San Francisco Guide To Detox

The Buzz On The Street

These days, there are three things I’m getting pretty sick of hearing:

1) How now is a really bad time to be a recent graduate with a writing degree.
2) Kat Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl.”
3) Everyone’s latest detox theories.

Suddenly inflated with the fear of invisible toxins eating away at our organs, consumers of every age and creed are rushing out in search of various remedies. I must admit, I have bought into it too. Here are some of my favorites.

The Master Cleanse

If you tell me chocolate milk comes from brown cows, I’m the type of person who will earnestly consider this possibility. I’m a believer. I’m always falling for the next big thing, whether it’s aluminum water bottles, or orthopedic shoes that look like they belong to the Dutch incarnation of Darth Vader. But when it comes to The Master Cleanse, I can’t help but imagine some evil think tank anthropologist somewhere laughing demonically in a plush velvet chair as Americans deplete Vermont’s maple forests.

Popularized by Beyonce, herself, The Master Cleanse plan recommends that the toxic masses skip solid foods, and drink a combination of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup that has the appetizing glow of pee in a cup.

Even though I’m pyramid-scheme-gullible, The Master Cleanse has never called my name. Even after witnessing convincing testimonies from my Master Cleansed peers, I think I’m just way too much of a hungry person to forgo chewing for so long.

Detox Supplements

If I don’t eat every three hours, I begin to have food fantasies. I’m not one of those “Give me a potato and I’ll live” types either. While the thought of having kids scares me now, I do look forward to the day when I can send someone to fetch me a pickle and a strawberry shortcake in the middle of the night.

In any case, the detox plans which allow you to supplement a healthy diet with pills are naturally more appealing to a girl who is predominantly concerned with nutritive quests. Kits like the Cleanse by 365 require consuming horse-pill-sized doses of fiber, milk thistle, and some kind of natural laxative.

Despite a very motivated beginning, which involved making a color-coded pill calendar out of construction paper and glitter pens, I never completed the two-week plan. Seven days of cold sweats and an uneasy stomach left me tired, with a sudden willingness to embrace my inner-toxins.

Detox Massage

There’s really nothing better than finding a legitimate health-oriented purpose for getting a massage. It’s one of those luxuries that’s so nice you’ll let the creepy guy from work give you one once in a while.

Be warned: when you get a deep-tissue detox massage, you may feel irritable and thirsty afterwards – a telltale sign of toxins being released from your muscles and into your bloodstream. Nevertheless, this sounds a lot better than drinking cayenne lemonade.

Wanna Talk About Colonics?

Well, I don’t! I’m still bitter that while savoring my very first Coney Dog, some guy decided it was a good time to share the story of his first colonic with the table. I am infinitely surprised at the candidness with which people, friends and strangers, alike, will share the details of this most intimate form of detox, especially at social gatherings which involve food consumption.

Call me a square – I just like to keep matters of food and colonics quarantined to their respective ends of the intestinal tract.

Cupping

Last summer, my mom came to visit me in California. Feeling strangely uninhibited in the fresh salt water air, she decided it was an ideal time to cross acupuncture off the list of things she had always wanted to try.

A very wise-looking practitioner recommended she try a session of “cupping,” a practice by which toxins are extracted from under the skin through heated glass suction cups.

The rest of Mom’s vacation was spent in long-sleeve, high-necked attire, to conceal what appeared to be her “octopus attack.” She should have just ridden a mechanical bull, or gotten a bikini wax or something.

Fat Flush Wrap

I find this just about as convincing as those old 1950s vibrating exercise bands that Betty Boop used to use to keep her girlish figure. But in true Westernized quick-fix spirit, people are flocking to be wrapped up like soggy mummies.