The Seattle Transplant's Guide to Driving with the Natives

Relearn what you think you know about driving in the snow

Because Seattlites don’t know shit about driving in the snow, and trust me – they act like it.

Yes, that is a bus, hanging precariously over a section of I-5…because of snow.

Get ready to give your friends a ride when it snows

Because Seattle natives lose their minds when it snows, and they tend to abandon their cars on the side of the road and ask for people to come pick them up. No joke. Actual example above.

Get reverse eye muscle surgery

Driving in Seattle is like almost like a round of Mario Kart Wii : CRAZY. Check the video to the right, you’ll see what I mean.

There’s so much to pay attention to – errant pedestrians strolling across 6-lane arterials, suicidal types jumping off the Aurora Bridge, morons trying to drink coffee, text and drive all at the same time…you need super-functional eyeballs.

The kind that can look in both directions, like the fine folks above – each a transplant from Yonder Easte Coaste. Now they can handle things flying at them from all directions as they drive – literally.

Find a good anger management counselor

Because you’re going to need one.

Forget everything you thought you knew about the "right of way"

Seattlites don’t know the right of way from right up their asses. Maybe because the city has insane road planning with 5 way stop sign intersections and no traffic lights.

Then again, I’m never impressed with Seattle drivers’ performance at regular old 4-way stops either.

Practice giving people the finger

It’s a surprisingly draining act, emotionally, and you’re going to be doing a lot of it.

Being from Boston, I’m naturally blessed with excellent bird-flipping skills, so I can teach you. For a small fee.

Mod your car - hey, it's just defensive driving!

Swap in a ginormous air horn for your car’s factory standard little tooter. You’ll never feel so satisfied as you will after you vibrate the bones of some idiot who can’t use their blinker correctly for the first time.

May I also suggest a spring-loaded boxing glove, or a headlight-mounted laser system with targeting controls in the dash?