Dammit! Leave Your Poor Pets Alone Already

Putting Wigs on a Cat

“Pink Passion” Kitty Wig™

Here’s the actual product description

“Pink is the color of fantasy. Our model, Chicken, looks like her mind is elsewhere when she wears this wig — somewhere in a land of cotton candy and pinwheels where the air smells like sugar kisses.”

I wonder if it comes with a cute little pink neck brace or a staple gun to reduce mobility and prevent your feline friends from shaking them off.

Dressing up Birds

Really, why would you do this? I can just see some creepy weirdo, drunk on Peppermint Schnapps, and breaking a wing while trying to shove it through this Wavy Gravy ensemble.

The site claims “Costumes, such as Hippy Bird, have gone over big with customers.”

Yeah, but how do the birds like it?

Dresses

Stop putting dresses on your dogs. If I’m the only one that’s creeped out by this, something is wrong. This dog has the same look on its mug as Joan Crawford’s daughter did in Mommy Dearest.

This may be a pup and it may be your pet, but that doesn’t mean that it’s your puppet. This puppy’s face has the shame of bad touching all over it.

FAKE EARS?!

Cat’s ears are incredibly sensitive, so you probably should not be touching them, maybe that’s the counter productive logic behind someone putting fake cat ears over their cat’s real ears. Maybe they are just incredibly stupid and horrible people.

When you do this to your pet, it turns them into the equivalent of girls at the club. They might look cute at a glance but they are really dead inside.

What, you thought rolling footwear was only for the birds? These guys throw it all in one pot.

Even with it’s eyes covered in those horrific dollar store sunglasses, you can see that this dog has basically given up trying to hold on to the last remnants of its soul which are still alive.

Pawlishing Nails

Yep this dog is wearing a product called “Pawlish”. This means that somebody held this dog’s paws and painted it’s nails while it tried to get away and then had to restrain it so that they had time to dry.

I’d like to see somebody unsuccessfully try this one on a Pitt Bull or a Rottweiler.

The Pet Shop Boys are not amused

Bird Skates

What bothers me the most about this product from “Chirp N Squawk” is this Q&A style introduction to the product description:

Q: “Can training parrots to do bird tricks make my parrot a better pet?”

A: “Parrot training for bird tricks makes a much better pet.”

How about asking, “Will forcing my bird to wear skates make be a terrible person?”

Choking dogs with a crocheted sling is a somewhat kinky and fun way to travel for the dirty half-naked tramp on the go.

Slouch boots?
Check

Sweater dress?
Check

Well I guess that’s everything. Don’t expose this poor animal to your filthy nether regions.

Meowlingual Cat Translator

There is nothing “wrong” per se about using a cat translator. It isn’t confining to the animal, except of course when they are chased around with it so that you can record them. This guide isn’t about particular products, however, it’s about the pet owners themselves and my fear comes from the misuse that could come from a device like this.

“I don’t know what happened! The Meowlingual kept telling me that Fluffy was hungry, so I kept feeding her, and feeding her and…..”

Nothing says America like the blatant disregard for the safety of those weaker than us who don’t have the voices to speak up against it.

Dog's Need to Walk

Have you caught youself thinking, “I don’t mind taking my dog for a walk but I’m afraid it might get excercise, what should I do?”

Well then, here’s the answer for you. Put your best pal in one of these Bernal Dog Strollers and kill two birds with one stone (figure of speech, we all know that birds die of neglect or exhaustion from over training)

This stroller makes it easy to pretend, or at least “easier” to pretend, that a man would ever love you and would be willing to grow his seed in your belly. Why not put the top down and pretend that you are on your way to daycare or a Pediatricians office to check out that unsettling cough of theirs. I hope it isn’t croup.

The second problem that it solves is that it keeps your little pal weak. He’s jus’ a wittle baby! We don’t need him building up too much strength and getting away now. “Ooooh, he loves me so much!”