WARNING SIGNS: Who are you dating???

You know you're dating a CHEATER if:

• The REALLY enjoy WATCHING the show Cheaters, they’re only taking notes for their own deception.
• Remember that one time she slipped and called you Jack? Yeah well, don’t be fooled  because you’re name is John. She didn’t decide to give you a nickname mid-orgasm. Don’t flatter yourself.
• She smells like Old Spice.
• He smells like he raided your Bath and Body works basket
• He/she gets really testy about your using her cell phone
• He/she steps outside to “take a call.” Yeah from your dirty little traaaaammpp.
• They work late. A lot.
• You run into him and his really hot, “cousin” sharing an icecream cone.
• He/she won’t change their Myspace or Facebook STATUS to IN A RELATIONSHIP
• You find panties flung in strange areas of your apartment. Panties that definitely do not belong to you…..though he tries to tell you you don’t remember throwing them because you were, “really drunk.”
• There is frequent and URGENT “errand running.”
• He’s terrified of your love for Carrie Underwood’s song “Before He Cheats,” you can never get through the first verse without him switching the station.
• His good friend Cindy, is “going through a really rough time and just needs a friend.”
• You could’ve sworn you that was his picture on Match.com

You know you're dating a BABY LOVER if:

NOTE: The Baby Lover is a woman whose biological clock is ticking, FAST. She is looking for the next willing and able body to impregnate her.

• “Awwwww,” “OOOOOOOO” and exaggerated vowel sounds are a part of her daily vocabulary
• She refers to her stomach as her tummy. 
• She mentions “the kid” before there is one…
• She asks how much you like her Father and do you think his name sounds good with Junior after it.
• She’s willing to change other people’s babies diapers.
• She buys snack sized Ziploc baggies.
• She plays peek-a-boo with strangers babies
• She thinks everything is cuter when it’s small
• She thinks you should trade in your two door for an “mid-sized car”
• She reads everything out loud to you in a baby voice
• The condom “broke.”

You know you're dating a CHEAPSKATE if:

• He tells you to wear your “running shoes” on your date……
• ….he proceeds to tell you after finishing the meal, “we’re gonna dine and dash! I’ll go first, meet me at the car!”
• He steals the bottle of ketchup from the restaurant because, “he’s out.”
• His shoes have holes in the soles and it’s winter.
• He doesn’t understand why Pantene is better than Suave
• Two people= one meal, split two ways.
• His cable went out so he watches his neighbors tv through the window
• He finds reasons not to tip.
• He ate the left over french fries sitting on the dinner table next to you and says, “What?? A kid was eating them, and he barely touched it. Plus, kids aren’t that dirty.”
• His drink of choice- Keystone Light
• He buys you a knock off Target purse for your birthday
• “You want to vacation to Mexico?” He books a vacation to Tijuana.
• You always, always get the bill or he tells you " you can pay for the gas home,"

You know you're dating a WHORE BAG if:

• She doesn’t have many or ANY girlfriends, though she has a GAGGLE of “man friends.” Women…“just don’t like her.” Right.
• She feels that it’s necessary to bust into her best version of a stripper everytime “Apple Bottom Jeans” comes on the radio
• At any given time she’s on the dance floor she can be seen: slapping the floor, dancing against a wall, pointing at a stranger and lipsynching, grinding your best friend.
• She has a tanning package. For three years.
• She must walk with linked arms every she goes (with the few girlfriends she has.)
• She has acrylics. Long ones. and and a French pedicure.
• She mentions, " my last boyfriend really liked…." while in the bedroom
• She wears heels to the pool
• She carries an extra pair of panties and a toothbrush in her purse
• She can be seen resting her hand on the inner thigh of any man sitting within reach
• She calls everyone (even your Mother) sweetie.

You know you're dating a FREAK if:

• They have handcuffs hanging from their rearview mirror
• They hang (very conveniently) scarves and belts in various colors and textures on their bedposts.
• Basic Instinct is one of their top five favorite films
• They’ve propositioned you in public…..
• You’ve heard them say, “Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes….”
• They slip you a tongue in your ear while they whisper something at the dinner table with your family
• They mention threesomes in day to day conversation
• They’re extra turned on after an intense argument
• Your second date was to “The Pleasure Chest”
• They have a particularly large selection of costumes. 
• She’s wanted to see what you’d look like with eyeliner on

You know you're dating a MOMMA'S BOY if:

• He mentions you being “just like her.”
• You see pictures of her as a young woman and you do in fact, look “just like her.” eeeeee…..
• His Mother cuts his hair. He’s 32 and she’s not a hair stylist.
• He takes his Mother shopping, so she can help him pick out sweaters. 
• She starts text messaging and emailing you a week after you’ve started dating
• If his phone is ringing and it isn’t you, its her. 
• He wants you to join a book club with her
• “She really wants to ‘help’ you plan the wedding….”
• He gives you a box of his Mothers recipes, “just in case.”
• He can be seen resting his head on her shoulder when you’re out at lunch together
• He likes it when you tuck him in.

WHAT NOW????

If your lover or “potential lover” falls into any of the categories above you are free to do as you choose. I have been told that if can be much worse and that I believe is true….SO, either stick it out, love them for them and all of their irritating/downright disappointing personality flaws, or RUN FOR THE HILLS.

FAST.