Hot Bodies & Weird Faces in Hollywood
by Nick Cobb - December 16, 2008
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The first set of images, the ones which are conveniently cropped for your viewing pleasure, get the blood stirring and are prime examples of everything that is right about Hollywood. Great breasts, firm stomachs, and long legs. However, scroll past the glistening bodies and you'll notice the brown bag has been removed from these starlets' faces, exposing their gorgonish features and eliminating their bodies from consideration into the hot factor. These women, and their unusual neckward-up appearances, would be excellent candidates for inclusion in the dictionary should Webster ever decide to add "butterface."
Kirsten Dunst
This young lady has been all over the place, but is most notably associated with the popular Spiderman series. After four movies alongside this snaggle-toothed starlet, I would have had to take a file to at least one of her gnarly incisors. The girl has a mouth like a can-opener.
Debra Wilson
This Mad T.V. veteran once revealed her breasts to the world. Blessed with an incredibly fit body and sure to keep you laughing, her dome just doesn’t make the cut.
Fairuza Balk
This woman has been freaking me out with her zombie-like countenance since the Craft and has never let up. She’s the perfect straight-edge or emo girl for any role and, lucky for us, she has her oversized teeth harnessed in this picture — Mr. Ed would be jealous.
Sarah Jessica Parker
If you don’t recognize this gal’s muzzle you’ve probably been without electricity for the last ten years. Her face is such a hazard it causes people behind her to grimace (or maybe that girls just constipated).
Maggie Gyllenhaal
This young woman got her start in acting thanks in large part to her father, Stephen Gylenhaal, who produced the film Waterland. Thank goodness for that fortunate birthright, because her looks weren’t going to get her too many roles. Jowls aren’t attractive and her poor son was the unfortunate recipient of her pursed lips. Don’t tell me you can’t see the resemblance.
Uma Thurman
Okay, I can’t lie. Uma Thurman is hot. There is just something about this woman. Maybe it was that outfit in Kill Bill, or maybe it is because she is 7 foot tall, but I can’t help but like Uma. Her face though, it borders on exotic to downright homely and her eyes sometimes look a wee bit too far apart. All that aside, I got love for you Black Mamba.
Leelee Sobieski
Not sure what it is, but something is just odd about this young lady. And I don’t mean her looking like Helen Hunt either. She looks like she could have grown up in the backwoods somewhere, trapped from ever leaving Podunk by a litter of unplanned children and swollen ankles.
Chloe Sevigny
Oh girl, boy, uh, anyone have a clue? Is this a joke or just irony? I wonder if the photographer made the association between Chloe Sevigny looking like a man and the “Wo” in Women’s Health being cropped just perfectly by her butt-cut head. I don’t think this woman could have paid to have a worse picture made.
Michelle Rodriguez
With one of the hottest bodies in Hollywood and experiencing a peak in her career, Michelle Rodriguez just barely makes this list. Gone are the days when she was forced to take work doing voices in video games like Halo and Driv3r, but still, she’s no Natalie Portman.
Grace Jones
Those of you old enough to remember Conan the Destroyer can recall Grace Jones kicking ass throughout the movie, the only character more imposing than the Governor himself. She was wild, venomous and most definitely in shape. I don’t know how she ever wound up being cast as a Bond girl in A View To A Kill and can imagine Roger Moore washing his mouth out obsessively following certain scenes.
Kathy Griffin
Gifted comedian… and it stops there. I’m sure she’s a great person and all, but that’s not what this post is about. The woman has the head of Frankenstein’s Bride and doesn’t do much to conceal it; her bangs in this picture seem to accentuate its blockiness. Anyone else think she could pass as Carrot Top’s older brother? Twin sister? Or maybe they just consulted the same plastic surgeon. If that’s the case, I smell a malpractice lawsuit.
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Tori Spelling
Another daddy’s girl who inherited her opportunity at fame and cosmetic polishing. This is her repaired nose. Too bad the doctor couldn’t improve upon that expression. She reminds me of Courtney Love off of dope. If Courtney Love were ever off dope rather.
Sandra Bernhard
A picture is worth a thousand words. This woman scares lesbians, and when she does stand-up, you feel like you have to laugh.
Renee Zellweger
I’ve always thought Renee was cute, then I stumbled across the picture on the left. I am colorblind as hell, but I know something isn’t right with the shade of her skin. She looks blotchy as hell and about to spill her guts, a far cry from the made up doll on the right. Paparazzi really caught her slipping.
Cate Blanchett
Speaking of Courtney Love. Here she is on crack. Sorry Aussies, but to be honest, she was almost left off the list because her body’s withered into nothing.
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Hahaha. Great guide! Kathy Griffin? How did she make the list? All the other actresses on the list are arguably ok looking. But Kathy Griffin? I didn’t even know Kathy Griffin had a hot body. I guess her blockish red head distracted me from noticing…
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