How to Stay Single In Seattle

Talk about your ex-girlfriend. A lot. Whether or not she exists.

My imaginary ex-girlfriend is an Eastern European model named Katarina.

Make your date pay for dinner. By slipping out of the restaurant while she's in the bathroom.

Don’t patronize me, the old “oh the check is here let me just go to the bathroom so that it will be paid when I get back” is the oldest trick in the book.

Work/life balance? What's that?

I keep a toothbrush in my drawer at the office for those late nights. I also keep a pillow. And a mattress pad. And a tent. And a campstove.

Keep a mannequin in your shower

Did you know that 80% of women check behind the shower curtain before they use the toilet? That’s why it’s such a great place to keep my spare mannequin.

Casually mention that you live with your parents

Why would I move out? Free food and laundry service round the clock! Oh, but we’ll have to keep it down, I’m not allowed to have overnight guests.

Let yourself go

Who are these people who keep talking about showering every day? Don’t they realize there’s a worldwide water shortage? Haircuts and shaving? The more insulation I can grow during the winter, the lower I can turn my thermostat. Really, it’s all about the environment, which is why I choose not to waste any gas driving to the gym.

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