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Puke York City
- by matt_fried
- -
- August 26, 2008
(3)
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Garbage on the street. Late-night parties. Rats with a mind of their own. Humidity that turns your outfit into a sauna: welcome to July in New York City. Not surprisingly, this is also when New York finds itself becoming desolate. The heat and agitation gets everyone thinking about staying anywhere but in The Big Apple. Some of us, though, can't exactly afford a beach house down at the Jersey Shore, so we're stuck in the yuck. Of course there are upsides to a summer in the city, but truthfully, it gets hard to stay positive when you're watching cockroaches fight over a half-eaten hot dog. Not to mention your air-conditioner just broke. Welcome to Puke York City.
The Port Authority Bathrooms
Hm, there’s never a third hand dryer in the men’s room… oh God…
Port Authority Bus Terminal
8 Avenue & 41, New York, NY 10001
Nothing like having really, REALLY use the bathroom and getting stuck in “Hellhole of Midtown,” which is what I love to call the Port Authority bathrooms. I first became acquainted with them during my holiday breaks in college, having taken the LIRR into Manhattan and then waiting for a Greyhound to South Jersey. Only at The PA do you get a wonderful myriad of filth, human waste, and sleaze, but you could also find yourself rubbing elbows with the Great Unwash of the city, also known as the homeless. The whole experience takes you right back to Abe Beam’s New York.
Nothing like having really, REALLY use the bathroom and getting stuck in “Hellhole of Midtown,” which is what I love to call the Port Authority bathrooms. I first became acquainted with them during my holiday breaks in college, having taken the LIRR into Manhattan and then waiting for a Greyhound to South Jersey. Only at The PA do you get a wonderful myriad of filth, human waste, and sleaze, but you could also find yourself rubbing elbows with the Great Unwash of the city, also known as the homeless. The whole experience takes you right back to Abe Beam’s New York.
Die, UES Scum, Die!
Perhaps it would be just ridiculous of me to rail against native New Yorkers, but those damn kids get on my nerves! If you think Gossip Girl is obnoxious, just wait until you deal with the real thing: they’re nineteen years old, they’re home from college, they don’t want to get a job, and there’s no way any of them will ever sleep with you. Cue the Vampire Weekend soundtrack as I apply for a gun permit.
Rats at KFC/Taco Bell
My first New York scandal, and it made national news! In December 2006, the well-known KFC/Taco Bell restaurant on 6th Avenue in the West Village was officially shut down after investigative footage showed the whole place over run with rats. As the story unfolded further, vermin encounters were apparently not uncommon at the location. People reported rats falling from the ceiling and scurrying across the floors. But what really grosses me out: the fact that the restaurant still maintained a loyal clientele. Suffice to say, I rarely eat fast food anymore.
Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurants
242 E 14th St, New York, NY 10003
Greasy, filthy, disgusting and yet, my friends still swore by this place during late night munchies in the East Village. Sorry guys, not a fan of rat got my tongue.
Greasy, filthy, disgusting and yet, my friends still swore by this place during late night munchies in the East Village. Sorry guys, not a fan of rat got my tongue.
I Don't Feel So Good...
Bring your own towels!
Elk Hotel
360 West 42nd Street New York, NY 10036
Oh man, is this place a sight for sore eyes: the Elk Hotel is one of the last remaining hold-outs from a pre-Giuliani Midtown. Sleazy and highly affordable, you pay for a room to a front desk manager who stands behind bulletproof glass. You get one bed and a shared bathroom. The whole place hasn’t been renovated in years. Sleep tight – you don’t know what you might find in the night.
Check These Guides
Staten Island Landfill
Staten Island has long gotten the brunt of many New York jokes, and being home to the City Dump doesn’t help. Since 1948, The Fresh Kills Landfill (official title) has been home to all of New York City’s refuse and waste. That’s right: waste. What would prompt anyone to hang out here? I hear the city benefits aren’t half-bad. Just don’t expect to come home smelling like roses… or anything remotely pleasant for that matter.
2nd Avenue F/V Subway Station
City Hall says they’ll get around to renovating the 2nd Avenue stop one of these days… fat chance. The 2nd Avenue stop not only the finds itself at a weird crossroads between the gentrified grit of the East Village, LES, and the Bowery but also takes the prize as one of the filthiest subway stops in all of Manhattan. Here, I’ve watched my favorite jeans get turned into a sweat rag, seen late night party people vomit up their Barcardi and Colas, and had homeless guys drop trow and beg for change. In an eccentric way, I don’t want it to ever change.
Home, sweet… are they having sex on that thing?
CBGB'S
315 Bowery New York, NY 10003
CB’s gets an honorable mention here, plus I write about Mars Bar way too much. Even though the famous punk rock club closed in 2006, it was still the grimiest bar in New York for almost 30 years. The music was one thing, but the disrepair owner Hilly Krystal let the whole establishment fall into was something of great urban folk lore. A broken bar, skeeved-out bathrooms, floors that were never cleaned, a back alley where a equal number of photo shoots, drug deals, and sexual trysts happened – it was all just another night at CBGB’S. Legend had it that you should probably get a tetanus shot if you ever touched the walls.
Subway Inn Inc
143 E 60th Street, New York, NY 10022
It’s the city’s favorite old-man bar! Another Upper East Side throwback, the Subway Inn has it’s fair share of barflies and… what’s that smell?
It’s the city’s favorite old-man bar! Another Upper East Side throwback, the Subway Inn has it’s fair share of barflies and… what’s that smell?
Oh fun, Noveau Yorkers... (groan)
Alright, alright – I know I’m definitely a hypocrite for railing against new transplants (because I was once one), but they are worse than the college kids. They are recent grads, they’ve watched too many episodes of Sex and The City and they are ready to take on Manhattan; one drink at a time. I know that they’re going through a transition period into the real world but here’s my honest opinion: I don’t care about the kegger you’re having in the apartment above me, I hate the fact that everything you play on a jukebox is Dave Matthews or the Spice Girls, and no – I’m not buying you a drink. Now leave me alone!
Angels and Kings
500 E 11th St, New York, NY 10009
Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy is a part owner of this horrendous place. Six dollar PBRs, Pete?!?!? In a can?!?! It’s bad enough that you’ve opened an East Village bar that looks like the premature-birthed lovechild of Dee Dee Ramone and Andy Warhol, but do you really have to charge an arm and a leg for America’s white trash indulgence of choice? I’m getting a watery taste in my mouth…
Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy is a part owner of this horrendous place. Six dollar PBRs, Pete?!?!? In a can?!?! It’s bad enough that you’ve opened an East Village bar that looks like the premature-birthed lovechild of Dee Dee Ramone and Andy Warhol, but do you really have to charge an arm and a leg for America’s white trash indulgence of choice? I’m getting a watery taste in my mouth…
American Girl Place
609 5th Ave Rm 506, New York, NY 10017
My own personal bias that I threw the American Girl store in here, but think about: what better way to spoil your daughter than when an overpriced, creepily life-like doll of another young girl? Shudder
My own personal bias that I threw the American Girl store in here, but think about: what better way to spoil your daughter than when an overpriced, creepily life-like doll of another young girl? Shudder
Notice that you can also get something called “Colon Hydrotherapy”…
Deno's Party House USA
393 8th Avenue New York, NY 10001
Ah, Deno’s; I’ve only had the pleasure of being here once, but what a magical Christmas it was. Ensconced on 9th Avenue, amid a sea of B&T bars near Madison Square Garden, Deno’s is your low-rent ticket to dirt motel sin. The majority of the “beautiful bikini staff” is Eastern European (no, for real) and half of bar is not even properly wallpapered and renovated. Word on the street is: if you show up with a party of fifteen or more, they open the VIP Room for you. What does that entail? A waitress that serves cheap beer pitchers and karaoke. Wow, it’s like watching the star high school quarterback turn into a Scientologist stress technician.
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