Things My Boyfriend Has Actually Said

"Oh, you're getting mail here. I guess that means it's official and there's, like, what - a 6 year countdown until Common Law kicks in?"

He was not joking. This is just what was going through his mind.

My first week at our shared apartment; he was apparently surprised that us moving in together would also mean that the government would know we were shacking up . . .

The worst part of this one was that I don’t think he understood what I meant when I answered, “Um, I hope you’re not counting on that?”

"Did you know that lions have barbed penises?"

This piece of useful information was told to me the morning after the first night we spent together. I can’t decide whether this was a non-sequitur . . . or not (?)

"Holy crap, it smells like poo in here. Baby, did you blow it up or what!?"

This was said upon re-entering our small apartment with his friend, Dave.

Um, what exactly is the right answer here?

I think I blushed, shot him daggers, then retreated into the bedroom. Which is, I suppose, a yes.

Me: "OK, we'll roshambo for it. Two out of three?" Him: "How 'bout one out of two?"

Admittedly, we had been drinking . . . heavily. At Zeitgeist. For quite some time.

But still, this is a doozie!!  And one that I bring up, often.

To our waitress: "Huh. The soup today is Lamb Chowder? Huh. I really felt like soup but I just don't like lamb."

The waitress and I just stared at him.

Finally, I was like: “Babe, clam chowder. She said the soup is clam chowder.”

Awesome.

Where Did You Think You'd Be?

Me: “Blah. I woke up last night and couldn’t sleep for about 30 minutes.”
Him: “Was I there?”
Me: long pause “Yeah… Did you go somewhere in the middle of the night that I should know about?”

"Wow, you sure ate that fast"

No girl wants to hear that. EVER. Needless to say, he got some SERIOUS schooling after that remark. 

"The girl I date HAS to have big boobs."

Reason number 34 why I’m thrilled to be OUT of the dating world.

"Don't be silly, you can hold it."

She peed her pants in my car.

Said as a Boyfriend...

“I’ve already slept with you like a thousand times — I’m not sure that impressing you is necessary anymore.”

"Baby you know if you want my attention, all you have to do is take your shirt off."

Seriously. He said this so matter of factly, as if I SHOULD have known this all along. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last long.

"Singing in karakoke, next song is for u...Bed of roses. :)"

Well, he isn’t technically my boyfriend and I actually felt honored that he chose a Bon Jovi classic for me and texted at 2am to tell me this. 

"You're like my Mom in that way . . . "

Ooooph. Gag. What?  I think I got punched in the stomach, threw up in my mouth, and misheard you all at the same time.

Nothing against his Mom – she’s beautiful and a very smart lady. But no one likes being compared to the woman who bore her man into the world. It’s just . . . icky.

"I like your small boobs. You're athletic."

True. And sweet.

But still. Omission of the word ‘small’ would have been prudent.

"I need to pee on you."

To stake his territory, you know. 

"Other people make mac & cheese better."

Upon clarification, what he meant was, “other people always make mac & cheese better than I can.” i.e., whenever you go to someone else’s house, they make it better. I’m not sure I agree with that…I think I always make it better. :)

"You'd be perfect if you were better at cleaning"

No comment.

Toilet Seat Imprint Butt

“It was funny, yesterday when you came out to the pool from the bathroom you had the toilet seat imprint on your butt.”

What every woman wants to hear when she prances out of the bathroom and passes about 100 people to get to her lounge chair…

"Ya, You've Gained Some Weight"

Me (grumbling in the mirror): grosss, I’m getting a little muffin top. BF: Ya, you’ve gained some weight. I’ve noticed. Me: What?!BF: Ya, you know when you can’t button your pants and then your tummy kind of hangs over the top when you do? I don’t like that.Me: WHAT?!Bf: Just saying. I still love you….
NOT OK! Needless to say our doomed relationship ended shortly there after. 

"So you know I've been married before? Don't worry, it wasn't a real marriage anyway. I just wanted free rent."

True story.

"Make sure you look good"

Said to me before I started getting ready to go attend his grandmother’s funeral. UMMM. A. I always look good. and B. Are you really saying this to me right now? Needless to say, the relationship ended right after the funeral (but unfortunately lasted 3 years prior to).

Cancer on the Outside

So I have to post this for my wife because I promised I would. This morning in the car we were talking about past family medical histories. I was talking about my two aunts who have had cancer and said that it wasn’t really bad cancer because…………………. they had it on the inside. 
To which she responded, “As opposed to?” 
Yeah, I know, my brilliance amazes me everyday.

On Two Faced Women

G: Why are girls such bitches?

B: Girls are like werewolves, once in a full moon they just need to rip someone apart.

With so many people wanting to share experiences like these, I made a website where you can post your sassiest/ most sarcastic moments at

justgotserved.org