Whew. Long title that.

Well, quite simply, these are the dating rules I learned after some 20+ years as a single guy, soon to be married and removed from the market (sorry ladies). I’ve included some of my secret tips for you guys. This may be useful for those of you who haven’t been in the game for a while as well as those who want a few hints on dating. Oh, and if you take these seriously and actually try them, don’t blame me for your stupidity.

1. Call her after one day and say “It’s me.” She better know who you are after your first date.

2. Bring flowers on the first date. Make them red roses and have a card that says
something romantic, like “I can’t believe you’re going out with me.”

3. Make insinuations about where she is in her life – for example, if she’s single, never married, no kids and thirtysomething, assume that she’s got something wrong with her. Make jokes about it. And obsess about it – ask her repeatedly why.

4. Mock something about her clothing, weight, religion or hair.

6. Say something like “I didn’t think I would meet someone so soon after my wife/girlfriend dumped me.” And then continually pine after her on the date.

7. If close to the major holidays, invite her to spend time with your family. You get extra points if you still live with your parents.

8. Ask her out again, preferably within the first 15 minutes.

9. If you have extra tickets to the game, invite her even if you’re not sure if she likes (insert any sporting event
here).

10. Make sure she’s aware that you’re not interested in furthering your career.

11. If she makes more than you and you know it, be sure to mention it doesn’t bother you at all – you’re an equal opportunity kinda guy. Then don’t help pay.

For anything.

13. Ask her, “Do you have babies? When would you like to have some?”

14. Ask her, “How many times a year should a couple have sex?”
Respond, “I think once a day is perfect.” Unless she says more.

15. Play any of the following bands loudly in your car while driving from her house to the location of the date: Slayer, the Backstreet Boys, the Geto Boys, or Lawrence Welk.

16. Play any of the following bands in your car while driving from the date to her house, loudly, while speaking in what you think is your sexiest voice: Al Green, Barry White, Enigma, anything by Prince.

17. Show her how much alcohol you can consume in one sitting.

18. Make her jealous by having other women’s numbers in your pocket and setting them on the table so she can see them.

19. Wear your Star Trek uniform.

20. Chew with your mouth open.

21. Tell her everything about yourself – the next date is for her to talk.

22. See if she’s interested in conjugal visits with you in county.

23. Have lots of money. If you do, you can do all of the above and still win her heart.

(And ladies, if you have any experiences like the above and he DID win your heart, I’m interested in your story)

Much thanks to Gail for inspiring this guide. Keep on rockin in the free world!