30 Things WAAAAAAY Scarier than Swine Flu

#30 Using public port-o-potties

I usually just bring my own.

#27 Eye contact with squirrels

Stop looking at me, swan!

#25: All the hair has falls out of my head and regrows on my back

#22: Joe Biden Cancels Cinco de Mayo due to Swine Flu

Damn you swine flu! DAMN YOU straight to hell!!!

#20: The Dutch

#18: Pooping in public places

Way worse than swine flu.

#17: Minorities

Yikes!!!!

#15 Gay Mexican Swine Flu Minorities

Triple Yikes!!!

#13 Accidentally booking with the Samali Pirate Deep Sea Fishing Tour Co.

“These are the worst tour guides ever!”

#11: Looking eirily similar to Ben Savage

Wait a second…ARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!! DAMN YOU Ben Savage and your dashing good looks!

#9: Meat Loaf cover bands

There is only one Loaf (and let me tell you it’s not this guy with the fur covered cod-piece)

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#8: Zebra Sweaters come back into fashion

Look, I have a zebra arm!!! I was drunk when I bought this!

#6: Suzanne Somer's Face

Argghhh!!!!

#4: Religion

Giddy-up!!

#2: Werewolf Flu Pandemic

This guy’s already caught it!

#28 They Start Charging to use Facebook

Like OMG, OMG OMG!!!!!

#29 Extremely Long Fingers

ARGGGHH!!!!

It’s like Arsenio Hall and ET had a love child.

#26 Families that think these types of portraits are a good idea

Hi, we’re white!!

#24: Obama dies in office; Joe Biden takes over

“Don’t take the Subway!!!!”

#23: Pigeons learn how to read

We’d all be screwed!!

#21: Impending feeling of doom I get when I realize...

my online degree has not adequately prepared me for the current job market.

#19: Gingers

She’s probably also Dutch

#16: Gay Marriage

Double Yikes!!!

#14: Extreme Home Fitness

Has anyone ever tried P90X? I only lasted two sessions and still have nightmares about “Superman banana crunches” to this day.

#12 Green Peace replaces easily ignorable street corner kids w/ Billy Mays

That guy can sell ANYTHING!!!

I can ignore those idiot kids on the corner. I don’t think I could ignore Billy Mays.

#10: People not understanding my halloween costume

“I’m spigerman. What do you mean you don’t you get it?”

#7: Windy Days in Pennsyvania's Dutch County

Argghh!! Dear God!!

#5: Extravaganzas

If you’re attending anything labeled an “Extravaganza” you can pretty much count me out. They tend to scare the crap out of me.

See for example, Randi’s Fitness Extravaganza 2004

#3: Kentucky GRILLED Chicken

WTF??? Why is there an Australian guy in my television trying to sell me Kentucky Grilled Chicken? There is something very, very wrong here.

#1: Jeb Bush, our 45th President

Susan Boyle Epidemic

Everyone’s getting hypnotized by this crazy Brit with too much vibrato and a unibrow. What the H?!

The Black Plague

Still waaaaay worse (and significantly messier) than Swine Flu.