: you want to keep my vote Mr. Obama? I'm going to make you work for it.
Actually Save The World
You certainly seem to have taken the world by storm with the simple slogan of “Change”. But before I kill anybody’s ice cream social, could you please step off your golden armored unicorn and explain to me what change you plan to enable? Here’s the thing: anyone can talk about change, but what do you plan on doing to make it happen? I want to believe, Barack. Really, I do! Just tell me, please!
Denver gets struck with the pandemic of Barack Fever.
Stimulate The American Economy
Okay, so I, along with the rest of the world, got to watch Financial Armageddon happen on Wall Street. While this may not have an immediate impact with non-investors, we all know it eventually will. For me, the economy is the biggest issue of the campaign, more so than foreign policy. I don’t believe in McCain’s Tax Cut program, so I’m guessing you have a better idea, right? Like an idea that doesn’t involve giving a tax cut to large corporations and just trusting that everything is going to be okay.
Host Saturday Night Live
McCain already has you beat in that department, so one-up the guy! Don’t just make an appearance. I’m talking about do and say everything you’ve ever wanted to say on TV and do it as a talking penguin trying to buy a car. Or even better! Be a guest anchor on Weekend Update! Or, or – dude introduce musical guest Justin Timberlake while wearing a “Jim and Pam, get engaged!” t-shirt! Look, if nothing else, it’ll help you land the college frat boy vote.
Get Your Wife To Help Me Meet Classy Ladies
Michelle Obama – class act. You’re a very lucky man, Barack; so how do I meet one? Obviously, there was some magic you worked to make her swoon. I’ve never dated a lawyer, do I have to pay a fee upfront? is there a retainer. Michelle Obama, teach me The Way!
Strip Joey Chestnut of his Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship
This would just be awesome.
I’ve tried hard to not sound biased at all, but here’s the plain truth: I support Barack Obama for President of The United States of America. I support his economic policies. I more or less agree with his foreign policies. I think he is better suited and more ready for the job than John McCain. Obama/Biden ’08. Make it happen, baby.
Rally The Autobots To Defeat The Decepticons
For years, these two mighty armies have been locked forever in combat. Barack Obama – one fights to save civilization, the other seeks to destroy it. Please, ally yourself with the Autobot army and lead the good fight. Without Optimus Prime, truly there is no hope. Except for you, Barack Obama, except for you.
Actually tell a good joke
It’s not secret that you don’t even have to try, Barack. America loves you just the way you are. But you’re so honest. And, I’m not saying that that is a bad thing, but I wonder what you’re like to go to a movie with. Look, no pressure or anything, but I know a couple of open mikes around the city. Why don’t you drop in, here and there, and just riff? It couldn’t hurt.
Before you even ask about his past drug use, YES, he did. And NO, no one cares anymore.
Fix American Foreign Policy
Suffice to say, things are a bit messy right now. We’ve lost major credibility in the eyes of the world. I guess that’s what happens when you fight a war over a false pretense. So, Barack, here’s what I need you to do: go out and fix it. I support a continued American involvement in Middle Eastern affairs. I support military action with enough evidence. But I don’t want to see anymore soldiers die. Plus, finding bin Laden by the 10th anniversary of 9/11 would be nice, too. So, Middle East – yes. War? No.
Tag Team with Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior
Not only was the main event at Wrestlemania VI one for the ages, but the feud still continues. Recently, The Warrior started talking smack about Hulk’s boy being in the slammer. Hogan recently endorsed your campaign. I think we both know what has to be done. Waving flags. Ripping shirts. And enough leg drops to send all the neo-con weirdos back to wherever they came from.