Signs of the Apocalypse

Started by egodeth | 1 contributor
updated 21 days ago

There are things that everyone never thinks will actually ever happen, and when they actually do, people bunker themselves in their basement fearful of what said omens may portend. This is a list of such things.

Chinese Democracy

Fifteen friggin years, almost 20 musicians, two partial tours, millions of dollars, and free dr pepper to everyone in the US except Slash and Buckethead, I honestly never thought this album would come out. It was three times as long as waiting for a NIN album. And its not like Axle ever stopped working on the damn thing either. This act will reignite the whole, “Who REALLY made the band” argument which will incite disgruntled fans to destroy modern rock stations that do not voice their opinions. You know what type of people are huge GnR fans. Be afraid.

Tommy Chong No Longer Perma-stoned!

While Cheech decided to “branch out” and become a serious actor, Tommy Chong kept smoking pot. It emanates his personae, and hell, he made a B horror movie called Evil Bong. Plus, the man is so commited to marijuana that he actually went to jail because of all of it, and is still staunch it his position. And his name even rhymes with bong. This man is not acting, he just really likes his uh, pot, man. This man quitting the herb would devastate entire college campuses, and bankrupt High Times. Bummer.

Jerry Springer Repents and Becomes Moral Compass to All!

While maybe the man doesn’t necessarily embody or really endorse the institution which he has become, that institution has become a behemoth and no, we all despite our disgust at ourselves must find out what type of person would be shocked when their 500 lb stripper girlfriend cheats on him with his best friend and his sister at the same time, and what sort of carnage ensues. If this show ceases to exist, how many of these people would suddenly be thrust upon the populace, angry that they no longer have an outlet for “stardom” to parade about?

Cubs Win! Cubs Win the Series!

What hell do the Cubs actually have to do to win a World Series? At first everyone said its because the Cubs wouldn’t spend the money. The last several years have proved that wrong. The Rays and the Marlins organizations have fared better, despite being in the league a fraction of the time the Cubs have. Now, having said that, I don’t think that’s a truly apocalyptic enough. Imagine the Cubs playing the White Sox in the World Series. Even if the world didn’t end, Chicago certainly would.