Trust me... STOP.

Here’s the thing: guys are idiots. Sorry, gentlemen, but it’s the truth. 9 times out of 10, we usually don’t tend to pick up on a female’s advances. Even worse-case scenario, we misinterpret a woman’s signals and think they want to be all over us. It’s a shame, because I really did want to go see Role Models with my roommate’s hot cousin. Anyway, why is it that guys immediately jump the gun with a great amount of brash machismo? It could be because we’re made to believe that’s what  a girl loves to see. It also could be because you are one of the unfortunate many who has spent your hard-earned cash on several revised editions of The Game. Women like attention. They like confidence. They like it when we’re straight-forward and honest about it. They hate when we think that buying them a drink will equal a quickie in the back of a cab.

Okay, so you didn’t notice that she was looking at you… like four times. That’s cool – sometimes it’s just the circumstances: maybe you’re at a packed bar, or a loud concert, or maybe you just don’t understand the basic rules of an introduction. Once again, that’s cool. If she actually WALKS OVER to you and STARTS the conversation, take that as a sign that SHE’S INTERESTED. Nearly all of the women I interviewed for this guide said that when they want to “mark their territory”, they’ll make an effort to get the guy’s attention by very straight-forward means. Now, if you decide to somehow parlay the conversation into a fifteen diatribe on Battlestar Galactica, you’re on your own.

An hour and a half has gone by and she’s still talking to you. Her Sex and The City crew has disappeared and your Entourage (yes, I just made two clumsy HBO references) are keeping their distance. It’s safe to assume that you’ve actually done/said something to keep her interested this long. Do not make the mistake of thinking she’s going to mention a boyfriend (unless she’s just cruel) any time soon, or balk if you ask for her number (unless she’s just crazy). It’s safe to assume that this girl will be interested in seeing you again. Whether or not, you want to see if she’ll let you spoon her… that’s your call.

When You Should Quit While Ahead

Okay, so it was going well at first, but now conversation seems to have grown a bit stale. She hasn’t left you or anything, so that’s good. But she sure seems to be drinking more than you. In fact, that was her sixth beer and now she’s moved onto tequila. Two things are certain at this point: a) she does plan to sleep with you, b) the only way she will sleep with you is after consuming copious amounts of alcohol. Though scoring with a drunk chick may sound exciting at the time, it’s actually a red flag: you are unbearable. In most situations, if things don’t go so well after a woman approaches you, she’s going to find a way to disappear. It’s best to let her. The common bonehead move usually tends to be “I’ll follow her”. If she’s ending the conversation, she’s not interested. And, if she’s choosing to continue the crappy talk, but is looking to drink, do you really want to go home with that chick?

What Women Hate

Not everybody is savvy to what a women responds. It takes time to learn and also you need to need to figure out the flakes from the semi-sane. That all said, there are a few definite one-size-fits all points you should consider. Because – whackjob or not – women find certain techniques utterly deplorable.

• Talking about how awesome you are
• Talking to her friend and ignoring her
• Underhanded insults to play on her insecurities.
• Arguing with her friends.
• Jokes that revolve around sexism with no sense of irony
• Talking about previous relationship
• Not actually looking at her in the face
• Pick up lines from out of a book
• Commenting on her body… at all

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A Couple Of Surefire Signs

When women see something they like, they lock into it. Just like a tiger crouching in the glades before it attacks it’s prey. Or, Sarah Palin near the spotlight for that matter. Anyway, want a definite sign that she’s at all into you? Easy: is she even looking at you? If someone in the room catches a girl’s attention, she’s going to give him a look that falls somewhere in between “Come talk to me.” and “Meet you in the back of the coat room.” Eye contact is the first move. If it’s made, consider that a green light. Remember: eye contact; not uncomfortable staring.

What Do You Hate Yourself?

More often than not, men tend to be oblivious to the fact that a woman is attracted to them. Or, they think an unaccessible woman is attracted to them (read: married with a kid on the way). So… why? Among many of the women I spoke to before I wrote this guide, a recurring question that popped up was “Why don’t guys catch on, sometimes?” I can’t speak on behalf of my entire sex, but I can certainly speak from my own experience: it’s a maturity thing. Some of us are repressed emo kids who still walk around with our various hang-ups from post-adolescence (Hi). Other times, most guys really don’t get it. Somewhere in our cultural history, men were made to believe that we have to take on a certain demeanor, because that’s what women look for. And then – somewhere in there – we really do wish you all were throwing yourselves at us. Sorry, but it’s true: we have egos and often they are very, very, very, very, very stupid.

Just because she’s listening to you ramble on about the awesome-ness of Y: The Last Man doesn’t actually mean she likes comic books. If she’s taken time to seek you out, she’s also going to let you talk about whatever you want – as long as it gets you talking. The idea here is that once you’ve actually talked about YOU for a few minutes, you’re supposed to then ask “So… law school, huh?” This is called “a conversation”. When women engage men in it, they tend to find an “in” but letting the guy talk about himself or complimenting his appearance. If you decide to never shut up, then – yes – her wait to get a new drink from the bar really is forty-five minutes long.

Yup, she is licensed to carry and operate fire arms. You know this, because she’s mentioned it to you at least eight or nine times, and she isn’t trying to brag. I would certainly hope that if a woman feels the need to tell you that she knows how to use a gun in a forceful, commanding manner – you’d get the hint. Of course, in New York City, that may be a new source of kink. I wouldn’t know, I don’t keep up. Anyway, if you do find yourself in a situation where you’re the one initiating conversation, or if she’s listening without any of the little hints like smiling at you, or laughing at one of your jokes, you’d be wise to step back. Unless, that is, you think getting hunted in Central Park while wearing a rabbit costume is sexy.

Here’s the thing about figuring out if a woman is flirting with you or not – she has to acknowledge you even exist in the first place. If she’s giving you no physical indication that she’s even aware of you, it’s safe to say she is not flirting. You may laugh at how obvious this point may sound, but you would be surprised. Once again, if a woman is giving you “sexy eyes” (or whatever she calls them), then she’s interested. If she glances over her shoulders, sees you, and then goes back to whatever she was doing before (my guess: something that holds her interest), you have done nothing to catch her attention. She has just committed what they call – in science – “seeing what’s up”. If a woman is giving you no physical indication that you are a priority, then she is not flirting. Unlike what your mom has led you to believe, you are not God’s gift to the fairer sex.

This one should be self-explanatory. If is has done absolutely nothing to catch your attention, she’s not interested. You are not even a blip on her radar. So from here, either you can do something, or just leave her alone. One way or the other, not really going to happen unless someone does something.