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SPONSORED LISTINGS
A Guide to Strange, Spooky Health Problems
- by joeb
- -
- August 27, 2008
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As anyone who has ever used the internet or watched television or listened to the radio knows, there are thousands upon thousands of things that can afflict and/or kill you on almost a daily basis. Some of these afflictions are particularly strange or scary. Others just have odd names. Don't come down with any of these, okay?
The amino acids whose buildup causes MSUD.
Maple Syrup Urine Disease
Not as delicious as it sounds, MSUD primarily describes the color and odor of one’s urine. It’s also a very dangerous congenital metabolic disease that can be fatal if left untreated. Treatment involves a permanent adjustment of one’s diet.
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome is apparently also known as “Todd’s Syndrome,” but I suspect it’s not referred to as such very often. It’s a neurological condition that causes perception of size to be severely distorted in one direction or the other. It’s temporary and is often associated with tumors or psychoactive drugs.
Donald Sutherland stars in the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I love this movie.
Capgras Delusion
A rare, scary disorder in which a person believes that a person has been replaced by an impostor, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”-style. It’s most common in schizophrenics, but can really affect just about anybody.
Peter Sellers stars in Dr. Strangelove. I also love this movie.
Alien Hand Syndrome
Also known as Dr. Strangelove syndrome, it is the syndrome that Dr. Strangelove had. The sufferer’s hand takes on a mind of its own. Sometimes it even removes clothing, which I imagine is embarrassing and very difficult to explain away.
Jumping Frenchmen of Maine
First of all: Dibs on this band name. Second of all: JFoM is a rare regional disease wherein people will do anything you tell them to so long as you tell them quickly and loudly. It’s also been found, by other names, elsewhere in the world, but this iteration is called “Jumping Frenchmen of Maine.” I rest my case.
The former contents of a Pica sufferer’s stomach.
Pica
Pica is the intense desire to eat things that have no nutritional value (coal, soil) or are simply not food (flour). It is relatively common, but can only be cured with behavioral therapy. Considering the afflicted person will probably eat anything they’re compelled to, this condition can often be fatal.
Jerusalem Syndrome
There are a few types of Jerusalem Syndrome, but they all revolve around visiting one’s sacred land and having intense, bizarre religious psychoses that persist until one leaves. This happens to roughly 100 visitors to Jerusalem each year.
Exploding Head Syndrome
Another syndrome that’s only interesting because of its absurd name, “exploding head syndrome” causes sufferers to experience a really loud noise within their own head. Apparently sometimes it sounds like an explosion. Attacks can be one-time, or recurring. I particularly scared of having this happen to me.
Foreign Accent Syndrome
Person gets hit in the head or has a stroke, person begins speaking with a foreign accent apropos of nothing. I had always assumed that this only happened on episodes of Yogi Bear or something.
Locked-In Syndrome
Having been the subject of the popular movie and book The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, this one’s a bit less obscure. It’s also basically the most terrifying thing I can think of, though, so here it is. The person is fully awake and conscious, but is paralyzed in almost all the voluntary muscles in their body. This might be the worst fathomable thing that can happen to somebody.
Argyria
Argyria was a lot more interesting before they figured out what caused it. Families in the Appalachian area were turning bluish silver, were perfectly healthy otherwise and nobody had any idea why. As it turns out, it was prolonged exposure to silver. This is funny, though:
“A recent prominent case was that of Stan Jones, of Montana, a Libertarian candidate for the United States Senate in 2002 and 2006. Jones acquired argyria through consumption of a home-made silver product that he made due to fears that the Year 2000 problem would make antibiotics unavailable”
The Cotard Delusion
Similar to the Capgras Delusion (the two are actually thought to be related), this is a condition in which a person believes they are dead, does not exist, or are rotting. Electroconvulsive therapy has been the only remotely effective treatment. Oof.
Trichotillomania
Trichotillomania is the compulsion to pull out one’s own hair. While in severe cases this results in bald spots and things like that, I think I may have a mild form of this.
Genital Retraction Syndrome
It should be called “Perceived Genital Retraction Syndrome.” But still.
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.jpg "Shawna")
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The foreign accent syndrome is great. I know a person who goes on a trip for a week and come back with an accent, are the two related. She went New Orleans for a weekend and talked with a southern accent for almost a month. I don’t think she got hit on the head but she did drink a lot.
.jpg "AlexandraF")
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I imagine that after this guide, there will be one-to-many drunk fools smelling their beer-stained urine to see if it reminds them of maple syrup.
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