White Trash Christmas Presents
by Andrea D
4 contributors - November 14, 2008
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Struggling to find gifts for your white trash family and friends? You quintessential guide to honky holidays.
American Iconography = White Trash Gold
White trash are incredibly patriotic, regardless of their veteran status. Maybe just grateful for the welfare check? In any case, you can’t go wrong with eagles, flags, or eagle flags. Flag poles with eagles on top. Eagles albums wrapped in flag-themed wrapping paper.
For the trailer with no surface area
If a statue would take up too much room on the Betty Boop coffee table, consider an eagle wall plaque.
Why wolf-themed blankets?
Because most white trash seem to believe that they are at least 1/16 Native American.
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.jpg "Andrea D")
Hooters Online Store
One-stop shoppin’ for all the mens in your family. And probably one or two of your wimmins.
Stocking Stuffer
Because every year, white trash burn down their trailers when their dead Christmas trees are ignited by the strings of still-on Christmas lights. In mid-March, usually. Fire extinguishers save lives.
White trash Christmas
Warning: this cartoon is too classy for most people. Unless you have the social manners befitting royalty, do not watch.
Fine Art Collections
If you can shoot it, then your white trash will love a print or oil painting of it.
For nerdy trash
Maybe your white trash is into fantasy novels. You would be, too, if you worked at Arby’s for the past 23 years and lived in your mom’s basement. What? You didn’t know that trailers have basements? They do.
Taz Jacket
There are only two types of people in the world who wear Looney Toons-brand apparel: white trash, and old bull dykes. Oddly enough, both sport the same hair cut.
Goodbye Earl
If your white trash honky friend is getting beaten by her felon husband, consider a waste-free holiday gift by poisoning him and dumping his body “wrapped” in a cement-lined sleeping bag at the bottom of a lake. Think of it as giving an experience, rather than more Chinese-bought crap from Walmart.
At no point should you purchase Dixie Chicks albums or merchandise for your white trash friends or relatives. Everyone knows that the Dixie Chicks are traitors and should be shot.
Birth Control Pills
It’s a long shot, but maybe you can pretend they are weight-loss pills and hope that someone slips them into Cousin Liz’s Coors Light.
White trash Mona Lisa
The quintessential white trash icon – although no white trash women actually acheive this look, this is what they are aiming for. Fringe jackets, acid wash jeans, and can after can of hairspray all make great Christmas presents for white trash.
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I went to the Monster Trucks in a cocktail dress. We tailgated with champagne. It was AMAZING.
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Who you calling white trash??? Just cuz I own EVERYTHING in this guide, that makes me white trash?!? Whatever! (I kid, I kid ;) )
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This is AWESOME! I own more than three of the items mentioned in this guide.
.jpg "Andrea D")
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