New Dad Disappointed To Find Diaper Cake Not Actually Made Of Cake... & Other Tales From The Office

HealthWatch: Gentlemen Discuss Fitness Techniques In Breakroom

In what seemed to be a frame stolen from a GQ Magazine photo shoot, office health fanatics, Sean Zavada and Oscar Vallejo spent 15 minutes discussing proper pull-up technique in the front kitchen last week. Zavada described his usual callisthenic regimen in great detail, even demonstrating a few movements on an imaginary “air-bar.” Vallejo patiently listened, interjecting the occasional tip between sips of Northwest Blackberry tea.

Says onlooker, Christy Holmes, “I heard [the gentlemen] talking about pull-ups when I started my 700-page copy job, and when I returned to pick it up, they were still talking about it.”

Other witnesses, who shall remain nameless, admit that Zavada and Vallejo seemed to be speaking at an unusually high volume.

Intern Finds Missing Code Book; Experiences 15-Minutes Of Fame

CEO Calls Tech Support To Aid Broken High Heel

Resident IT worker, Sherry Taylor received an emergency call last week from company powerhouse, Arlene Humphrey. Taylor, who is accustomed to being faced with time-sensitive challenges, instinctively rushed to the scene to find Humphrey cradling a severed Christian Louboutin high heel. Although Taylor does not usually handle wardrobe malfunctions, she was “happy to help [Humphrey] fix her [luxury footwear].”

Says Humphrey, “I usually buzz Sherry whenever I have a problem opening my emails, or when I lose my Blackberry charger. She doesn’t have a computer engineering degree from MIT for nothing.”

Taylor credits her success in the high heel situation to a knack for problem-solving, and possession of Krazy Glue.

Secretary Overwhelmed By Competition For Free Pencil Case

“I can certainly understand how Solomon felt,” said secretary, Pat McKinley, after receiving 41 replies to her “free pencil case” email. “I predicted it would be a hot item, but I never expected such enthusiasm.”

The pencil case, which arrived free with a large order of office supplies, is made of red canvas, and has the “Office Max” logo on it.

When asked what she plans to do with the object of desire, McKinley refused to provide a definitive answer, though she claims she looks forward to “getting this whole thing overwith,” adding that, “hopefully this will all blow over when the Terminex guys bring the free mugs next month.”

IT Frontman Deletes Monday From All Impending Calendar Weeks

Co-Worker Discovers "Camel Hair" Sweater Actually From Dromedery

In an effort to be economical during a wage-freeze, software analyst, Tim Butler ordered a fabled “camel hair” sweater from an independent website called Mongolian Camels ‘R’ Us, an alleged Craiglist-like resource based in Ulan Bator. After wearing and laundering the garment several times, secretary, Pam Gutierrez noticed a tag indicating its dromederian descent.
“I knew I should have ordered [the sweater] from Brooks Brothers,” says Butler. Evidently, his trademarked willingness to think outside of the box and try new things is only outweighed by his distaste for mammals with an insufficient number of humps.

Magnolia Oolong Tea Tastes Like Band-Aids

All rumors and testimonies confirm the notion that Magnolia Oolong tea, a lightly-caffeinated organic floral beverage, tastes like Band-Aids. According to office manager, Deirdre James, “I always used to wonder why there were so many boxes of that Magnolia tea left over when I made my orders. And then I tasted it.”

When asked to comment, the media relations representative from Choice Organic Tea politely declined, and also offered to send free samples of their “more popular flavors that are less reminiscent of plastic and Neosporin.”

Don't Fight: Make Your Own Pencil Case

Click here to make your own duct tape pencil case. This way, Pat won’t have to endure any more sleepless nights.