Stuff SUBURBANITES Like......

Contemporary Christian Churches

It makes you a little “cooler” than you actually are. There’s generally some sort of Christian band that does covers of Pop Songs and changes lyrics just slightly to make them about God, etc. There’s lighting, man-rock clothing, and screaming- it’s Church disguised as a rock concert.

Drinking in the Garage

It’s similar to “the man cave” except it isn’t always exclusively for men. There’s usually a poster of a sports team, a dart board, a makeshift beer pong table- for those twenty/early thirtysomethings, and a freezer.

Built-in Babysitters

This is called, CAREFUL PLANNING when deciding when to have your second, third, child. My parents conveniently waited TEN years to have my little sister- by the time she came around, I was babysitting age! More play time for Mommy and Daddy!

Cheerleaders/Poms

THE RIBBONS, The screaming, the ridiculous face paint- it’s all a tad irritating, and by a tad I mean VERY. But it’s every suburban families pride and joy- they won state! Those words are like GOLD.

Ribbon Magnets for their cars

There’s a darn ribbon for EVERYTHING…..

College Football

Whethere it’s their alma matter or not…..suburbanites love this shiz.

Costco

Sicne we need enough baked beans to last us through 2012.

Prenatal Yoga

….yoga- yet another thing that makes Suburbanites feel “hip.” They can hob nob, compare stretch marks and talk future pre-schools and school districts with other Mommies.

Pubs in Strip Malls

Conveniently located only blocks from your subdivision to lessen the chances of getting a DUI.

Purse Parties

There’s a variation of parties that a Suburbanie could host; sex toy parties (this is the one everyone secretly wants to host, but they’re too afraid of what their neighbors will think- or their friends for that matter) tupperware parties, mary-kay parties, and candle parties. BUT, the PURSE PARTY is the ULTIMATE Suburbanite get together.

Women can buy cheapy fake purses that look semi-real and fake their status, fooling others in their ‘burbs that they’re better off than they are. It’s perfect.

Bragging about their children's college

“So, where are YOUR kids going to college??” this conversation is like a constant HUM throgh suburban neighborhoods, and it’s not because there’s genuine interest, it’s simply to compare and contrast. If you DIDN’T go, you’re a black sheep- with no future.

Chili's!

BIG NIGHT OUT!!! We’re going to CHILI’S!!! Chain restaurants invest all of Suburbia but it’s really Chili’s that’s every Suburbanites foodie fantasy. Skillet queso and molton chocolate cake? Hell yea.

Renting Jumpy Castles

This usually turns into a block party sort of thing because once the kid five houses down sees the jump castle, he’ll wonder why he wasn’t invited. So expect and open house if you rent a jumpy castle.

Building Additions Onto their House

Suburbanites love renovating and adding additions onto their house. They’re always working on some home improvement project!

Exercise TV

“I tried aerobic bellydancing today!”

Olive Garden

THIS SO DEEPLY HURTS MY LITTLE ITALIAN WOMAN SOUL, But, it’s true- Suburbanites really dig that unlimited salad and breadsticks combo.

Getting photos taken with their dogs

I understand that being an obsessed dog owner isn’t just for suburbanites- however, how often do you walk into a downtown loft and see framed professional photos of people with their animals? Not very often. How about in the suburbs? ALL THE TIME.