ShameNation: The most embarrassing things about America.

by ThePoorestTourist - April 23, 2008

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These are the things that bring disgrace to us all. The world is always watching America, and it's time we cleaned up our act.

The good old US of A.

While I am no Lee Greenwood, I think I can safely say that I am proud to be an American. Or at least, I feel lucky that I was born here instead of the hundreds of other places where life is complicated by War, Famine, Disease, and Oppression. We’ve really got it quite good. But, having said that, there are certain things in our beloved country that make me want to cover my face and slink off to Canada. Here is a sampling:

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Rich peoples kids have always been a bit of a problem for our society. They tend to be spoiled, idle, and always getting into trouble. But at least they used to be interesting. When newspaper heiress Patty Hearst went wild it was really something. She joined a terrorist group and ended up robbing banks with a machine gun, wearing a beret and calling herself “Tanya”. But Paris Hilton just goes to parties and has sex on tape. When she opens her mouth to speak it is the empty sound of dumb privilege that emerges. She is a vapid, dull, awful slut. And she is one of the best known faces in the world. To a person in Southeast Asia, Paris Hilton is America. Scary thought. Please write letters to her family and have her sent off to a remote island far from anyone with a camera.

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Hilton Hotels and Resorts

9336 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Drop her parents a line and offer whatever child-rearing advice you might have.

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Kansas is a miserable excuse for a state. It is awful to visit, a nightmare to drive through, and is always embarrassing us in front of the whole world. It seems that not a month can go by without a news story emerging from Kansas that a judge has ordered Bible Study in public classrooms, or that all the textbooks on evolution are being gathered up and burned in a town square. Every time this happens, the rest of the modern world, where they have some respect for things like Science, and Fact, just roll their eyes and say, “Oh, those Americans. They are so superstitious and backwards”. Hey Kansas, Enough! You’re making us look dumb. No one likes your state. Even your biggest city hated it and jumped the river to be in Missouri. And stop putting statues of the 10 Commandments in front of schools and courthouses. Can’t you read? The 2nd commandment is “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or likeness of any thing.” Like for instance, an ENGRAVED IMAGE OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. No wonder God sends 100 tornados through your shabby state every summer and smashes up all your Meth Labs.

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Board of Education

200 North 7th Street, Fredonia, KS 66736

Let the Kansas Board of Education know what you think about the job they are doing.

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The current guy in the job of President is the most embarrassing one we have had in a long time. Even his most loyal supporters get nervous when he opens his mouth. He seems to always have something profoundly stupid to say. Watching W talk is like watching a drunk guy cross an icy street. You almost can’t look because you know something bad is about to happen. But let’s face it. It’s not just Bush. For the last 100 years we have been electing guys who get up on the World Stage and make our country look silly. Let’s look back a few decades:

Kennedy: Rich boy who cheated on his wife with movie stars.

Johnson: Redneck who talked like a gas station attendant.

Nixon: Crook, Liar, Jerk.

Ford: Clutz, Dopey guy.

Carter: Talked like a Hillbilly, made everyone worry.

Reagan: Bad actor, Half-Senile, Called his horrible wife “Mommy”.

Bush #1: Elitist jerk. Ex CIA director.

Clinton: Cheeseburger loving Sex-aholic.

and now
The Moron.

We really need to rethink this president thing, or start choosing less embarrassing leaders to represent us to the globe.

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White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest, Washington, DC 20500

Submit Complaints here.

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Hall of Presidents

789 Baltimore Street, Gettysburg, PA 17325

Take a good look at this collection of really silly old white men. Is this the best we can do?

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We really screwed the pooch on this one. What a bad idea from the start! And then we made the situation worse once we abolished slavery by being wishy-washy and shady and not really leveling the playing field at all. For a Nation that loves to talk in high moral tones about Human Rights and all Men being “created equal” we seem to have a tough time walking the walk. For 100 years after the Civil War blacks were still being mistreated, isolated, underpaid, overworked, abused, and treated as sub-human in a million ways. And it’s a long way from being fixed even now. Nice one, America!

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Slavery & Civil War Museum

1410 Water Avenue, Selma, AL 36703

We should all be forced to attend this museum once a year to marvel at the unforgivable mistakes of the past.

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I recently read that this is now the most watched show in the World. So, when a 10 year old in Norway, or Bangladesh, thinks of The United States they are really thinking about David Caruso. They picture America as a land full of strange homicides, flashy edits, really shiny cars and clothing, and Bad, Bad, Bad Acting. Even by modern TV standards this show is shameful in it’s awfulness. Why couldn’t The Sopranos, The Wire, or The Office be the most watched show in the world. At least then people in far off lands would know that there was some good writing and good acting to be found here. But no, instead we send them Horatio Caine, and his idiotic Sunglasses.

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The company that, more than any other, destroyed everything nice about America. Small towns in this country were once wonderful and pleasent places. They were all unique and delightful places to live. Each one had a little main street or town square and there was a place to eat, and a place to buy groceries or get your car fixed. There was a hardware store, and a shop that sold clothes. People earned money in the town and spent it in the town, and life was rosy. Not anymore. Now, every small town has nothing in it, nothing at all. But 5 miles outside of town, sitting in a charmless parking lot the size of a small lake, is a Wal-Mart. Everyone in the town buys everything there, because they have no other choice. And the money goes off to a mega-corporation, and to China, where they keep making cheap plastic garbage for us to buy, and break, and throw away, and re-buy. And what was the upside of this deal with the devil? Well, now America is more homogenized and a lot less interesting. Because with the Wal-Marts come the Taco Bells, the Jiffy Lubes, the KFC’s, and the stripmalls that are identical in every town. Now Tempe, Arizona looks, more or less, exactly like Ashville, Kentucky, and Burlington, Vermont. And Sally in Lockjaw, Idaho can wear the same awful shirt as Betty in Cribdeath, Iowa. What a disaster.

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Walmart Stores Inc.

Bentonville, AR 72712

This is the headquarters of Wal-Mart, if you need to know where to send the Thank You card.

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The Boy Band has been America’s most important contribution to the world of music in the last quarter century. Think about that and try to sleep at night. We were once the nation that gave the world Ragtime, The Blues, Jazz, and Rock and Roll. Now we give them N’Sync. Is it any wonder that so many people hate us?

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We are the fatties of the world, and we are just getting fatter every year. 30 years ago 1 in 25 second graders was overweight. Now, 1 in 8 is. In Europe people just assume that you are an American if you are fat. I know a chubby Irishman, living in Germany, who is frequently mistaken for an American when he is eating in a restaurant. Our food is drenched in fat and we eat ridiculous amounts of it. Even the poorest people in our country get fat, more so than any other group. If you drive into a town and everyone is morbidly obese, you know that you are in a poor community. If you are poor in Darfur, or India, getting fat is not a worry. Only in America. And we steadfastly refuse to excercise. The average American walks a little less than 300 yards in a week. This is really a national short-coming. Oh, the humanity.

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: by bandicoot 09/03/2008 Reply

So, do you actually know anything about the presidents you cited as being embarrassments? Do you actually have anything worthwhile or intelligent to say? I mean if you’re going to write insulting and factually opinionated stuff, don’t you think it should actually contain some knowledge instead of ignorant shots at people about whom you know nothing? And, failing that, don’t you think you should make it at least a little bit funny? One thing that IS embarrassing about this country is its penchant for producing effete, untalented, smug, spoiled little jackasses who think they’re writers.

: by Elle78 09/03/2008 Reply

I was just about to add that the children were not sitting in an American McDonald’s. Fattest man in the world lives in Mexico, right? Your article sucks – it’s cliche and easy to write about how horrible the U.S. is. Try a little harder next time.

: by cheezel 09/02/2008 Reply

Excellent writing. I really enjoyed the article and your selections, and I’ve got your back on Kansas. Ya’ll Kansans stop complaining and clean up your rep by sweeping out some of the crazy.