Stand-up comedy tips!

Sometimes people say to me, they say, “Hey you’ve done okay for yourself in comedy, do you have any tips for other people starting out?” and I usually always say, “uh, just keep working hard I guess.” Here are some more detailed tips I found helpful.

Tip #2

Get a car. I had a car when I started doing comedy, and I got so many shows just by being ‘that little guy with a working car’. I was also available to drive pretty much anywhere on no notice (see tip 1). Many established comics don’t have cars, or they prefer to drink and have you drive. If you have a car, advertise this fact around town. A sandwich board might work. By the way, I need a ride to a show in Dunston, Ohio tomorrow. You can do five minutes up front and I’ll give you $6 for gas. See, that was a test! If some of you were already looking for your keys and dragging your special show shirt out of the closet, you might make it!

Tip #3

Lose your dignity. Most comics do this regardless. But you need to throw out the last little clumps that you think you can keep. We are professional asses. We are clown-men and juggle-women, pandering to the unimaginative hordes. As long as you keep that in mind, it takes a lot of pressure off. Comedy is an ancient art. Think of yourself as a court jester, but instead of performing in front of the king, you’ll be performing in front of 6 horribly obese sweat-sacks at a VFW hall in San Bernadino. And you’ll be paid with a warm can of Pabst. And you’ll like it. In fact, you’ll be back next month to host, motherfucker.

Tip #4

Have (at least) one dirty joke. I didn’t have a dirty joke in my act for a long time, and I slowly realized that most people don’t trust a comic without a dirty joke. It’s true. A comic who can’t get down on their metaphorical knees next to the shit-caked urinal and jam both balls in their mouth is someone who might be hiding something. Also, telling a dirty joke is a great way to get a crowd back into the show. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been boring the shit out of some biker bar for fifteen minutes, then I drop my grossest joke and they’re revived! It’s like a teaser. “If you listen to my jokes about reading and spelling, I might do another cavernous pussy joke! But you never know unless you L-I-S-T-E-N!” Which they never do.

(INSERT MENTAL PICTURE OF TUBGIRL HERE)

If mental picture is unavailable, utilize Google.

Tip #5

Don’t hate the audience. That last tip made me hate the audience right here in my living room, and I try to never do that. Some comics will berate a small crowd, as if it’s their fault the comedy club didn’t give out enough free tickets. So there are twelve people in a venue that seats over two hundred. You may as well entertain those twelve, instead of slugging it out with them. Also, realize that a comedy audience member is someone who needs to pay to be entertained. Many people have a funny friend, (or are funny themselves!) so they don’t go to comedy shows. Your audience is comprised of men and women who love television, and they go to see Rob Schneider movies. Just as a prostitute needs to be tender to the man who pays for sex, so should you be tender to the audience that needs to pay for chuckles. But if that audience smacks you around, you come talk to me, bitch.

Tip #6

Learn to love new foods. Specifically, new foods such as fried mozzarella sticks, fried macaroni and cheese wedges, french fries and nachos. These will be your main food groups on the comedy highway. Sure, you’ll pack some smart snacks when you start out on the road, but eventually you’ll be dipping mozzarella sticks in ranch dressing and sopping up melted orange plastic disguised as cheese sauce with a stub of lukewarm pretzel. Combined with the cheap beer you’ll be swilling, your heart will eventually resemble an ancient, crabby woman from Long Island, who has never married and lives only to spite her sisters.

Tip #7

It’s time to stop appreciating people’s differences, and start making fun of them. According to the average American, gay people are hilarious! If you’re having a hard time making a joke work, simply do a fey, lisping voice and voila! Yeah, I don’t know how to make the accent on voila! Here’s an easy key to making the proper gay jokes: Gay men love to decorate houses, and can only travel by prancing. Lesbian women wear flannel, play softball, and are often covered in hair. If you’re worried that a homosexual might be in the audience, make fun of the transgendered! They don’t even exist! They’re an urban myth used to dissuade teens from raves. It’s true.

Tip #8

Uh, keep working hard, I guess.

Tip #1.

Lose your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband (or all of them). Being single when you start performing comedy is great! You’ll have nothing to do at night but visit dingy open mics, and you won’t feel the shame of someone you like watching you eat shit repeatedly. Later, down the road, find someone to date who you can unload all of your gripes and comedy gossip upon. Soon they’ll feel as if they were a part of the comedy scene as well! (They won’t be getting paid the sweet ten bucks you just did, though)

IF YOU'VE JUST BEEN FIRED FOR GOOGLING TUBGIRL AT WORK I APOLOGIZE.

But only for your dumbness.