The Shiksa's Guide to Snagging a Nice Jewish Boy

by Andrea D - November 18, 2008

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As a שיקסע (shiksa, gentile, or non-chosen) woman, you might be thinking that it's impossible to find yourself a nice Jewish boy to settle down with. Never give up! Here are some ways to nab that perfect dentist/doctor/lawyer/Wall Street analyst.

Cynical Things You Shouldn't Even Consider: Part I

Horrible, terrible, cynical, and unethical things that you absolutely should not be thinking about when trying to land a Jewish dude. You suck for even considering them.

When to convert?

In order to make his mom happy, you’ll have to convert. This won’t satisfy her, but it officially makes you a non-shiksa in the world of liberal Jews. Mind you, the really liberal ones don’t care at all, and will allow you to remain a shiksa and probably won’t even call you a shiksa, and are probably all converts anyway, too.

Anyway, so do you convert now or wait until you’ve been dating the right guy for a little bit? If you convert now, you appear as though you care about Judaism with or without a man. This makes you spiritual! On the other hand, if you convert once you’ve snagged your Jew, he can be there for the conversion, and it will be an intimate and wonderful moment that you can partly credit him with, thus making his mother proud of him (but not you).

Do you hang the little thingie on your door?

You know, that thingie. The mezuzah. It reassures him and his relatives, but might be awkward if all of your neighbors know that you are actually an atheist.

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Places to meet Jewish men

JDate – your one-stop shopping for Jewish dudes.
Kibbutz – You’re probably a pinko commie, anyway. Might as well join in the fun.
Singles night at your newfound synagogue – hey, at least there’s punch.
Is it too stereotypical to mention your dentist? I’m pretty sure that’s an East Coast thing, anyway. My dentist is Korean, and a pretty damn hot Korean at that.

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Tips on surviving shiksahood

Learn to make your Jewish boyfriend feel guilty in a passive-aggressive manner. This will remind him of his mother, and make him more comfortable with his choice of you as a mate.
Be nice and be patient. Cultures that are hesitant to accept outsiders aren’t TRYING to be mean to you. It just works out that way.

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Temple Beth Am

2632 Ne 80th St, Seattle, WA 98115

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Bethesda Jewish Congregation

6601 Bradley Blvd, Bethesda, MD 20817

Welcoming liberal Jewish congregation with adult learning classes.

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Diversity

Remember that there are Jews all over the world, and they’re not all of European ancenstry. There are Jews in Iran, for example (and a huge Persian Jewish community in Los Angeles). There are Jews in Africa, and in China (actually Chinese Jews, believe it or not).

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Cynical Things You Shouldn't Even Consider, Part II

Is he serious about you, or are you his Marilyn Monroe?

Let’s face it: shiksas are a hot commodity among Jewish men, not because we are better looking than our Jewish sisters, but because they are technically forbidden to marry us, because (traditionally) a Jew is only a Jew if born to a Jewish mother (duh). So, any children produced in your gentile womb aren’t REAL Jews, per se (depending on who you talk to, but it boils down to mitochondrial DNA, believe it or not). So, in dating a Jewish man, you run the risk of being his forbidden fantasy, but not the girl that he brings home to mom. If you are seeking a Jewish fuckbuddy, you’ll find plenty of those. If you are planning on settling down, do watch your heart and get his feelings on the subject upfront.

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Lake Oswego United Church of Christ Congregational

1111 Country Club Rd, Lake Oswego, OR 97034

Beit Haverim/South Metro Jewish Congregation apparently hold their services at a church.

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Yiddish Slang

Not all Jews enjoy throwing around Yiddish slang, but it’s good to have a small lexicon to fall back on.

Partly taken from here.

Bris — Circumcision.
Bubkis — Nothing, but less than nothing if possible.
Chachkes — Trinkets.
Chaloshes — Nauseous.
Chupah — Wedding canopy.
Fachadick — Extremely confused.
Fahklumpt — Confused, emotional.
Feh — Sort of like a Jewish version of “bah”. Indicating disapproval.
Gevalt geshreeyeh — Good grief!
Goy — Non-Jewish person.
Hamisch — Down to earth. A real person.
Hashem — Literally “The name.” It’s how you say G-d when you’re not praying to him/her.
Kvetch — Complain.
L’chaim – Cheers.
Mazel Tov — Congrats.
Meeskite — Unattractive woman.
Mensch — Person of integrity.
Mevin (maven) – Expert on a subject.
Mitzvah — A blessing or commandment.
Plotz — Literally, to burst. But it refers to “don’t have a hemorrhage” or words to that effect.
Shabbat — Sabbath
Shagetz — Non-Jewish boy.
Shiksa — Non-Jewish woman.
Shlemiel — Clumsy dope. Klutz.
Shlep — Drag, carry or haul.
Shmeckle — Penis
Shmeichel — Butter up.
Shul — Synagogue, but literally, school.
Tuchis — Behind. As in what you sit on.
Ungepatched — All mixed up.
Yutzi — Stupid.

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Cynical Things You Shouldn't Even Consider: Part III

Can you give up pork?

It’s pretty unusual to find yourself a Jew that will eat pork; they exist, but you might have to brace youself for a bacon-free life. Chances are, if you find a liberal Jew who will accept your shiksa ass or be content with a converted wife, you might be spared the trials and tribulations of being totally kosher. Strict kosher laws are tough to follow. So, assuming you don’t need a split kitchen, you’ll probably hae to give up pork. Maybe not, but maybe so. Shellfish – eh. Some Jews will take it or leve it. But pork is generally a big no-no. Can you manage without sausage, or can you find a way to consume it so that he will never know?

Along the same lines, can you eat chopped liver without gagging?

Holocaust as a trump card

The Holocaust is a final playing card in any relationship debate between you and your Jew. As Charlotte said to Harry in Sex in the City (after he explains he can’t marry her because he promised his mother he’d marry a Jew, and his mother lost people in the Holocaust) “Well, now I can’t say anything because you’ve brought up the Holocaust.”

The only way around this is to ALSO have relatives that have died in the Holocaust. If you are of European Catholic, gypsy, or homosexual heritage, you might be able to find an example of an ancestor who died in the Holocaust. Me, my Catholic Russian grandmother narrowly survived German prison camps, and her mother was killed by Nazis. Tragic? Yes. Street cred with the Jews? You bet.

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