Understanding Sandra Lee

Food

The category of Sandra-Lee’s cuisine lands somewhere between 80s-cocktail-party and space food. Excited by powdered spice packs and boxed cake mixes, Sandra-Lee’s mission is to make a TV dinner, and put a sprig of parsley on it to make it seem homemade.

Diction

In Sandra Lee’s universe, the more syllables the better. Everything is just beeee-uuuu-ti-fulll, or gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous! Despite her obvious enthusiasm for every single dish, the sincerity is dulled by her comandeering instructions, and obsessive compulsive twitches.

Attire

Sandra Lee is always dressed to the nines, in thematic outfits, that clearly took a great deal of planning.

Whether she’s setting aflame a sparkly feather headdress for her Halloween episode, or going through more outfit changes than Cher in preparation for her NASCAR party, she always goes above and beyond in the wardrobe department.

This must have been the day she made her Egyptian casserole…

…and the day she made Civil War figurines out of shortbread…

…and Nembutal bellinis.

It's Cocktail Time!

Never will you see such a devlish glare as when Sandra Lee hosts “Cocktail Time!” This ever-present segment of the show tends to include Auntie Sandy referring to herself in third-person while dumping unecessary portions of vodka into some type of syrupy neon mix. Sugar rims, grenadine, and Squirt are her signature staples, and are used brighten up her evident fever for the sauce.

Auntie Sandy

One might think that Sandra Lee’s affinity for arts & crafts, and tendncy to speak in the third-person would make her a regular Santa Claus around kids. You might even daydream about spending the day with her tie-dying t-shirts, and building bobsleds out of popsicle sticks. But her kid-friendly traits are quickly obliterated by her controlling nature, and years spent ingesting rubber cement.

In a birthday party episode for her 7-year-old niece, Auntie Sandy even denied the birthday girl the frosting color of her choice, because it did not match the color-scheme of the tablescape.

Tablescapes

Everything about Sandra Lee’s Tablescapes screams, “craft store spinster.” Inspired by themes ranging from race cars, to sea shells, to (I kid you not) crossword puzzles, Sandra-Lee always manages to find some elaborate O.C.D. project to dress her table.

Judging by the meticulously hand-crafted name cards, drapery, and centerpieces, one can only imagine the invitations, and dress-codes inflicted upon her guests.