I’m told by a close friend and long-time New Yorker that for a bikini wax, there is no better place than Elizabeth Arden. I’m told they use hard wax as opposed to strips and that for some reason, this is better. This is not really the type of conversation that should have taken place on a sidewalk outside of a restaurant in a family neighborhood, complete with all the intimate details of the uphill battle that is swimsuit season (not to mention, plenty of unabashed cackling) but hey, this is New York.

Sometimes you grab a two-piece swimsuit off of a department store rack and wonder where it’s been. Other times, you put that thought out of your mind, you spy “the one”, and the top fits perfectly but the bottom doesn’t even come close or vice versa. This path could end at the one-piece rack but it doesn’t HAVE to. Malia Mills on the Upper West Side makes bathing suits in sizes from Joan Didion petite to Mama Cass grande and is able to craft suits for those of us for whom a different top and bottom size is needed.

Not the best gym in town, far from the worst, New York Sports Clubs are as ubiquitous as Bank of Americas and twice as good for your quadricep muscles. You won’t find too many meatheads and you’ll have plenty of classes to choose from if the treadmill starts to induce Monday morning yawns.

A manicure may be optional but a pedicure is a necessity for beach season.

American Apparel is for sauntering onto the “L” train and shrugging your shoulders at a low-fi party in Brooklyn. American Apparel should not, however, be trusted to conceal what little it manages to cover when water and potential activity is involved.

Pack a flask, write your “mer”moirs

Disney has taken over Broadway, much to the chagrin of many serious performers, theater-goers and longtime New York City residents. Since this is the case, however, a real mermaid’s (or merman’s) options for entertainment are limited. Why not check out “The Little Mermaid” musical playing at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre? You could even ask to have a word with the production team to discuss the feasibility of the events and visuals depicted on stage.

Whether you believe in God or Bob Ross, someone took the time to mix those colors on their palette and meant for us to walk around in the shade we were dealt. I am one of those. When I went to Beach Bum Tanning, I had the goal of maintaining a pale pink, freckled “funburn” that I had developed over the Fourth of July. Well what I got for my $26 and seven minutes of UVB heaven was a fuschia nightmare. Really, someone who looks as though they could hop right into the cast of Riverdance has no business in a tanning salon in the first place, and the very helpful woman at the counter did tell me that it would take at least three visits to achieve the desired effect. I recommend the spray-on variety for those a whiter shade of pale.

A great place to prance around in the spandex equivalent of your underwear

This upstairs yoga studio is well-situated for the business and theater lot (as well as for out-of-towners), and is completely unpretentious. As we all know, yoga does wonders for the beach-bound body.

The first thing you should know about Bumble and Bumble is that they have a model university where you can get your hair cut or colored, free of charge. Yes, a “professor” may arrive at the back of your head and let your stylist-in-training know that she’s gone off course, but most of the time – and especially for a sleek summer bob* – you’re safe and it’s free. The second thing you should know about Bumble and Bumble is that their Surf Spray will give you mermaid hair safely on dry land. And who doesn’t want to feel like a mermaid once in a while?

*You’re a mermaid; there will be no sleek summer bob for you, friend!

Sure you’ll step on some glass – and not the pretty sea glass you can collect with seashells – the kind that makes you go “ouch”. I’ll say it again, this is New York.

A no-frills pilates studio for those of us ALL the way uptown, Hudson Pilates has group mat classes (my favorite kind of pilates class if I must sweat in public and be seen by strangers) priced at $16 per class or 5 classes for $70. For the abs (which yoga often fails to target), pilates holds the key.

After a day of city splashing, perfectly tossed locks, a well-acquired golden glow, and a wardrobe change, head on down to The Mermaid Inn. This little eatery is a Lower East Side seafood delight. It isn’t easy to get in on the weekend, but if you flash them a shell or two, (currency reference here; nothing lewd) you just might earn yourself a seat. The lobster roll is one of the most delicious things this Guidespotter has ever tasted. Outside seating is available in the warmer months, but the dining room has a homey charm best described as “shanty-chic”.

In addition to being one more spot on the map to park your beach towel in New York City, Coney Island is home to The Mermaid Parade. This is a must for all you Darryl Hannah wannabes.