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The Complete Guide To Wolf Shirts
- by elguapo
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- July 08, 2009
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Six Months ago Brian Govern, a law student at Rutgers Law School penned on Amazon.com what is perhaps the finest review of a wolf shirt in the history of EVER. Since his review there have been over 750 additional reviews and the Wolf Shirt has become Amazon's # 1 selling apparel item. Why? It's simple -- because Wolf Shirts are AWESOME. If you are not familiar with Wolf Shirts here is the complete guide to pretty much everything you need to know about. I have broken the guide down into Six Wolf sections I. Wolf Facts - These are facts about Wolfs that are true. II. Wolf Myths - These are false rumors that people have spread about Wolfs. In this section I use science and deductive logic to debunk these Wolf Myths. III. The Hierarchy of Wolf Shirts. Does your wolf shirt have a lone wolf? Perhaps it has two wolfs howling at the moon. Perhaps it has a Wolf and an Eagle fighting a dragon. In this section, I tell you what makes a Wolf shirt awesome so you know what to look for when you're buying a wolf shirt. IV. Wolf Shirt Fashion. How to be an awesome dresser. In this section I pretty much give you advice on how to wear your wolf shirt so you'll get the maximum amount of women. V. Shirts That are Not Wolf Shirts that you can wear if all your Wolf Shirts are dirty. This section talks about other cool shirts that are not wolf shirts. VI. History of the Wolf Shirt. In this section I have written a brief timeline of important wolf shirt dates throughout history starting with the day God invented the wolf shirt and finishing in the current times, which are the 2000s. I have also included a sample prototype of what Wolf Shirts will look like in the future. If you have any questions, you can send emails to me at jetfighterwolf93@gmail.com or IM me on AOL IamRocketWolf
I. Wolf Facts
These are Facts about Wolfs that are true.
Wolf Fact # 1: Wolf Shirts come in three sizes
Small, Medium, and AWESOME!
Wolf Fact # 4: Wolfs have lots of sex
In the 80s Michael J. Wolf had to change his name to Michael J. Fox because he was too tired to do his job from all the sex he was having. The same goes for the actor formerly know as Scott Baiowulf -—————>
Wolf Fact # 5: The the Closest Relative to the wolf is the eagle
The next closest relative after that is the dog; after that it’s Chuck Norris
Wolf Fact # 8 The only thing that can kill a wolf is another wolf
..that and Osteoporosis
Wolf Myth # 1: Chuck Norris Can Beat up a Wolf - FALSE
Just in case you don’t know anything about computers, this image is clearly photoshopped.
Chuck Norris has never beat up a Wolf, nor could he.
Wolf Myth #3: An Eagle can beat up a wolf - MEGA FALSE
An eagle could never beat up a wolf. Not even a giant eagle. Anyway this is a dumb rumor because eagles are Wolf’s closest relative. They’re sworn allies. Thus, they would never get in a fight.
III. The Hierarchy of Wolf Shirts
The more wolfs on your shirt, the better your shirt. If there is a Moon on your shirt or a translucent Ghost Wolf even better.
Good
This is the lowest form of wolf shirt. Lone wolf with no moon howling.
Best
Triple wolf attack + Space background + Moon Howling = Supreme Awesomness. BEST. WOLF SHIRT. EVER Owwwuuuuu. Owwww Owwww Owwwwwuuuuu.
Wolf Tip # 2: Wear Your Wolf Shirt to Important Meetings and Interviews
When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good you perform better.
When you wear a wolf shirt to an interview, you kick ass.
Dress for Success
ALWAYS wear a wolf shirt to job interview if you are applying to be
(1) a sorcerer
(2) a ninja
(3) an AV technician
Wolf Tip # 4: Grow a WolfBeard
When you grow a wolfbeard and wear a wolf shirt at the same time, people know you mean business. Ouuuwwwwuuuuu!!!!
V Shirts that are not Wolf shirts but you can wear when your wolf shirts are dirty.
This is a section that talks about shirts that are not Wolf Shirts, but you can wear them anyway if all your Wolf Shirts are dirty.
Tiger Shirt
A tiger is like a wolf if a wolf was a cat
Unicorn Shirt
This shirt comes with a mail-in rebate for a Lisa Frank Trapper-keeper
1652 - God Invents the Wolf Shirt
The original wolf shirt was itchy and if you were an Indian you wore it on your head.
The Great Wolf Shirt Wars: 1882-1890
In 1882, American Adventurers Lewis and Clark and Davey Crockett, stumble upon the Sioux Indians wearing awesome wolf shirts.
For the next eight years Davey Crockett battled the Indians, for their treasure, which is wolf shirts.
The 1980s - The Power Era of Wolf Shirts
The 1980s marks the height of wolf shirt popularity. Why because the 80s were awesome and so are wolf shirts.
Anti-Wolf Propaganda -- 1988
Fearing a Wolf Shirt revolution, Ronald Reagan appoints Ned Algeo to Wolf Czar and launches anti-wolf propaganda campaign into America’s elementary schools. Wolf Shirt sales drop faster than the Berlin Wall.
Wolf Fact: Two and a half Men was originally called “Three Men” until a wolf ate half of the third guy
2070: What Wolf shirts will look like in the Future
Future Rocket-Space Wolf Shirt (prototype)
“Three Human Sun” Shirt a Viral Hit in Wolf Community
Wolves need shirts too. Like the “Three Wolf Moon” shirt, the Three Human Sun) shirt grants the wearer special abilities.
added by wyndot 07/01/2009
Wolf Fact #2: Wolfs are born to roam
When you wear a wolf shirt you are untrackable by GPS
Wolf Fact #3 Wolf shirts are the Ultimate Christmas Present
Merry Christmas. I am a wolf wreath.
Scott Baiowulf
Wolf Fact # 6: The plural of wolf is "Wolfs"
It is a known fact that Wolfs are 30 times awesomer and more ferocious than ‘wolves’.
Wolf Fact # 7: Wolfs are the stealthest hunters of all animals
When you wear a wolf shirt you become invisible to the human eye.
II. Wolf Myths
It’s important to separate Wolf fact from Wolf myth. Most of the Internet rumors about Wolfs are false and started by Wolf haters. This section is included to set the record straight.
Wolf Myth #2: A Grizzly Bear can beat up a wolf - Uber FALSE
A Grizzly would never even try to fight a wolf because he knows it’s futile.
Wolf Myth #4: Women Love Wolf Shirts - TRUE
Gotcha. This is actually a Wolf Fact.
Better
Medium Awesome: Wolf + Translucent ghost wolf + Space background + Moon Howling.
IV. Wolf Shirt Fashion - How to be an awesome dresser
Wolf Tip # 1 Avoid Long Sleeve Wolf Shirts
Always wear a short sleeve wolf shirt. The unnecessary extra arm fabric with long sleeves lowers your wolf to non-wolf ratio, making your shirt less awesome.
This shirt is acceptable, however, because it comes with a bonus wolf emblem.
Wolf Tip # 3: Accessorize
You can accessorize your Wolf Shirt with Wolf-eagle posters, Zubaz pants, and Dragon Charm necklaces.
However, NOTHING complements a wolf shirt better than a live bald Eagle on your arm. If you don’t have access to an eagle, your pet snake and/or tarantula will make a suitable alternative.
Note, a freaking parakeet is NOT a suitable alternative.
A well manicured WolfStache is also acceptable
Wolf Shirt enthusiast Tom Hollins prefers the no belt look.
Dolphin Shirt
The Wolf of the Sea. Buy this shirt for your girlfriend if you wanna have lots of sex.
Dragon Shirt
Wolf Shirt’s Geekier Cousin.
VI. The History of the Wolf Shirt
This is brief timeline of the Wolf Shirt starting with the day God invented it and finishing in the current times, which are the 2000s. I have also included a sample prototype of what Wolf Shirts will look like in the future.
1823 - The Modern Era of Wolf Shirts Begins
In 1823 the Sioux Indians invent the first modern wolf shirt. It is magnificent!
God retires after stating “my work here on earth is done.”
1941 The American Flag is Introduced to the Wolf Shirt
In 1941 American Legal Scholar, Reed Glyer, combines the two things American love more than anything (besides porn) — Wolf Shirts and American Flags. A new era is born….
Little known wolf fact: Famous Billionaire Oilman, J. Paul Getty actually made the majority of his fortune not from selling gas but from selling American-Flag wolf shirts at his gas station convenient stores.
1987: Wolfamania hits America
Wolf shirts no longer just for smelly, weird kids.
In 1987 Michael J. Wolf stars in Wolfumentary, Teen Wolf, which is awesome. The movie makes wolf shirts cool again and brings in the era of full blown Wolf-a-mania, uniting the nation’s youth around one thing: Wolf Shirts.
The 1990s: Wolf Shirts shit the bed
The Post-Reagan Wolf Shirts sucked poo. The Wolf Shirt briefly reemerged in the early 1990s but missed the mark badly with this awful design.
Wolf shirt purists were outraged and Wolf shirts went underground not to be seen again until 2008 (except on Charlie Sheen; he loves wolf shirts) -——————————————————→
2009: A Wolf Shirt Renaissance?
Nov 2008, a brilliant Law Student writes Amazing review on Amazon.com prompting millions to purchase said Awesome wolf Shirt. Has a new era in wolf shirts begun? Me thinks so…Ouwwwuuuuu Ow Ow Ouuuwwwuuuu
***More Guides that you might like (even though they're not about wolfs)***
25 White House Pets that are more Bad-Ass than Bo the Dog
30 Things Waaaay Scarier than Swine Flu
Worst. Job. Ever!!!
What ever Happened to your favorite 80s TV stars
Awkward Family Photos that will make you say WTF
Who is your favorite Jesus?
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As a lady who’s been a a wolf-shirt wearer for quite some time now, I’m happy to see you’ve made a guide where others have failed. My only regret is that I didn’t see it sooner, but I’m glad I saw it now as I was about to write my guide to wolf shirts. This way I didn’t copyright or anything. Plus there’s no need for me to write a guide. This incorporates all the most important information about wolf shirts. I recently bought my first full price wolf shirt by The Mountain. Previous to that it had been Goodwill every time. I’m not college student anymore, and it’s time to get classy.
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