I’m not going to paint a pretty picture for you. I’m a lousy painter so I probably couldn’t even if I tried. The most comfort you’ll find on this bus is the very last seat and you will be right next to the toilet. Why does it always come down to public facilities with me? Well, proximity couldn’t be any better, but you will have to wait to wash your hands until you reach The A.C. The trip will take about 2 1/2 hours from Port Authority Bus Terminal, and that’s about enough time to cook soybeans, a 12 pound goose, or to drive from Nagoya to Ontake in the Gifu Prefecture…none of which you’ll do on this bus ride. You’re going to South Jersey! Bring a novella, two good magazines, or a friend who has a talent for making conversation.

“Where you going tonight?” “Uh…I was thinking Mexico…” Run for the border if you want to grab a decent meal that you can actually afford in this town. Why is your mind wandering off into “No Country for Old Men” land? Try not to think about it, even if this neighborhood gives you the creeps. Mexico is laid-back and the food pretty authentic. The casinos and boardwalk are not where you want to take your wallet. Save the contents for something better. Give ‘er a rest and order the cheese enchilada. It’s simple and delicious. Go in the late afternoon and avoid any kind of wait or hassle.

Happy face…indifferent face. Sad, sad, plunging to a frown face. This casino is full of blinking lights, levers, silver coins, mopey gamblers on their ninth straight hour of slots. I think I even saw Harold from the first season of “Top Chef” here. And if it wasn’t you, Harold, cheers to whomever it was; you were a dead-ringer for for the world’s most unpretentious chef. I had a little time to kill so I killed it with the dull edge of a quarter. I inadvertently parked myself in the smoking section, where a silver-haired woman was methodically depositing and clicking away the hours herself. And since she seemed like an expert, I took the liberty of asking her just how the heck you did that thing, and she somewhat agitatedly showed me.

True, it was a last-minute reservation, but the staff at the Borgata – one of the finest hotel/casinos in all of Atlantic City – didn’t seem to have quite enough time to clean the blood up off of the carpet from the injured (prostitute?) guest that came before me. Sure, it added some unexpected character but it didn’t help me sleep soundly through the night. The Borgata did have some outstanding room service, though. The French toast comes highly recommended by yours truly.

Another big destination in the Northeast for concert-goers.

You might not even remember that you’re in Atlantic City if you end up at the House of Blues. This is a members club with locations in the North and Southeast, Midwest, Southeast and West, and even Canada. You can catch a world class concert here or simply enjoy the the club’s southern-style fare and celebration of culture. The club is also active in giving back to the community, and in a community that’s all about throwing hard-earned money into a giant bonfire, this is a rarity.

Really “high rollers” (members only) can enjoy the HOB’s famed Foundation Room with an ocean view and artifacts from Asia and Africa.

If you don’t feel like slumming it in AC, the 40/40 club offers up some class courtesy of Jay-Z. With its ultra-hip hip hop decor and sports bar offerings, the 40/40 Club provides a respite from questionable street folk in New York, Vegas, and (luckily for you), Atlantic City. As a side note, I’ve heard that some of the fortune tellers on the Boardwalk aren’t total scam artists. It’s up to you and your own intuitive powers to discern the phonies from the true clairvoyants. For those of you who’ve had your fill of rolling the dice (metaphorically, on the boardwalk, or literally, in the casinos) I’d recommend the 40/40.

If you love salt water taffy as much as I do (I smacked my through an entire trip to Salem, Mass with bags to spare), then you’ll simply have to put the ortho-guilt aside for James and Fralinger’s on the Boardwalk. And this is one souvenir you won’t want to leave without.

What would a seaside city be without a great aquarium? The Atlantic City Aquarium on New Hampshire Avenue has an excellent permanent exhibit with all kinds of fishes, shelled creatures, and even a Tropical Rainforest area. Kids, you can even pet the sharks! Supervised youths can reach in and skim the backs of perfectly harmless bamboo sharks if they so choose.