Swine Flu's Not Funny But...

I might not be brave enough to crack a dysentery joke at a party, but thankfully, Oregon Trail has done all the work for us!

Now you don't have to worry about having feathered friends!

So you can finally fulfill your dream of living in that Parrot Whisperer’s footsteps and developing a strangely close relationship with the finicky little green guys at Telegraph Hill.

"Alcoholism is the only disease you can get mad at someone for..."

In the words of the great Mitch Hedberg, “Alcoholism is the only disease you can get mad at someone for. You can say, ‘Dammit, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!’ But you can’t say, ‘Dammit, Otto…You have lupus!’”

No matter how good I tell them the sourdough chicken club is, I still have friends who refuse to eat there. Who would have thought people could hate e coli so much!?

My friend had a band called "Polio Cupcake"

Even though we all tried to talk him out of it, my friend Mike had a short-lived, but well-received band called “Polio Cupcake,” in Chicago in 2006. Despite the controversial name, the band developed a cult following in Elmwood Park, Illinois.

Sadly, as Mike puts it, “Much like the Roman Empire, Polio Cupcake collapsed under the weight of its own greatness.”

Even Germans Were Scared

I was living in Germany when the Bird Flu struck. There was a little restaurant next to my school called the “Hunchen” (The Little Hen), which suffered immensely. To counteract rampant fears, the Hunchen had some poor German teenager dress in a chicken costume and run around 8 hours a day trying to recruit diners. I personally never went in.

Even looking at this still of Squirtle gives me a little headache, though.

Plague Nursery Rhymes

Even little kids hold hands and twirl exuberantly when singing about the Great Plague of 1665.

Who needs an insulting face mask, when you can just buy this additional hand to protect against airborne disease?