Best and Most Obnoxious Jobs to Have in the Bay Area

Obnoxious job #1: CEO of Google

For those of you who don’t know them on sight, above are Sergey Brin and Larry Page, co-founders and CEOs of Google Inc. – you mighta heard of it.

Sergey and Larry took an initial $100,000 dollar check and turned it into search-engine gold (and LOTS of it).

Initially working out of a backyard in Menlo Park in 1998, they got real offices in 1999 and have been on Easy Street ever since.

Which makes me jealous, ur, I mean skeptical. I for one don’t care if they set their salaries at $1 in 2005. What kind of game is this?? It’s almost more obnoxious to be able to live off $1 . . . which I’m guessing is easier to do, uh, I dunno, when YOU’RE WORTH OVER 7 BILLION OF THEM.

So, thanks, Google guys, for topping my Most Obnoxious List. And spawning at least three of the following jobs that made the cut.

Obnoxious Job #2: Any Corporate Job at Google

Behold, the Googleplex. The Mountain View behemoth of Google-ness.

People who work here get the following, which are all uber-obnoxious:
1. a recreation center
2. lava lamps
3. a free bus that takes them from their homes in San Francisco (an hour away) to the Googleplex. Google bus is gigantic and is equipped with internet access and breakfast
4. foosball (SO unfair)
5. gourmet cafeteria. We are talking GOURMET here people. Sushi, Thai, vegetarian, whatever the hard-working Googlers want.

To make things even more ridiculous and a lot more real for SF residents: instead of having to live in or near Mountain View, Google employees get paid enough to rent weekend “crash pads” in SF. So we get to see them all the time. And hear about their parties. And eat our hearts out. So fun.

Obnoxious Job #3: Any Corporate Job at Clif Bar

Clif Bar’s corporate headquarters are in Berkeley, CA. Clif Bar is so obnoxious because, well, it’s just got such a good heart. Their environmental commitment seems to be strong and make up the very fabric of the company culture. Practices range from environmentally friendly packaging, to bio-diesel company vehicles, to diverting 70% of their waste from landfills.

Benefits for Clif Bar employees are similar to those at Google, just on a smaller, hippie-er scale:

They get cash rewards for carpooling to work or using public transportation.

They get paid up to 5 hrs. a week for volunteering. That’s 5 hrs. of getting paid to feel good about themselves!

They get 1 hr. a day with a personal trainer/yoga teacher or at the gym facilities. Did I mention that this was PAID time? An hour EVERY DAY. WTF

This is paid time, mind you!

Obnoxious Job #4: Designer at a Fun Graphic Design Firm

What is it with graphic designers in San Francisco? They get amazing projects (designing for BART, ebay, Mezzanine, and Dave Egger’s new project) and get to take two hour “creative breaks” to play Rockband!

Find the talented minds of Hot Studio over at Kate O’brien’s starting at 3pm on Fridays.

Find the founder of Noise 13 treating her team so well (dinners, wine, mentoring), that they wouldn’t dream of going elsewhere, probably not even for the aforementioned Google.

Makes me wish I had thought seriously about the Academy of Art. Who woulda thought?

Obnoxious Guide #5: High Tech Start Up

Honestly, if I have to listen to one more earnest coffee brainstorming session between two 22 yr. old dudes in collared striped shirts, I might just lose it. Everyone in this town thinks that they are on to the next big thing concerning the internets.

OMG, after a year, you are not going to sell your start up for 2 mil., so might as well not put the downpayment on that apartment where you were planning on eating, breathing, sleeping, and playing ping-pong with 5 other naive dudes (the start-up culture dictates that the best solution for a fledgling projects is that everyone live and work in the same cheap apartment).

What if you do manage to sell it? Well then, um, I can write your content . . .

Obnoxious Job #6: Cashier at Whole Foods

Because Whole Foods has made it possible for the 20 something taking 8 years to get through Community College to eat organic blueberries.

Used to be this kind of individual would have to work at the dirty liquor store around the corner, but now they stand on special rubber mats (wouldn’t want your feetsies to get sore), well-fed and indifferent to me spending my last four dollars on flaxseed bread.