I want to work for Google!

The Enforcer

I could roam from person to person and tell them what a good job they’re doing. “Great memo, Ben!” “Loving the hair Sara!” “Hey John! Great Post-It tower!” I might even pat them on the back. Everyone can use some positive reinforcement, even Googlelites. That’s what I’d call my colleagues.

Nosy Nancy

When I’m done commending everyone for a job well done, I could offer to organize their office. I like to organize and snoop through things. I’d be killing two birds with one stone and they’d reap all the benefits.

After that I could come up with some art for the website to celebrate obscure holidays such as PBJ day. Personally I’d love seeing two peanuts as Os when I opened up Google.

Official Tester

I could test out ball pits in case they were considering purchasing one. This includes, but is not limited to, trampolines, moon bounces, velcro walls, giant slides and bungee jumping.

Give it to me straight Doc

There is a doctor on site at one of their locations. I could come up with crazy diseases and make sure this doctor is top notch. No sub-par doc for Google! I’m willing to get poked and prodded for some G-love.

"Google"

I could say “google” in all sorts of funny voices and accents over a loud speaker. You know, just in case someone forgets where they are. And who knows, “google” may lull some employees into a calm, meditative state in which they create something truly magnificent. They’ll thank me.

I could be a pillow tester for employees who sleep in their offices. I’d appreciate someone checking my pillow nightly to make sure it was up to my fluffy standards.

Company Jester/Janitor

I could also roam the building telling jokes. People need to laugh. Happy employees tend to be more efficient and productive. They’re also less likely to write “I hate my job/boss/your face” on a Post-It and put them on microwaves, mirrors or windows. I’d clean up the sticky residue if they did.

Think about it...

See, there are many opportunities for me at Google that don’t require some fancy college degree or ridiculously mad computer/sales/marketing/engineering skills. I’m a Jenn of All Trades! How many companies boast one of those? None! So Google, if you were to ask me if I wanted to come on board and monitor the security of your elevators, I’d reply with an enthusiastic “super eff yeah!!!”

The Googler

If none of the above career choices tickle your fancy, perhaps Google could use a mascot. Just call me…The Googler. Normal chick with two cats by day, The Googler by night! So what would The Googler do for you? Let’s say you’re having a party and your little geeky baby doesn’t want a stupid clown. Call on The Googler. Balloon animals? No problem. Unless they pop. Then we have a serious problem because I will be out of there faster than a fat kid in spandex.

Yahoo Who?

I’m also willing to move around the office very stealth like and use my skills to help people Google things. Let’s say someone is, god forbid, using Yahoo. I know…I almost cried, too. Well I’d sneak attack them and change their search engine back to Google before they even know it. Microsoft wants to pay people? That’s no match for my skills! By the end of my tenure people will be like, “What’s Yahoo/Microsoft?” And I’ll shake my head as I say, “Exactly.”

Public Relations

Consider the extra money we could bring in with the appearances. I could become an ordained minister and wed people as The Googler. There could be Googler action figures, mugs, even holiday calendars (Tastefully wrapped in my Googler cape of course). I’m pretty sure this is the direction you need to be going Google.