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Douchebag Sunburns
- by elguapo
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- June 06, 2009
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- 3 discussions
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- 11 comments
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Douchebags and sunburns. They go together like tank tops and mullets.
The Cancun Tan
The Cancun tan typically occurs on college spring break after ingesting too much ecstasy and passing out on the beach.
Note that the hand print tan is actually only the second douchiest thing in this picture after the boxers under the board shorts look that this fine young gentleman is so proudly displaying.
The Mug Shot Tan
Requires the Tanee to wear backwards baseball cap/and or a bandanna for extensive periods of time without said use of sunscreen.
Also requires getting arrested (typically for some type of public urination or drunk in public violation)
This tan is native to Alabama, western parts of Florida, and has been known to migrate as far north as Alberta, Canada.
The Bacon Tan
A tan with tan lines structured in such a way that it resembles the white marbling of bacon.
The Farmer's Tan
Like a Brooks Brothers suit, this classic look will never go out of style.
The First Speedo of the Summer Tan
WTF??? Really, dude?
Don't Turn Out Like Leather Face Over Here ------> Use Suncscreen and dont forget to reapply
El guapo is Jewish. And guess what? We Jews loooooooove the sunscreen. Seriously, we love it almost as much as we love Chinese food.
Jesus people — not as big on the sunscreen.
Jew Sunscreen
Pasty white skin? Check.
27 years of Jewish mother naggin? Check
It’s pretty much been ingrained in my head that I shouldn’t go outside unless I have on a minimum SPF 80.
The Stripper Tan
Found exclusively at
Admiral Theatre Gentlemen’s Club
3940 W Lawrence Ave, Chicago, IL 60625
Boobies!! Hooray!!
Il Italiano Tan-o
These funny little shorts are what they wear in Europe in lieu of bathing suits.
What’s even more gross than this dude’s tan is the fact that he is lying naked on a hotel bedspread. I’m pretty sure they wash those things about once a decade. Did his mother not teach him anything?
Where to find the Italiano Tan-o: Fortunately, you have to go overseas to find this tan.
The Delaware
Delaware’s official shirt, Found exclusively at Dewey Beach.
The Constitutional Tan
Hazing for new justices at the Supreme Court.
More Summer Guides
Time to fire up the grill….
Alternative Meat Products by Elissa P
Skp work and do this instead. Things that are cooler than work by Coffee Slut
Where You'll Find the Cancun Tan...
Castaways
1603 N Lake Shore Dr, Chicago, IL 60614
Do you like high fives and acid washed jeans? If so, Castaways is the bar for you. It’s a giant f*cking boat-like structure right on the sand at North Ave. Beach
The crowd is full of douchebags who like to wear tank tops unironically.
Nevertheless, it’s hard NOT to have a good time at this place.
Don’t forget to bring your beer bong and your frat guy haircut!!!
Do you like high fives and acid washed jeans? If so, Castaways is the bar for you. It’s a giant f*cking boat-like structure right on the sand at North Ave. Beach
The crowd is full of douchebags who like to wear tank tops unironically.
Nevertheless, it’s hard NOT to have a good time at this place.
Don’t forget to bring your beer bong and your frat guy haircut!!!
Mexican sunscreen
No El Guapito jokes please.
Where You'll Find the Mug Shot Tan...
Wrigley Field
1060 W Addison St Ste 1, Chicago, IL 60613
Do you wear a cubs hat backwards? Are you a supreme douche? Well then, you’re in luck. Chances are you’re the type of person who goes to Cubs games, sits in the bleachers and yells out “sunscreen is for pussies” as you slug down 16 oz Old Styles in the sun for five hours.
Have fun with that hat tan in your mug shot pic after you get arrested for peeing in the Wrigley parking lot.
Do you wear a cubs hat backwards? Are you a supreme douche? Well then, you’re in luck. Chances are you’re the type of person who goes to Cubs games, sits in the bleachers and yells out “sunscreen is for pussies” as you slug down 16 oz Old Styles in the sun for five hours.
Have fun with that hat tan in your mug shot pic after you get arrested for peeing in the Wrigley parking lot.
Where you'll find the bacon tan...or at least just delicious bacon
Walker Bros Original Pancake House
153 Green Bay Rd, Wilmette, IL 60091
Walker Brothers – The best bacon in Chicago according to fat people everywhere.
Walkers Bros is only in the suburbs but sometimes you have to travel a little distance if you want perfection. Yummy Yummy bacon. I HEART You.
Walker Brothers – The best bacon in Chicago according to fat people everywhere.
Walkers Bros is only in the suburbs but sometimes you have to travel a little distance if you want perfection. Yummy Yummy bacon. I HEART You.
Where to get your Farmer's Tan...at the Farmer's market of course!!! Duh.
Green City Markets
2732 N Clark St Ste 3, Chicago, IL 60614
Are you white? Do you consider volunteering and arugula as hobbies?
If so, the Green City Market is where you should go to get your tan on.
Located at the South end of Lincoln Park, you can get all your organic, fair trade, shade grown, locally harvested, non-gmo fruits and veggies here.
Discounted parking is available for $9.00 for the first two hours. Alternatively, save the planet and celebrate your whiteness by riding your fixed gear bike to the market. Hooray!!
Are you white? Do you consider volunteering and arugula as hobbies?
If so, the Green City Market is where you should go to get your tan on.
Located at the South end of Lincoln Park, you can get all your organic, fair trade, shade grown, locally harvested, non-gmo fruits and veggies here.
Discounted parking is available for $9.00 for the first two hours. Alternatively, save the planet and celebrate your whiteness by riding your fixed gear bike to the market. Hooray!!
Need to Cover Up that Speedo Tanline before summer starts?
do a little fake and bake at Chicago’s finest cancer ovens!
Lincoln Park
2045 Lincoln Park W, Chicago, IL 60610
Good place to pull up a towel and just hang out for a few hours soaking in the rays.
Good place to pull up a towel and just hang out for a few hours soaking in the rays.
Beef Jerky in a Two Piece
Hey Lady, only my tongue can adequately express how grossed out I am by your beef jerky-esque physique.
Jesus sunscreen (SPF 15)
Jesus people don’t care about sunscreen as much as the Jews.
This guy in the picture only wears an SPF 15 crucifix.
Of course for Jesus people who need more protection than the SPF 15 crucifix (perhaps you’re a Jews for Jesus) there is also Jesus Sunscreen SPF 70
The "I Suck" Tan
The Tan equivalent of passing out and having your friends draw a penis on your forehead.
Wanna see something that doesn’t suck? Check out this guide.
Where to find the Delaware...
Navy Pier Chicago
Chicago, IL 60607
Unless Joe Biden is washing his car in your driveway, you might have trouble spotting a true Delaware tan in Chicago. Your best bet is going to Navy Pier, where 80% of Chicago’s tank tops reside.
Unless Joe Biden is washing his car in your driveway, you might have trouble spotting a true Delaware tan in Chicago. Your best bet is going to Navy Pier, where 80% of Chicago’s tank tops reside.
The Lobster
Why is this guy smiling? Because he’s a douche!
Where you'll Spot the Constitutional Tan
Constitutional Rights Foundation-Chicago
407 S Dearborn St, Chicago, IL 60605
You have the right to be a douche. Put on some sunscreen, buddy. Cancer is no bueno.
You have the right to be a douche. Put on some sunscreen, buddy. Cancer is no bueno.
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.jpg "ethwiny")
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Ouch! Thanks for reminding how smart I was to stay out of the sun yesterday!!!
.jpg "Chelsea")
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The moral of the story is; WEAR SUNSCREEN.
.jpg "aliciak")
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Seems like I’m always reading the vomit-inducing and/or stomach-clenching Guidespot guides when I’m eating—what gives?!
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