The Crappiest Furniture on Craigslist

That garage smell

Here’s the thing – I can tell the couch and ottoman that you are selling for $650 are stored in your garage or basement. Which always smell like garages and basements. Why would I want that? Also, that’s fug. You can’t sell fug for more than $100. Thems the rules.

Contemporary Chaise Lounge - nearly new - $700

That, my friend, is a waterslide. I will give you $700 for a waterslide.

$800 for a headboard?

We’re in a goddamn recession. I paid $800 for my entire bed, boxspring, and Nova-foam mattress (plus bedding). And even that was sort of spendy.

Arco Floor Lamp DWR - $1880

It is entirely possible that $1880 is a steal for a floor lamp. Really. That might be an awesome piece that will only increase in value over the years until I sell it to pay for my kids’ college educations.

VERY NICE BEDROOM DELUXE OAK HEADBORD FOR QUEEN BED - $800 (KENT,WA)

Look, I feel your pain, I really do. You probably paid a good deal of money for this back in 1985. Still, it’s OAK. Anything made of oak should sell for around $75.

Thomas Kincade painting - $900 (Lynnwood)

I can’t believe I’m asking this, but, is it real? Would it be worse to ask $900 for a real one, or for a fake one?

Leather Sectional Couch & Leather Chair from Masins $2500 (Bellev

That is a blue leather couch. Overstuffed. I don’t care if it is from Masins. It’s a blue, overstuffed sectional.

sofa bad - $450 (seattle)

Well, at least the description is accurate.

"Unique" is just another word for "OMG, what is that THING?"

ONE OF A KIND CAL KING LOG BED – $1599 (Woodland Ave/ Puyallup)

Vintage Mahogany OB/GYN Exam Table w/Stirrups

Because sometimes fact is better than fiction, straight from the actual CL ad: “Would this make a great buffet for the doctor in your life, OR maybe you want to play doctor!” Um, sick. Eat where a lot of butts and vaginas have been explored. A steal at $625.

CHINA HUTCH-LIGHT OAK, TWO PIECE-$775.00 - $775 (Puyallup)

Here’s a hint when selling something made of oak: estimate the value of the item, and then cut that value in half. Seven times. There. You have your asking price. Oak is still much too 80s to make a full, awesome-vintage comeback.

Couch Sofa Sectional - $950

“Gorgeous sectional sofa purchased a few years ago for a few thousand dollars, asking $950 for it. It’s in great shape.”

No, really, I have to ask – do people pay thousands of dollars for couches? I am the only one who finds $1000 just about the maximum amount that a couch should cost?

STUNNING UNIQUE WATERFALL CHANGING COLOR - $1795 (CHATSWORTH)

VERY UNIQUE PIECE THAT CHANGES COLORS WITH YOUR VIEWING ANGLE.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A STATEMENT, INDOORS OR OUT…….
UNDOUBTEDLY, THIS IS ONE HOT LOOKER YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOME WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR……….

THIS “AMAZON” OF MODERN ART WILL BE STRIKING SURROUNDED BY GREENERY OR DRESSING UP A SIMPLE PLAIN WALL.

IT WAS PURSHASED NEW FOR OVER $5,000.00, TO ACCENTUATE THE FOYER A MODERN MANSION BUT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY.
I AM DISPLAYING IT TO HELP MY FRIEND SELL IT.

GIVE BIRTH TO THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE SACRIFICED AT $1,795.00 OR MAKE YOUR BEST OFFER TO SOON HAVE IT IN YOUR HOUSE OR PLACE OF BUSINESS.

Yes. All caps text is a sure-fire way to look like a trustworthy salesman. Please tell me that you didn’t pay $5K for that thing. The only way I would pay even $200 for that 1980s circa piece of junk is if Max Headroom himself personally popped out of it and handed me an ice-cold can of TAB. And then I’d be forced to shoot it, because Max Headroom freaked me the hell out.

Designer Glass Dining Table and 4 Chairs - $999 (san leandro)

This is actually very attractive, if you are trying to decorate the Fortress of Solitude.

Sofa Table- needs work - $25 (Puyallup)

“I have this great sofa table that needs some work.
It has two drawers that are in great shape and open smoothly.
It measures 63” long X 18" wide
It needs new legs and they are available at Lowe’s for about $5-8 each."

Um, no. If you are selling a table with no legs, you are asking too much money. If you are giving it away, that’s another story. If you are paying someone to take it from you, then we’re on the save wave length.

Leather Couch w/ Dual Recliners - $680

Within ten postings on either side of this couch, there are IDENTICAL couches for $300. $300 is too much for this couch. $680 is really, really dumb.

Retro Giant Hand Chair Cast Plastic - $280

Actually, this is kind of… no, no, it’s just a big hand you can sit in. Nevermind.

It’s not technically “crap”, though, I’ll say that much.