Do you remember when Hustler was the filthiest, dirtiest magazine around? Me either. It seems like Larry Flynt has turned his pornography empire into a legitimate enterprise, and judging from the throngs of people going in and out of Hustler Hollywood, it seems to be working.

Armenian Customer: “Let me have… looks around protector.”

Clerk: “What?”

Armenian Customer: more sternly “Let me have… protector!”

Clerk: “What are you talking about?”

Armenian Customer: huffily “Condom! Condom!”

Clerk: “Oh! Here are your… sly grin protectors”.

True story.

Infamous pickup joint and meet market, this rowdy bar is in the middle of West Hollywood’s notorious Boys Town. Gay or straight, they all come here to meet Mr./Ms. Right Now.

Home of LA’s biggest electronic music festivals, this place houses tens of thousands of people who exemplify loose moral sexual standards. This trend is only exacerbated by the large quantities of hallucinogenic drugs going around. If you can’t pick up here, I don’t know what to tell you.

My girlfriend tells me that many of her coworkers are surprised that we go to Hooters together. And to be honest, I don’t know why we go so often either. The food isn’t very good, the service is spotty at best and there’s always a gang of drunk guys mouthing off in every corner. What’s the draw, I wonder?

I remember coming here for my buddy’s 20th birthday party. I was excited for all of five minutes but quickly became bored. One particularly persistent dancer kept on trying to sell me a lap dance until I exclaimed heatedly, “I’m gay!” My buddy seeing the success of my tactic echoed quickly, “I’m gay too!” and proceeded to cuddle up to me. sigh This is probably why I never got any play in college.

I was running out of places… work with me here!