Public School Remembered

Oregon Trail

Whenever Mrs. Miller came in wearing sunglasses we knew it was going to be an Oregon Trail day. I personally felt that spending 4 hours controlling a virtual covered wagon was much more informative than filling out coloring sheets, so I happily obliged.

Odell Down Under

This hypnotic game was only assigned on very special days. My entire 2nd grade journal was about the after school computer club I joined in order to play this educational marine game.

Politically Correct Holiday Assemblies

I don’t think I even recognized that there were different races in my class until the teachers forced us to do all of these dumb “Unity Day” activities. And in case you were wondering, yes, it’s true: I did play Louis Armstrong’s mom in the jazz appreciation week assembly. Also, it so happened the only guy who could play trumpet was a redhead kid named Andrew Bean who ended up playing all the songs from behind the risers.

One year I got to play the Native American who had to sing “The earth is our mother, we must take care of her, hey younga ho younga hey young young.” It was only outshadowed by my monologue at the following spring’s Purim celebration.

Triangles

Only the strong were allowed to play in the triangle section during our fifty states ceremony. Sadly, I didn’t make the cut, and was only allowed to sing “My Old Kentucky Home.”

Art Supplies Gathered From Cafeteria Dumpsters

Fun With Parachutes

I loved parachute day in gym class. It required the least amount of physical exertion. Plus, the parachute had the calming odor of mothballs and baked beans.

Fun With Wooden Scooters

Gym class accessories were much more fun back in the day before frivolous lawsuits.

Math-A-Thon

Trapper Keepers: The Great Equalizer

Although Trapper Keepers were not solely indigenous to public schools, I assert that no elementary school round-up would be complete without good mention of this fine Mead product. You could tell a lot about a classmate by regarding his or her Trapper Keeper. The nerds had big puffy padded ones, the spoiled girls had pictures of horses on theirs, etc.

Lame Projection Videos

Despite the countless times that Miss Maiter played us the “Dennis The Menace Takes The Cake” slide show, she never seemed to be able to coordinate the slides with the corresponding cassette. Perhaps the pleasant chiming prompt was of a tone that is inaudible to centurions.

Standardized Government Tests

We had to do these every year to make sure that all of the 5th graders were at least at a 2nd grade reading level.

I’d venture to say that I was somewhat of an Oregon Trail connoisseur in my youth. I had an unmatched finesse when it came to ration control, purchasing imaginary supplies, and using my incredible mouse-eye coordination to shoot computerized elk. My luck was also supreme when it came to stalking the very slow and meaty Sierra bears, and steering rafts around treacherous boulder-laden rivers.

Above all, I never, ever strayed from being the banker. Some of those other kids got risky and tried being farmers and shoemakers, but I shrewdly considered those positions to be gateway jobs leading to nothing but measles and cholera.

Government Subsidized Left-Handed Scissors

These were cool up until 3rd grade when my fingers started to get too big to jam into that little thumb hole. Evidently, the CPS system scored a deal because of the scissor company’s overstock mishap.

I was so mad at Roger Almendarez for getting the “Light The Menora” solo.

Rhythm Sticks

These versatile instruments could not only be struck together to make a penetrating “clacking” sound, but they could also be rubbed against one another for a romantic bossanova aesthetic. Unless you got one of the pairs that was too worn down.

Recorders

Our music director, Mr. McCarthy may have set the cha-cha back 50 years during rehearsals for the school musical, but he sure knew how to play a mean trill on the recorder. Thanks to his guidance, I was able to achieve the ultimate revenge against the resident mean-girl classmate in a recorder solo face-off.

Market Day

If only I had any type of financial prowess in elementary school, I think I would have straight-up donated money to the Market Day charity. There would have been no need for chryogenically frozen chicken cordon bleu in exchange for my philanthropy. Nor for that milky spinach slop served in the styrafoam container.

Fun With Mats

Mat day was all right in my book. Mr. Brumsfield would throw down some mats, and we would roll around for 45 minutes. Much prefered as compared to dodgeball.

Sally Foster Gift Wrap Sale

Awesome Library Books

It was pretty obvious that the books in our school library were all the ones that the private school didn’t want anymore once they refurbished their collection back in the 1940s. I recall books about why kids should drink milk, how God makes your heart beat, and my personal favorite: the dog training book. I’m fairly certain that a trip to my first alma mater’s library would yield the very same dog training book, untouched since 1996, with my name printed 12 times on the sign-out card.

Grocery Bag Book Covers

Lots of paintings of ships at the Terra Museum.