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SPONSORED LISTINGS
Superheroes I Feel Sorry for
- by twocantango
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- July 20, 2009
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If only superheroes were like teenage girls, and I could bake them cookies to make them feel better...
Galactus
Super Power: Eating
Hold on…eating worlds.
Instead of BAM, POW, BIFF, KA-POW, you’ll see munch, munch, munch.
Seriously, how is this helping our frown-on-obesity world? It’s ok though, maybe Galactus can just eat it, and we won’t have to worry anymore. But his plan will be foiled yet again by the Fantastic Four (and others)!
I didn’t realize how sorry I felt for him until I played Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. He can do super sweet things like converting matter into energy, but I will never let down that Galactus has a weakness…binge eating.
Offspring
Dumb name.
Both Offspring and Mister Fantastic have a place in my heart. Being stretchy is not appealing. I’m sure Susan Storm does not find it as a turn-on. Maybe I’m wrong.
Who wants to be the guy who can slide under the doorway to open the door from the inside?
Or the one who can throw a boulder in a evil villain’s face?
Elastic Girl also suffered this problem.
Captain Planet
No matter how much I enjoyed Captain Planet, super-breath is cheesy.
And a safe and ethical way to get rid of pollution. SO?!!
Another flaw lies within his dialogue. How many friendly-fighting puns did he use?
Let’s find some…
“I’ve always thought of you as royalty. That’s why I’m giving you the lead carpet!”
“There’s the heater and you lose.” Baseball throws and the sun’s heat…ha.
“Some days you’re the spider, some days you’re the fly. And it’s a fly day for me.”
The Thing
Being called The Thing is punishment enough.
Having a body made of rocks is just cruel. And unsightly for the woman in his life.
It makes you want to cry. Almost.
Cosmic Radiation can also make you look like this.
I could kick her in the shin right now. As soon as she drops those swords, it’s go time.
Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat)
Fear me! I can walk through walls!
As much as I like female superheroes, many times they receive lame powers.
Also, she’s the youngest of the X-men. Thinking getting Wolverine, Kitty? I don’t think so! Instead, you get a mentor. Lucky you. She is intelligent….just like Jean, Storm, etc. She didn’t even get Colossus.
On a lighter note, she has a pet alien, dragon thing, Lockheed.
Green Goblin
Super Power: Insanity
Yes! Wait, no.
Everyone wants to be able to say “Yeah, my dad is an extremely wealthy and intelligent scientist who owns his own chemical manufacturing industry” not all of that and “He’s just insane and a Spiderman hater.”
That’s a great conversation starter.
Why wouldn’t you feel bad for him? He had everything. Of course, he has to hate the superhero who happens to be his son’s best friend.
He’s just a creeper. And creepers are sad.
“Watch out for my exploding pumpkin and lady shopping bag.”
Nick Fury
He can beat me at arm-wrestling any day. Actually, he can just kill me off by doing some special Jiu Jitsu move on me.
BUT…slow aging is NOT cool. Additionally, he uses a potion to get it. Another strike on your record Mr. Fury.
That I will keep to myself so I don’t suffer a slow and painful death.
Smoking causes cancer.
<<From Captain Planet
Cyclops
Super Power: Laser beam eyes
wooo. Yes, I wish I had this power.
No, I don’t want a head injury so that I have to wear freaking one-eyed glasses. Jean Grey probably wanted to take those off, but too bad she would get shot in the face with ruby looking heat force.
Sigh. Sad day.
Penguin
Super Power: …..
You can’t defend yourself with a deadly umbrella. Batman shouldn’t even consider him a real match as a villain.
He’s just angry about his childhood and obesity.
Penguin doesn’t strike me as a ‘fear me’ kind of dude. I’m sorry, but you’ve been denied the title archenemy.
Poison Ivy
Admittedly, she is a genius too. See?! They are everywhere.
Of course, I find intelligence a nice ability, but then she has to go be an evil temptress by using plant pheromones.
I’m not a feminist, but that is ridiculous. Where is Hawkgirl when you need her? Give her to me Justice League! She’s worse than Captain Planet because at least he wants to save the Earth. Poison Ivy prefers floral toxins.
Even though she wanted to be good by becoming a normal human, eventually she became the same flower-growing, poison-loving sultry self.
When she gets old, she’s going to be the next Plant Lady.
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Yes! Great guide! I gotta say… I never felt sorry for them before now. They do a lot of work to help keep this world safe! sheesh. ;o)
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