The Things You'll Buy At 30,000 Feet: Sky Mall's Finest Products

Day Clock

Thank god! My days of accidentally going to temple on Thursday have come to a close! However, this does nothing to help me realize that I’m not actually Jewish. $39.98.

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NoseAid

Fact: Putting a clothespin on your kid’s bloody nose is entirely uncouth. But when the clothespin is actually a $25 luxury item from Sky Mall, suddenly you’re a pioneer of new parenting hardware.

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8-Day Auto Pet Feeder

Is it just me, or does this dog look like he’s stuck?

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Is your pet tired of pesky opaque fences that cannot be penetrated by the canine eye? When windows just aren’t enough, curb your pup’s curiosity with this 3-D astronaut window, for a real glimpse beyond the yard.

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Autographed Soup Nazi Photo

The things I would do to get my hands on a list of the people who actually paid $199.95 for a signed photograph of actor, Larry Thomas in his “Soup Nazi” garb. I mean, sure, I’ve fallen for a pyramid scheme or two in my day, and I definitely bought a $60 potato peeler from an infomercial, but this sell trumps all!

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The Double-brella

Still doesn’t solve the height issue.

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Midlife-Crisis Hair Visor

Do yourself a favor, and as a grounding meditation, close your eyes, picture your dad, and then mentally replace that old B-Town hat he’s wearing with this hedgehog visor. Now, have a beautiful day, at peace with, and delightedly in the glow of the universe.

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Stomach-Sleeper Pillow

I had an ex-boyfriend who used to sleep like a bat in a coffin – arms crossed over chest. While this isn’t a trait I can say that I miss, I suppose it’s slightly more attractive than sleeping face-down into a giant hunk of foam. Someone could probably come in, play a round of Rock Band and rob the house while you’re immersed in your fancy pillow. On the bright side, I guess this product might be conducive to a quick Saturday morning getaway. . . You know. . . if you’re into that kind of thing.

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Hula Chair

Don’t be that annoying person who brings the giant rubber ball to work and then never actually sits on it. Instead, get your placebo core workout with this wiggly chair for only $249.95.

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Various Antler Accessories

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Nothing like a pair of car antlers to soften your look.

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Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar

Tired of the boring old air you’ve been breathing ever since you were born? Thanks to SkyMall’s “Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar,” you can now not only score your oxygen fix through a fancy tube, but also be graced with calming ethereal music via strap-on head apparatus. For only $299.99, you will finally get to fit right in with the chain smoking oxygen tank lady who sits outside of The Oaks retirement home.

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If I actually watched TV, I would totally love one of these remotes! I haven’t been this excited since my roommate purchased a fannypack hat for business card storage. $40.

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Aggressive Alarm Clock

For all you snooze button abusers, try waking up to a plastic projectile. If you’re a hard sleeper like me, this will only catapult you into a dream of battling Bruce Lee with ninja stars.

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"Bluetooth" Hearing Aid

Achieve your lifelong dream of participating in a conversation from fifty feet away, all while maintaining a sleek Robocop aesthetic.

$40.

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Marshmallow Launcher

Imagine for a moment the blunt satisfaction of popping your old boss right in the forehead with a nice stale marshmallow. Or what about that crazy hyena baby sitting next to you on your 6-hour flight? This would get past security check, right?

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Check out Kasper Hauser’s hilarious parody catalog, Sky Maul.